Reply to if you stayed in a bad marriage for your kids, do you think you did the right thing?

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Reply to "if you stayed in a bad marriage for your kids, do you think you did the right thing?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A friend of mine grew up in a home like that. Parents who clearly hated one another but stayed together until the youngest child (of five) turned 18. All the kids (currently between mid twenties and early 40s in age) are independent adults with solid careers but all are unable to maintain long term relationships. Not a single one is married (and several want to be). Not so sure the parents did them a service by modeling that kind of family life. [/quote]

The thing is, you don't get a second chance at "modeling". It's not like if you divorce but then get a second husband you love the kids will have a good family life "modeled" for them (unless perhaps they are too young to remember the divorce). What they will have "modeled" for them is that maybe if you switch around you will get lucky after leaving some wreckage in your wake. There are no "modeling" benefits for second marriages, happy or not, after the kids have gone through a divorce.[/quote]

Huh?  Are you really saying that no parents that have remarried demonstrate happy, loving relationships to their children?  To the contrary, if the bio parents were dysfunctional, then the second marriage, if loving, demonstrates what a healthy relationship can be. If the parents don’t remarry, aren’t the kids left with the only image of parential relationships being that of their parents failed marriage?[/quote]

A "happy, loving relationship" isn't an abstract thing or pattern that you can demonstrate with just anyone. Kids may actually find it confusing or even painful to see you in a "happy loving relationship" with a stranger who is not their parent. They may be frightened by seeing the passion you have for this new person that they may not trust, fearing that your primary loyalty is not to them any more (even if it is). It's complicated. Kids are not machines who look and see "OK imitate Mom and her new boyfriend Joe and this will bring me happiness". Their feelings for new boyfriend Joe (or new girlfriend Jill), and toward your separation from their other parent, are likely to be complicated in a way that prevents a simple model/imitation.

I'm not saying good things can't happen in a second marriage. But if you are splitting up with kids past the infant / toddler stage it's a lot more complicated than "oh that was wrong before and now this is right". YOU may feel that way but your kids are unlikely to. Especially if your marriage wasn't actually violent or flagrantly abusive.[/quote]

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