DH insulted DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. H is very impulsive. As he heard me reprimand DC for disrespecting me, H came to yell 3 insults (not the F, but other ones) to DC minutes encore heading to school. On the way to school DC cried and told me he is deeply hurt and that these insults will remain forever in his mind.

So you're a drama queen, and you're encouraging your son to be one also.

My father used to call me and my brother a yo-yo, an idiot, threaten to slam our heads together, put our heads through a wall, etc. It was terrible in the moment. My brother and I will tease him now about it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

First of all, people, of course this is a real post! I can't believe some of you live in a bubble where things like this don't happen. All the feelings and reactions (of OP, DH and DC) are not unusual in the "real world", although might often manifest themselves in slightly more subtle ways.

OP, you've already received some good advice here. You have to open your mind to the fact that your job here isn't to "punish" DH, but rather to help DC make sense of what happened. And to work with DH on your family dynamic. Adults make mistakes ALL THE TIME. Your DH is also allowed to make them. It was absolutely not right for him to use insulting words. But that reaction came from somewhere, and the words were triggered by something (beyond DC's behavior). The more you understand what happened, from DH's perspective, and what he is dealing with, the better you'll be able to deal with your own pain and to forgive him. As for your DC, he needs your help (and if possible, that of DH) to talk through this, process it, ask questions, accept that adults can sometimes also do and say hurtful things, and understand that it wasn't his fault. Putting your focus on anger towards DH is only going to distract you from that task.

Yes DC will remember the insults forever, but you have the key role here in determining how he makes sense of this, and how incidents like this shape him. I would also very much recommend seeing a therapist to help work through your feelings. From your description it seems that this incident was unexpected, but it is very likely part of a pattern of behavior that may very well intensify. So you need to figure out a way deal with this consistently.

[Anonymous]

omg- so much drama. No gift for Father's Day? Really??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. H is very impulsive. As he heard me reprimand DC for disrespecting me, H came to yell 3 insults (not the F, but other ones) to DC minutes encore heading to school. On the way to school DC cried and told me he is deeply hurt and that these insults will remain forever in his mind.

FYI, your child disrespects you because your husband likely does as well. I hope you can see this dynamic at play. It might make you feel better to think that all of this is your husband's fault you are also responsible for what goes on in your family.

[Anonymous]

With an 8 year old child, you are in charge of deciding whether there is a Father's Day gift. And I suggest you arrange one, since it will look better for you in divorce court when you end up there.

I have a very hard time imagining an 8 year old focusing on whether certain insults will "remain forever in his mind." I received insults at 8 that have remained forever in my mind, but I can't recall having predicted they would at the time. That sounds like either your influence on the conversation or you putting words in the child's mouth after the fact.

[Anonymous]

okay, well, your son is 8 and you've gotten a few decent replies with actual advice. You've responded by arguing back. So did you just come to vent or were you actually looking for suggestions to improve the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, people, of course this is a real post! I can't believe some of you live in a bubble where things like this don't happen. All the feelings and reactions (of OP, DH and DC) are not unusual in the "real world", although might often manifest themselves in slightly more subtle ways.

OP, you've already received some good advice here. You have to open your mind to the fact that your job here isn't to "punish" DH, but rather to help DC make sense of what happened. And to work with DH on your family dynamic. Adults make mistakes ALL THE TIME. Your DH is also allowed to make them. It was absolutely not right for him to use insulting words. But that reaction came from somewhere, and the words were triggered by something (beyond DC's behavior). The more you understand what happened, from DH's perspective, and what he is dealing with, the better you'll be able to deal with your own pain and to forgive him. As for your DC, he needs your help (and if possible, that of DH) to talk through this, process it, ask questions, accept that adults can sometimes also do and say hurtful things, and understand that it wasn't his fault. Putting your focus on anger towards DH is only going to distract you from that task.

Yes DC will remember the insults forever, but you have the key role here in determining how he makes sense of this, and how incidents like this shape him. I would also very much recommend seeing a therapist to help work through your feelings. From your description it seems that this incident was unexpected, but it is very likely part of a pattern of behavior that may very well intensify. So you need to figure out a way deal with this consistently.

People aren't surprised that DH swore at his kid. People are surprised at the way that OP is describing and responding to said offense.

First of all, it's totally not clear what even happened. But let's say DH said: "Stop being a little asshole" or something.

Is that ok? No, it's not. But saying he gets no Father's Day present is sort of a bizarre response to that.

I think that's why people feel like this is is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Dh ds DC dddddddd


Why is it do so difficult to just use real words on this board?

[Anonymous]

You were disciplining your child for disrespect and your husband overreacted and chimed in with some strong and unnecessary words.

How about saying "I've got this, dear. You don't need to step in, I'm handling and it's between me and Larlo."

Afterward you can say "I think you were a little hard on Larlo, don't you?"

As for Larlo crying in the car, I would say something like "I know you are feeling very down on yourself right now. I want you to remember that Daddy loves you very much." And remind him of some good times and good things his father has said about him.

[Anonymous]

If I had a penny for every time my children said that they would remember something forever, which they forgot after five minutes, I'd be able to at least buy a candy bar.

Don't make a big deal about it if you don't want your child to remember it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I had a penny for every time my children said that they would remember something forever, which they forgot after five minutes, I'd be able to at least buy a candy bar.

Don't make a big deal about it if you don't want your child to remember it.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Were they insults or curse words (neither of which are acceptable, but I feel there are degrees)? By your original post, I thought your husband said something like he wishes your son had never been born or he was a mistake, something along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC and I are deeply hurt emotionally after this. I’m so shocked that I can’t even write more sentences to describe all the feelings and the impact on our relationship from now on. Any ideas on consequences to H?
Of course he won’t receive any single Father’s Day gift. There’s no doubt about it.

Are you drunk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. H is very impulsive. As he heard me reprimand DC for disrespecting me, H came to yell 3 insults (not the F, but other ones) to DC minutes encore heading to school. On the way to school DC cried and told me he is deeply hurt and that these insults will remain forever in his mind.

This isn't real.

He is going to have a very difficult life.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds practically incoherent.