And so it begins...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I just got the disciplinary referral form and it has completely omitted all of the inappropriate staff actions.

Apparently, while pinned down by the plant engineer he kicked him. But in the disciplinary referral it is written as if he approached the man and kicked him. I am once again shaking I am so angry.

I spoke with our PSL equivalent and she strongly encouraged me to bring in an advocate next week when we start the actual IEP meetings. She basically said the new administration doesn’t understand inclusion.

\

That's terrible. I would write up your own version, if you haven't done that yet.

Have you been able to speak with the principal and special ed teacher?

Oh, as for your son being at the IEP meeting - if it were me, that added variable would just be too overwhelming for me personally (not knowing how my child would act; trying to be mom to him instead of focusing on the meeting). What if you had him record a video or write a letter? If it were any other year and you hadn't just been through this experience, I'd say it would be great to have him there. But sounds too stressful for this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I just got the disciplinary referral form and it has completely omitted all of the inappropriate staff actions.

Apparently, while pinned down by the plant engineer he kicked him. But in the disciplinary referral it is written as if he approached the man and kicked him. I am once again shaking I am so angry.

I spoke with our PSL equivalent and she strongly encouraged me to bring in an advocate next week when we start the actual IEP meetings. She basically said the new administration doesn’t understand inclusion.

\

That's terrible. I would write up your own version, if you haven't done that yet.

Have you been able to speak with the principal and special ed teacher?

OMG something similar happened to us. Please type up what the assistant principal told you yesterday and email them the notes.
In our case we didn't even get the courtesy of a more accurate, in-depth explanation over the phone. It was only after I spoke with staff members informally that I got the full story but for months we were on a wild goose chase trying to figure out what was going on and spent tens of thousands of dollars on experts. I am horribly sorry this happened to your child. I think the suggestion one PP made about your child doing a video to explain his perspective is a good one.
I would save that and play it at the full IEP meeting. You should invite a supervisor from your district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I just got the disciplinary referral form and it has completely omitted all of the inappropriate staff actions.

Apparently, while pinned down by the plant engineer he kicked him. But in the disciplinary referral it is written as if he approached the man and kicked him. I am once again shaking I am so angry.

I spoke with our PSL equivalent and she strongly encouraged me to bring in an advocate next week when we start the actual IEP meetings. She basically said the new administration doesn’t understand inclusion.

Yes, they tend to mix up what happened first on purpose to cover their butts and justify the restraint. Demand that get erased from his record.
I'm glad the other families are being supportive. It may take him a long time to recover from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m sorry. I too have a child with serious emotional issues. They dont involve any type of violence towards others, but when he is triggered, he seriously self harms. And I have been at this for a lot more years than you - mine is now in HS. Here’s my two cents for what it’s worth.

For those who say lawyer up and find a private placement, well clearly they have no clue what the placement options are. Better advice is to suck up so that your kid doesn’t get sent to a private placement. No school wants violent kids, whether it be towards others or towards themselves.

As to where to go from here, if you have a supportive school and peer group, which it sounds like you do, then you’ve got to give them a break. It’s the beginning of school with a lot of new people. Even with hearts, heads and intentions all in the right place, there will be screw ups and some of them will be major. I know. I’ve been there.

Looking back is good if you need to figure out what went wrong. If you already know and everyone gets it, then there is no point in rehashing and blaming. Once everyone is on the same page, then you need to figure out how to prevent it. Maybe you identify three safe people (that was an easy one because we just identified my son’s third safe person last week - two wasn’t enough). Whatever. If your experience is anything like mine, the school will have ideas too.

As for an advocate, my thoughts are this. You obviously are amazing at this. This clusterf$&@ that happened was because things went wrong, people weren’t trained well enough, not enough supports were identified, whatever. But you put together a plan. You made sure everyone knew the plan. You are addressing what was either a series of mistakes, a failure of the plan or an incomplete plan. You don’t need anyone - at least not now. By taking an advocate you lose credibility. They will know you don’t believe in yourself or the plan or your ability to get your son what he needs. It’s like admitting defeat and turning over your power.

A better course would be to get yourself mentally ready to discuss what went wrong (and not blame) and to figure out how to prevent it in the future. That’s your goal. Don’t lose your focus and don’t lose your confidence. Keep your eye on the prize which is helping your son grow up to be as independent, productive, and functional as he is able. Don’t let the bad days define you. Just get back on track and move forward.

I know a lot of people will disagree. But I have 14 years of experience at this and my son has probably the most robust IEP and support system that you could imagine. And, so far, I’ve kept him mainstreamed.

I think it would be beneficial to go over what happened. Not to cast blame, but to ensure that everyone knows how to ensure it doesn't happen again. This is why we do post failure analysis. As a parent, it's really hard not to blame and to get very emotional, but the more you can frame it as a learning experience FOR THE SCHOOL, the better they'll be able to learn from it to protect your child. The best scenario is where they own their failure and take the initiative to go over everything that happened and learn from it, but you can set the stage by how you talk about it.

