How your father treats you determines your future relationships with men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bit of a tangent here, but did any of you have dads who were just "ok?" This thread seems to feature dads who were great and dads who were pretty bad, but not much in the middle.

I'd say my Dad was OK. He was an alcoholic and and fairly self-absorbed in many ways, but he tried to do his best by us. He was a workaholic. He came from a family with a lot of mental illness, and may have had some undiagnosed issues himself. He and I weren't particularly close, and that made him kind of sad as I became an adult. My DH is nothing like him, but similar to my mom in many ways. He's very loving, perceptive and fun, and would do anything for us. He's ambitious and successful, but never defines himself by his work as my dad did. None of my boyfriends were similar to me dad, or to each other really.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a really nice guy who loved and respected my mom and always said (and acted like) his family was the most important thing in his life. He wasn't super-demonstrative, but he was there if you needed him. He wasn't perfect, but he made time for us. He was home for dinner almost every night. He turned down promotions that would have meant a lot of travel and time away from his family.

I didn't marry a guy like my dad (although I always dated guys who were nice and was never attracted to "bad boys") but I think it really mattered that from a young age, I knew that my father loved me, that he thought I was beautiful and smart and deserving of love. I wasn't trying to fill a hole with my romantic relationships. I didn't chase after emotionally unavailable men. And I had a model for how men should treat women--I expected to be treated with respect and affection in relationships, and if I wasn't, I left. My dating life was as messy as anyone's, but it wasn't unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

My maternal grandfather was an abusive toxic narcissist.

My mom married an abusive toxic narcissist and divorced him.

My sister married an abusive toxic narcissist and divorced him.

Happily, my DH is not an abusive toxic narcissist. The only thing he has in common with my dad is that they have the same alma mater.

One thing I would note is that my mother and sister are also highly narcissistic. Did this make them more attracted to narcissists like their fathers? Who knows.

[Anonymous]

I married a man like my dad; responsible, reliable, a bit emotionally clueless (my husband is a lot better than my dad).

My husband treats me great. I avoided however picking anyone with qualities that reminded me of my mother, who really didn't like being a parent, resented all of us and was unmedicated bipolar for my entire childhood. I run away from unstable people.

[Anonymous]

I married someone a lot like my dad. He is a wonderful father and takes care of us, but a little severe and unemotional. It's no big deal, they are both great people and I'm happy. But I can't handle emotion in men, and it's probably because my dad had no emotions!

[Anonymous]

I’ve found no matter what kind of father women had they go for bad boys until they lose their looks and can no longer get them .

[Anonymous]

My biological father was a drug user who left my mother and me when I was 8 years old. My mom remarried a close family friend a short time later (who was also going through a horrible divorce from his wife who cheated on him) who is my "dad". He is a manly man - quiet, built our house himself, handy, etc etc. I have no deep-rooted psychological issues from my bio dad, have the utmost respect for my "dad" and married someone completely different than him. My DH is a corporate guy, outgoing, not nearly as handy as my dad, very affectionate. Maybe I'm lucky that I don't have any weird issues from my childhood, because it was a crappy one!

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily! My father is in a federal prison for 2 life sentences, convicted of murder. He is a psychopath. Groeing up with him was awful and my mother was sickeningly weak and stayed with him. My DH could not be more opposite. I'm even physically repulsed by men that look like my father. My DH is the opposite race of my father, opposite build, opposite family background, and dead opposite in how he treats me, our kids, and random strangers.i met him very young and he has been my rock since the moment we met. It is why I love him so much. He gives me the family life I never had.

[Anonymous]

Nope, it's the way your dad treat your mom that impacts your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not necessarily! My father is in a federal prison for 2 life sentences, convicted of murder. He is a psychopath. Groeing up with him was awful and my mother was sickeningly weak and stayed with him. My DH could not be more opposite. I'm even physically repulsed by men that look like my father. My DH is the opposite race of my father, opposite build, opposite family background, and dead opposite in how he treats me, our kids, and random strangers.i met him very young and he has been my rock since the moment we met. It is why I love him so much. He gives me the family life I never had.

this is super sweet. What a love story, write a book about it!

OK, it's not sweet that your father was a psychopath, but it's really cute how you talk about your DH. Good for you (and him)!

[Anonymous]

Eh, not exactly. I wasn’t close with my dad. He worked a lot and wasn’t emotional or affectionate. He was the disciplinarian, and he was scary. But I always knew I was loved.

I think my father and brothers served to develop the idea in my head of what was masculine and what I should look for in a mate. In my spouse, however, I specifically sought someone who would be a different kind of father. So my husband ended up being non emotional, work obsessed, sports obsessed, tech obsessed, etc. But he isn’t scary or angry like My dad And is wonderful with our kids. He works plenty of hours but devotes his free time to them .

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this post. My dad is (probably) unique in that he lets my mom "get away" with a lot. She can just be kind of demanding, know it all, get her own way about a lot of everyday things. And she can come off very condescending. I think early on in my previous relationship (before we were married), I thought that was normal. But it's not, and then I think I kind of went too far the other way - I think I became the one who let my ex get his own way on everything, who didn't stand up for myself enough. I stopped seeking him out for love, affection, attention, etc. because I was just afraid of being too demanding. And then it blew up in my face when he told me I just seemed like I don't care. I need to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How he treats your Mom can be an even bigger indicator of the men you are attracted to.

My Dad adores me, but was distant. And gone a lot (Navy) or working long hours. And even when he was around he was drinking (functional alcoholic).

My parents fought a lot. My Mom has her own wackiness. And they just aren’t compatible.

So who am I attracted to? Men who are emotionally distant or physically distant or who I fight with.

Took me lots of self reflection and therapy to finally find my husband at 38.

This terrifies me as a mom whose husband doesn’t show “love” towards me the way I would hope my dd would find it. I’m currently stuck in trying to figure out if it’s worse to divorce or worse to stay.

There’s no abuse, it’s not completely toxic, but I can probably count on one hand the amount of times DD has heard him call me beautiful, she’s 9.

It’s just not the example I’d want her or my sons to follow.

But then again they could realize this isn’t real love and go for the complete opposite.

[Anonymous]

FTR- when looking for a mate I never once thought I needed someone like my dad. I just wanted a family, In search of love and bonding and comfort I never felt with my own.

Funny how I still ended up without it.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a doormat but a good dad for us. I adored him and felt sorry for him for most of my childhood because my mom was a wacko. When I was 18 it dawned on me how he never really stood up to her for us and how he failed us in other ways by being so feeble, and it was like the biggest crisis of my life.
I would always pick soft spoken, no drama, fairly passive men so that I could dominate; married one like that and was having my way in pretty much everything until I went on a long maternity leave and his career skyrocketed; he then gradually started becoming not just unhappy about how I supposedly treated him but also very mean and spiteful and almost a despot. I am now back on my feet and we are divorcing. Funny how I tried to choose my dad but was wrong.