Do something or stay out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't think you should do anything. She's legally allowed to smoke.

She doesn't keep her kids in her yard. I don't always do that either. If you don't want them in your yard and your car, get a fence or let them know you're not okay with them being in your yard. The 18 month old can understand that.

Yelling is not illegal either. Different parents have different loudness meters.

Maybe she doesn't care if the neighbors hear her yell because where she comes from that means good parenting.

You're going to have to learn to live with this or move.

Are you a parent? I'm not clear from this post. If you're not, your ability to reasonably evaluate her responses is probably not great.

You probably want to get a fence. Good fences make good neighbors as they say.

Err no it isn't illegal and I don't think that was the point. A grown adult going under someone else's window to yell is poor manners, at best, and probably something OP would like to stop.

I am the PP you were replying to.
While the OP wasn't saying it was illegal, many of the posts before mine were saying to call child protective services. They were the ones I was referring to.

Is yelling under someone's windows bad manners? If her kid is in their yard and they want the kid out, then I might think they'd be grateful that the Mom is making that happen by hook or by crook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are quite young kids. It's possible the mom is really stressed and having a hard time coping (hence not chasing after them and feeling she really needs to sit there and smoke for a break).

I think the most constructive thing would be to try to engage with her and with the kids in a friendly way. Be clear with the kids on what they are not allowed to do, but then ask the mom if you can engage with them in a productive way - "Hi there! Seems like the kids have a lot of energy. Would it be okay if I got out some sidewalk chalk and we drew some pictures on my driveway?" or "I have a fun toy a friend left here. Would it be okay if I brought it out to show them? They're welcome to play with it in my front yard."

As other PPs have said, offer to help the mom. Ask if you can pick up some diapers or anything else small she needs if you're on your way out to the grocery store anyway, etc. Two kids this young and pregnant with another is exhausting.

The only way you're going to have a hope of improving the situation is if you get to know them and provide some support for the kids and mom.

+1. We had neighbors like this and they were nearly hit by cars on our street every day. Befriending them helped a lot and gave them better role mentors and models. The mom had it very rough.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the be firm about making it clear your yard is not a play space camp. You're not home during the week, but these kids are definitely on your property. And one day one of them definitely is going to get hurt. I'd make it very clear they are not to be on your property ever, no exceptions. She'll most likely actually listen to you...she'll probably talk badly about you to them/her husband, but what do you care? And also that doesn't mean the kids won't be running around on another neighbor's yard instead, but that's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Those insisting OP needs to take out her time to help this woman seem to ignore the fact that she isn't particularly friendly. There's a high likelihood that ANY offer of ANY assistance is going to be interpreted as a hostile act by this woman. I'm guessing if her parenting style is "yell at the kids while sitting down in front of God and everybody" she'll start tolerating her kids getting overly rough as they get older - would any of the "help her a lot" crowd put up with that crap happening to their own kids?

I'm guessing the dad makes enough $$$ that they won't get a lot of the help that's out there. (This is America, where folks making $24,999 get loads of help and folks making $25,001 are on their own.)

Dad probably escapes through work either b/c overtime is nice or b/c he wants to escape. Does the mom work?

I'd be worried about the kids getting into trouble on your property when you're not at home. Maybe call your insurance company and see what sort of thing (e.g. a letter, a fence, etc.) would put you in a better position when it comes to risk protection.

Social services won't do much unless it looks like Hoarders in the house or there's worse abuse going on behind closed doors.

If OP can find out a bit more of what's going on behind closed doors or help this woman, she's certainly gaining some treasure in heaven, but I'm not sure why OP is a Bad Person for not bending over backwards to help out this family (I'll say if OP does NOTHING to help out anyone outside her walls that might warrant a bit of concern but that is beyond the scope of this question.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those insisting OP needs to take out her time to help this woman seem to ignore the fact that she isn't particularly friendly. There's a high likelihood that ANY offer of ANY assistance is going to be interpreted as a hostile act by this woman. I'm guessing if her parenting style is "yell at the kids while sitting down in front of God and everybody" she'll start tolerating her kids getting overly rough as they get older - would any of the "help her a lot" crowd put up with that crap happening to their own kids?

