My ex instructs our daughter to lie to me and hide things that have happened

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:10 At the very least OP should get a letter out, to document this. The only possible solution is getting him to see how bad this is. OF COURSE the idea would not to be pumping the child. But children talk. If it becomes clear one parent is lying, the other parent calls the parent coordinator and they schedule a meeting. Every lie is putting the child in the middle. What do you suggest, doing nothing?

Yes, I suggest defusing the situation by not probing for information that involves Daddy at all. IF mom believes the father is not endangering the child. If it's simply who picked you up, where did you go, who did you see.... STOP asking. Mom can still ask how school was, how her teacher was, what did she eat for lunch in the school caf, how is her best friend in class.... but you don't go there with the dad thing. Once the child starts to relax and feel comfortable communicating again - without having to worry all the time about saying the wrong thing, spilling the beans, getting one or the other or both parents mad, then you are right - she will start to share things, unprompted, unthinking. But right now the little girl is paralyzed by fear.

I have said it before: Every single parent should read the Sandcastles approach to divorce book. http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274738261&sr=8-1

[Anonymous]

Did you read what I wrote? I was speaking generally and said if a child volunteers information that suggests that the other parent is lying. I also think a situation where one parent doesn't ask a single thing about what goes on at the other parent's is untenable. Really this is a bad situation and if Mom confronts Dad through a third party, it might stop. I've been here and it worked for me. I think Mom needs to advocate for her child by standing up to the lying parent. Not doing anything is allowing very damaging behavior to continue.

Yes, I have read the Sandcastles book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:10 At the very least OP should get a letter out, to document this. The only possible solution is getting him to see how bad this is. OF COURSE the idea would not to be pumping the child. But children talk. If it becomes clear one parent is lying, the other parent calls the parent coordinator and they schedule a meeting. Every lie is putting the child in the middle. What do you suggest, doing nothing?

Yes, I suggest defusing the situation by not probing for information that involves Daddy at all. IF mom believes the father is not endangering the child. If it's simply who picked you up, where did you go, who did you see.... STOP asking. Mom can still ask how school was, how her teacher was, what did she eat for lunch in the school caf, how is her best friend in class.... but you don't go there with the dad thing. Once the child starts to relax and feel comfortable communicating again - without having to worry all the time about saying the wrong thing, spilling the beans, getting one or the other or both parents mad, then you are right - she will start to share things, unprompted, unthinking. But right now the little girl is paralyzed by fear.

I have said it before: Every single parent should read the Sandcastles approach to divorce book. http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274738261&sr=8-1

13:27 here- AGREE 100%. We've used this exact approach, and you know what? It works. It works long-term. You will not win trying to police your ex's lies. THEY WILL ALWAYS DO THIS. Just be an open communicator with your child, focus on listening, and your child will open up.

All this other crap is a short-term diversion - its not even a solution- you push the lies further along. It will only make it worse.

Be the bigger person. As long as the child is not in danger, just do whatever you can to not focus on it. It does work - but long-term. Sometimes it can feel like you're losing when you're winning. This is one of those times.

[Anonymous]

13:27 False, the idea that they will always lie. They will always lie if you let them. I got our lawyer-mediator to persuade my ex to work with a family therapist. Big improvement. A child does not have to be in danger to be damaged.

[Anonymous]

00:52 gain. I realize you cannot change everything. My ex is off the charts difficult. I fight it, and minimize whatever I can. Working with a third party can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:27 False, the idea that they will always lie. They will always lie if you let them. I got our lawyer-mediator to persuade my ex to work with a family therapist. Big improvement. A child does not have to be in danger to be damaged.

I agree that a family therapist is a good idea, we work with one. Glad your experience worked, but ex in our situation DOES NOT EVER STOP LYING. Its pathological or batshit crazy- whatever, but there is nothing we can do to stop it.

[Anonymous]

I admire you for working around it. Damn this behavior makes me so mad.

[Anonymous]

That's the thing- at some point you have to not let it make you mad and just expect its their MO- they will always do this...

We've found it more freeing to just plan on it... esp since its not life threatening.

[Anonymous]

Well lies are damaging! I am not following your life threatening standard. But it's your situation, and you've got to do what you've got to do. Or not do.