if you stayed in a bad marriage for your kids, do you think you did the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the marriage you are modeling and the values that keep you there what you would want your kids to internalize?

That's the question I wish my mom had asked herself during my childhood...

If she kept you safe and provided you with the basics of life and love, I would't be too hard on her. Sometimes, there are no perfect options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together "for the children" while we were in middle and high school. Now that I'm older (50s) and more distance on it, I can see that it was a choice made with our best interests at heart. They didn't want us to have to change schools or do joint custody. They didn't want the hassle of it all. And they didn't want to sell the house in the 80s recession.

Did it kind of suck to see them in a loveless marriage? Sure. But divorce sucks too, in a different way. They were adults and made that choice in the best interest of the family as a whole. They weren't living a lie, they didn't teach us anything bad about marriage. They taught us to be grown-ups and make a mature, considered decision. To get through tough times in a responsible way. After we all left home, they divorced, and I was fine with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in a marriage that was bad for a while and eventually it got better. Things are hard when the kids are little.

Divorce is a lifelong pain in the ass for everyone, and I was not willing to undertake it without trying everything. We were able to get to a place of more contentment and while it is not perfect, it is better than divorce for me.

This is how I look at it. We can all talk about how everybody is happier and moved on to new relationships and the kids love everybody, but the reality is things are never the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in a marriage that was bad for a while and eventually it got better. Things are hard when the kids are little.

Divorce is a lifelong pain in the ass for everyone, and I was not willing to undertake it without trying everything. We were able to get to a place of more contentment and while it is not perfect, it is better than divorce for me.

This is how I look at it. We can all talk about how everybody is happier and moved on to new relationships and the kids love everybody, but the reality is things are never the same.

This. It's all a bunch of hot air. It's a giant pain in the ass and it will be for everyone, and the kids don't love everybody. Look, I don't regret my divorce. But it isn't easy. You can remarry and be happier (or happy-ish, like me) but it doesn't make the hassles go away. It doesn't mean you get as much grandchild time as you would have. You might recover financially by remarrying, or maybe not-- I didn't. My kids seem okay with my new husband, but it's not the same and it's not as good as their parents being happily married. I had that myself and I wanted it for my children. I see the value. I don't regret my divorce but I don't pretend for an instant that it's as good as a happy family.

[Anonymous]

yes, do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, do it.

Sorry, I meant to respond to the year in India thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine grew up in a home like that. Parents who clearly hated one another but stayed together until the youngest child (of five) turned 18. All the kids (currently between mid twenties and early 40s in age) are independent adults with solid careers but all are unable to maintain long term relationships. Not a single one is married (and several want to be). Not so sure the parents did them a service by modeling that kind of family life.

The thing is, you don't get a second chance at "modeling". It's not like if you divorce but then get a second husband you love the kids will have a good family life "modeled" for them (unless perhaps they are too young to remember the divorce). What they will have "modeled" for them is that maybe if you switch around you will get lucky after leaving some wreckage in your wake. There are no "modeling" benefits for second marriages, happy or not, after the kids have gone through a divorce.

Huh? Are you really saying that no parents that have remarried demonstrate happy, loving relationships to their children? To the contrary, if the bio parents were dysfunctional, then the second marriage, if loving, demonstrates what a healthy relationship can be. If the parents don’t remarry, aren’t the kids left with the only image of parential relationships being that of their parents failed marriage?

A "happy, loving relationship" isn't an abstract thing or pattern that you can demonstrate with just anyone. Kids may actually find it confusing or even painful to see you in a "happy loving relationship" with a stranger who is not their parent. They may be frightened by seeing the passion you have for this new person that they may not trust, fearing that your primary loyalty is not to them any more (even if it is). It's complicated. Kids are not machines who look and see "OK imitate Mom and her new boyfriend Joe and this will bring me happiness". Their feelings for new boyfriend Joe (or new girlfriend Jill), and toward your separation from their other parent, are likely to be complicated in a way that prevents a simple model/imitation.

I'm not saying good things can't happen in a second marriage. But if you are splitting up with kids past the infant / toddler stage it's a lot more complicated than "oh that was wrong before and now this is right". YOU may feel that way but your kids are unlikely to. Especially if your marriage wasn't actually violent or flagrantly abusive.