How do you handle spouse who is always on phone by toddler?

[Anonymous]

OP never answered whether her husband is in therapy,. He needs to be, because that barista story is not normal.

At some point, you need to figure out what your husband wants from parenthood, assuming he wanted to be a dad. Kids learn what they see; if your son sees him tuning out to do something else, is that how your husband wants to be treated when your son gets older?

If your DH needs to look something up for whatever reason, that's fine, but in that case, he should be going in another room and coming back ready to be present to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it in a calm time. Also admit it if you are also sometimes surfing while with your toddler. That helps get my point across better when I say we BOTH need to do better. Then when I see my DH getting sucked in instead of engaging with the kids I'll just very gently say "can you please put your phone away?" and keep doing whatever I'm doing. If he protests I always just say "uh huh" and drop it. I've made my point. It took a bit but he's gotten much much better. Things like bringing his phone into the bathroom while the kids are bathing or texting while in the middle of reading bed time stories have all gone away. We are both leaving our phones on the kitchen table for much of the evening when we are with our kids.

But preaching almost never works. Just straight up ask him to do better. Say you will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP never answered whether her husband is in therapy,. He needs to be, because that barista story is not normal.

At some point, you need to figure out what your husband wants from parenthood, assuming he wanted to be a dad. Kids learn what they see; if your son sees him tuning out to do something else, is that how your husband wants to be treated when your son gets older?

If your DH needs to look something up for whatever reason, that's fine, but in that case, he should be going in another room and coming back ready to be present to your kid.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him to put the phone away?

Not recently. He is particularly sensitive to “criticism.”

Ok, so what that tells me is you spend a lot of time volunteering your opinions on how he should interact with your child. Remember that intensive mothering is stupid to begin with and understand that fathers, in general, are not as inclined to engage in that behavior. So, you need to step back and let him do his thing without you weighing in, making "suggestions" or otherwise trying to control how they interact. That's a dangerous trap and it will eventually kill your marriage. Let him parent his way.

I don’t mean actual criticism. I mean any feedback that is not self generated or self confirmed. Like a barista asking if he wants his drink cold or hot and it’s supposed to be a hot drink so DH feels mocked and flies into a rage. He’s mellowed in the past couple years but that’s one example.

Umm it sounds like your toddler might be better off and safer by being ignored by him? Toddlers are much more trying than a barista. Look not every person is great at being around young kids. Hopefully he contributes in other ways to your family and to you or maybe you need to find someone else. Definitely don’t push him into losing it with your kid because ‘quality time’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes sit in the playroom and just read a book while the kids play around me. Does that make me terrible?

No, ignoring them when they want to talk or play with you does. Do you do that too?

[Anonymous]

https://www.mother.ly/parenting/12-tips-to-help-you-put-your-phone-away-in-front-of-your-kid

We do #7, keeping phones in a basket by the door with keys, etc. in the evenings before kids’ bedtime. Ringer is on, though, so it’s kind of like having a landline. (All other notifications off.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes sit in the playroom and just read a book while the kids play around me. Does that make me terrible?

Depends. Does it cause you to ignore your child and require your spouse to do all the parenting while you get absorbed in your reading? Because that's what OP posted about, so let's stay on topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes sit in the playroom and just read a book while the kids play around me. Does that make me terrible?

Depends. Does it cause you to ignore your child and require your spouse to do all the parenting while you get absorbed in your reading? Because that's what OP posted about, so let's stay on topic.

Nope, the question was perfectly valid. You aren't needed to moderate the thread.

[Anonymous]

Ugh my DH does it too. We have a 3yo and 6mo. He was literally the last person I know to get a smart phone, and he can’t check email or do anything on internet at work, even on a lunch break, so it seems like in the evenings/weekends he is in it all the time. At one point we had a convo about how we should lay off the phones until the kids are in bed unless absolutely necessary, but I’m the only one keeping to this. It drives me crazy. I don’t want to be the “nag”- my mom was/is a nag. But I really dont think it’s that much to ask. I just have t had the energy to bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, I don’t remember writing this.

[Anonymous]

Also in all seriousness, I have started to request no phones at the dinner table & bedtime, when partner is always on it. As for the sensitive to criticism but - also an issue in my house - I recommend the book Impossible to Please. I’m trying to get my partner into therapy for the personality disorder OCPD (subject of the book). Phone/internet addiction is the new(ish) socially acceptable way to run away from your problems.

[Anonymous]

I am in the camp that it is okay for adults to not have to give 24/7 attention to a child.

It is good for kids to play on the floor, and good for kids to play alone and good for kids to see that mom hand dad also have interests and priorities other than them. It is also okay for kids to get bored.

Going shopping or to the pool is absolutely just as beneficial to a bond as sitting on the floor playing together.

I don't know if your expectations are really just a misalignment of parenting philosophies. I would be furious if every time I sat in a chair, my husband came and told me to get off my phone (or put down my book or handover the remote)and get on the floor with my child. I actually find the idea that one parents should control the interactions and action as of the other parents to be concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the camp that it is okay for adults to not have to give 24/7 attention to a child.

It is good for kids to play on the floor, and good for kids to play alone and good for kids to see that mom hand dad also have interests and priorities other than them. It is also okay for kids to get bored.

Going shopping or to the pool is absolutely just as beneficial to a bond as sitting on the floor playing together.

I don't know if your expectations are really just a misalignment of parenting philosophies. I would be furious if every time I sat in a chair, my husband came and told me to get off my phone (or put down my book or handover the remote)and get on the floor with my child. I actually find the idea that one parents should control the interactions and action as of the other parents to be concerning.

I agree with this but it seems the issue at hand is different. If/when you are with your kid, BE with your kid. This is like having dinner with a friend and constantly being on your phone. No one is saying you need to be with your friend 24/7, but when you ARE with them they deserve your full attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him to put the phone away?

Not recently. He is particularly sensitive to “criticism.”

Untreated adult adhd. All of it. Exacerbated by his smart phone and having one or two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him to put the phone away?

Not recently. He is particularly sensitive to “criticism.”

Ok, so what that tells me is you spend a lot of time volunteering your opinions on how he should interact with your child. Remember that intensive mothering is stupid to begin with and understand that fathers, in general, are not as inclined to engage in that behavior. So, you need to step back and let him do his thing without you weighing in, making "suggestions" or otherwise trying to control how they interact. That's a dangerous trap and it will eventually kill your marriage. Let him parent his way.

“Parent” his way?? He’s not parenting! That’s the whole problem!

Ie do not be responsive, teach kid that staring at phone and ignoring others talking to you is a-ok.

Yeah right.