What is the purpose of saying this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

The comment is often meant as the person has a hard enough time parenting a NT child that they admire you for being able to parent a SN child as in addition to everything the rest of us have to deal with, you have to be better at juggling in order to also take care of the special requirements for parenting a SN child.

I'm sorry that people don't communicate more sensitively to you, but please try to attribute good intentions to them rather than bad intentions. Most of the people who might think the more negative interpretation also have enough filters not to say that out loud.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a parent to twins, we also get this comment a lot.

I try to give them the benefit of doubt and assume they mean it as a compliment and will say something along the lines of "Thanks. When it's your normal, you learn to adapt."

[Anonymous]

I am a mom of 4 and get it a lot too.

I don't think it's particularly a complement, but whatever.

In most cases, people really don't have any idea of whether I am in fact handling things well or not on average, so I'm not sure about posters saying that's the intent behind it. I take it as a socially acceptable way of saying...damn, lady, you have a lot of kids!!

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of three and get this from co-workers. I’ve never been insulted by it. They’re just acknowledging that you are handling something difficult. Before I had kids, I had no idea how moms handled “it all” either.

They’re trying to relate and be kind.

[Anonymous]

I often admire parents whose circumstances do look more challenging than my own—single parents, parents of twins, etc.

I hear your point and will be more mindful of how I express my admiration in the future.

[Anonymous]

Better than getting the opposite nonstop. I had this interaction today. Me: It's just a busy time of our lives with 3 kids and my DH is gone. Her: So? I had to go through that too. I remember those days and it was worse for women then.

I feel like I can't win no matter what someone says. I'm not even a complainer. She had specifically asked what I did over the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and when DH travels, it is so hard! I sometimes do say, “I don’t know how single parents do this.” I don’t say directly to a person though.

My 2yo is a handful and bad sleeper. My older two kids are constantly fighting. I try to limit screen time unless I’m just so beat that I need a break so everyone watches tv, including me.

When DH is around, he will take kids while I clean up or vice versa. He can pick up kids from school if he gets home early. Help oldest with homework while I put toddler to bed. It is absolute chaos with one man down.

[Anonymous]

Single mom here- I dislike comments like this too. I wouldn’t go as far to say they hurt my feelings but I find them off putting. I am not a single parent by choice (husband left me when #2 was a toddler) and there are many days where I feel like I don’t know how I am going to do it either. It’s not the same as saying it to someone who runs marathons because that it an activity that they enjoy and are doing voluntarily. I would never choose this lifestyle- it’s flipping hard.

My biggest pet peeve is when friends will say “I’m a single parent this week!” When their spouses are away. You still have the financial, emotional and practical support of your parntner. You have an end date when you know your souse will be back. I don’t get mad at my friends but it bug me.,

OP- single parenting is hard and you sound like you have a great attitude. Your kids are lucky to have you!

[Anonymous]

I’m glad they’re checking themselves a little bit rather than venting non stop without acknowledging that you do that all the timr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

This.

I also find it interesting when people receive feedback that "I don't know how you do it" lands a certain way, the immediate response of most people is to tell you to get over it and it's a compliment. Maybe try considering how the statement lands to someone who is actually hearing it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

The comment is often meant as the person has a hard enough time parenting a NT child that they admire you for being able to parent a SN child as in addition to everything the rest of us have to deal with, you have to be better at juggling in order to also take care of the special requirements for parenting a SN child.

I'm sorry that people don't communicate more sensitively to you, but please try to attribute good intentions to them rather than bad intentions. Most of the people who might think the more negative interpretation also have enough filters not to say that out loud.

intent vs. impact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are trying to relate. They wanted to complain about doing it alone, remembered you do this on a day to day, felt bad, tried to be respectful. Don't overthink this. Signed single mom.

This is it. When my husband travels I find myself thinking often of my single mom friends and being even more impressed by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

The comment is often meant as the person has a hard enough time parenting a NT child that they admire you for being able to parent a SN child as in addition to everything the rest of us have to deal with, you have to be better at juggling in order to also take care of the special requirements for parenting a SN child.

I'm sorry that people don't communicate more sensitively to you, but please try to attribute good intentions to them rather than bad intentions. Most of the people who might think the more negative interpretation also have enough filters not to say that out loud.

intent vs. impact

I get what you are saying but I'm also kind of up to here with having to mind-read what every single person I come into contact with will feel the impact of my every statement is. You can see it all over DCUM threads these days, and, on top of that, for every single thing someone brings up on here, chances are there are diametrically opposed viewpoints. So matter which way I go, someone could be offended. Things are so over the top with everyone looking for a way to get in on the "let's complain on social media about what offends me" that I just don't say much of anything beyond the weather to someone unless I know them really well. To a large extent, people need to get over themselves. We are all trapped inside our own heads and don't always know what other people are dealing with at the moment any more than they know what we are dealing with unless we are absolutely explicit about it. If you know someone's intention is well-meaning, just suck it up and be annoyed in your own head.

[Anonymous]

OP, people talk about their day. That's it. It's not a "huge" thing about you. They complained about their own day, and then added another comment thinking it might make them sound less self absorbed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's supposed to be a compliment - that you manage to juggle everything you do - and they're acknowledging that.

I can see how it might feel a little hurtful to you though, but it's not meant to be.

This.

Why on earth would it bother you? They're acknowledging they can't hack it on their own, and they admire how you seemingly can.