I'm guessing the dad makes enough $$$ that they won't get a lot of the help that's out there. (This is America, where folks making $24,999 get loads of help and folks making $25,001 are on their own.)

Dad probably escapes through work either b/c overtime is nice or b/c he wants to escape. Does the mom work?

I'd be worried about the kids getting into trouble on your property when you're not at home. Maybe call your insurance company and see what sort of thing (e.g. a letter, a fence, etc.) would put you in a better position when it comes to risk protection.

Social services won't do much unless it looks like Hoarders in the house or there's worse abuse going on behind closed doors.

If OP can find out a bit more of what's going on behind closed doors or help this woman, she's certainly gaining some treasure in heaven, but I'm not sure why OP is a Bad Person for not bending over backwards to help out this family (I'll say if OP does NOTHING to help out anyone outside her walls that might warrant a bit of concern but that is beyond the scope of this question.)

This.
It's like the show, the Middle and they are the Glossners. Be civil (or friendly) and look into the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the be firm about making it clear your yard is not a play space camp. You're not home during the week, but these kids are definitely on your property. And one day one of them definitely is going to get hurt. I'd make it very clear they are not to be on your property ever, no exceptions. She'll most likely actually listen to you...she'll probably talk badly about you to them/her husband, but what do you care? And also that doesn't mean the kids won't be running around on another neighbor's yard instead, but that's not your problem.

I'm in this camp - after the car thing I think I would have gone over and said something to the extent of, hey, I know kids can rush off on occasion, but I consider it dangerous for your kids to be playing in my car. I am asking you to keep your kids off of my property. I am afraid they will get injured. Thanks for your understanding.

I've got too much on my own plate to be nanny and playmate to someone else's little kids. Call me a bad person, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Every spring the media tells us not to leave children in cars. Based on that, I would call the police. I would tell them that you have neighborhood toddlers (stress that point) crawling into your car. Tell the police that their mother seems unable to prevent this behavior. The police are beginning to care about issues that they used to not care about. General welfare, especially involving children is one of these things. The police may not be able to stop the behavior, but they do need to be aware of it. I would call the local police station and explain what's going on. Then, I would email the police chief with a copy to yourself. I would state the problem, and explain that you are documenting it so that when a tragedy happens, you have physical proof with time stamps to demonstrate you tried.
As for getting directly involved, mere mortals don't have the authority or the ability to deal with crazy. Also, once a relationship has been established, it is much harder to get the authorities to take you seriously. It looks like a grudge call v. a legit notification of a real problem. This neighbor isn't a peer in the sense that she has made no attempt to follow the norms of basic human contact. You shouldn't have to load and unload your car in the garage with the garage door down like you are sneaking into a compound under enemy fire. Not only as this a ridiculous suggestion, it also isn't always physically possible. I needed to park in our driveway in order to unload a freezer I bought at Costco. I needed room to raise the trunk of our minivan and then back up so that I could lift the freezer out of the vehicle. The garage door being down would have made it impossible for me to back up enough to get the freezer out of the back. I needed to get it out because I needed the space to bring my preschooler home, waiting for a husband to get home isn't always an option, you know. Definitely call the police, op, then say a prayer if you are inclined. That's about all you can and should do.

[Anonymous]

I lived next to trashy people like this before. They were renters. On top of letting their kids run wild, filling the cul de sac with smoke fumes, and screaming at each other, they threw knives and let their pit bulls run loose. Our neighborhood association tried to get them booted (they were renters), but the landlord wanted us to pay him a large sum of money for “relishing fees” to get them out. We moved three years ago and the family still lives there, bringing down all the property values.

We did try to speak to tenants directly about the issues. We were screamed at. We spoke to the children and asked them not to use our flowerbed as home base, and the aunt came over and screamed at us for speaking to the children. They threatened my neighbor after she called animal control. Trashy people don’t respond to normal means of getting them to change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Nice to see so many voices of reason coming in now.