I agree with a PP who suggested video taping your child's statement. I think that's a good middle ground that allows him to be involved without putting him in the position of attending what could be a very difficult IEP meeting. An alternative could be that he comes at the very beginning to say his piece and then goes to another place for the remainder of the meeting. You'd have to precoordinate that, of course, to make sure there's somewhere he can go with supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the kids and their moms have been the surprising bright spot here. He has finally made some real friends.

My favorite quote so far came from a neighbor child who dropped by to see if he could play this afternoon. She said that everybody has hard days sometimes- and little kids need help with big feelings because we’re all still learning. I almost cried.

Then she proceeded to look for roly polys under rocks with my son.

+1. You have a good village OP. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

OP here- reporting back. That was a painful meeting, it was obvious that everything that could have gone wrong did. And the new AP was trying to say that what the janitor did holding my son down was not a hold.

But moving forward we have a real IEP meeting for Monday where we will work on getting an actual crisis plan in place.

The advocate who joined was amazing- she knew most of the people in the room quite well and underscored all of the points I made. She was perfect and I felt so much better having her there on my side. She was form the local Autism Society. I really need to get more involved there.

And the new AP burst into tears with just me and the classroom teacher after the meeting and admitted this was her first meltdown or disciplinary situation she has ever had to manage and she feels like she really really messed up. She asked me what my advice was for her to learn how to better support my child. I was torn between being furious that they would put someone so obviously ill-prepared into this role, and feeling bad for her because we all have to learn sometime.

So I am going to start a new thread- what do you wish your AP knew to solicit suggestions for her.

Thanks everyone for your support!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the updates, OP. I cannot believe the disciplinary referral! I'm so very glad you were able to get an effective advocate and that you were well supported by her. I'll head over to your other thread tomorrow but I want to plant a seed that you should request that at one of the 'in service' trainings the school staff get be in the area of restraint and crisis intervention. That training will cost the school system less than a lawsuit. There were so many fails in that incident that it speaks of a wider, systemic problem - one that can't be fixed with suggestions. That disciplinary referral, to me, indicates there was some collusion to reshape what happened. There needs to be some serious training. Hugs. Please keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

I am commenting here rather than the new thread, because I see the AP’s position as a strong positive. At least she wants to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- reporting back. That was a painful meeting, it was obvious that everything that could have gone wrong did. And the new AP was trying to say that what the janitor did holding my son down was not a hold.

But moving forward we have a real IEP meeting for Monday where we will work on getting an actual crisis plan in place.

The advocate who joined was amazing- she knew most of the people in the room quite well and underscored all of the points I made. She was perfect and I felt so much better having her there on my side. She was form the local Autism Society. I really need to get more involved there.

And the new AP burst into tears with just me and the classroom teacher after the meeting and admitted this was her first meltdown or disciplinary situation she has ever had to manage and she feels like she really really messed up. She asked me what my advice was for her to learn how to better support my child. I was torn between being furious that they would put someone so obviously ill-prepared into this role, and feeling bad for her because we all have to learn sometime.

So I am going to start a new thread- what do you wish your AP knew to solicit suggestions for her.

Thanks everyone for your support!

I am so amazed and happy that your AP was so honest and eager to learn. I know you are upset but I would focus on trying to repair the relationship between your child and the school. That could begin with the AP talking to your child 1:1 or with you there about how he feels it could have gone better and her just hearing him out and promising to partner better next time. I think all children need to understand grown ups make mistakes and it's how they react afterwards that defines their personality.
Our AP has always been a big fat liar so I have seen the opposite and know enough to tell you her attitude is going to make a huge difference going forward.

[Anonymous]

I think this is really good advice. Our IEP meeting is Monday and I am trying to stay firmly in the “how do we work together moving forward place”. We will deal with the inaccurate disciplinary referral and state reporting forms later.

The advocate asked an interesting question about this. She wanted to know how my child reconciles. We all recognize that we have to get some positive relationships going after this event to prevent him from perseveration on the negative.

In our family we apologize and try to make amends- that can be a hug or making a special snack or something. It is often just sitting and talking about fun things we’ve done or want to do. Or having a tickle fight. None of these are really school friendly activities.

Does anyone have suggestions of ways students and teachers can reconcile after a traumatic event like this one?

My only idea so far is having DS take some of his favorite rocks to school to share with the team to establish a positive interaction.

[Anonymous]

I don't have anything useful to add, just wanted to say that OP, you are a rock star. I'm so impressed at how rational and positive you are remaining.
I'm also really impressed with the kids in your son's class, and even with the AP and her willingness to admit mistakes and learn from them.
I know it's all super-crappy right now, but from the outside-in, it looks like your little boy has an incredible village to help him be the best person he can be.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so impressed with how calm and professional you are keeping through all of this - you've really navigated through a nightmare of a situation. I hope things will improve for both you and your child soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is really good advice. Our IEP meeting is Monday and I am trying to stay firmly in the “how do we work together moving forward place”. We will deal with the inaccurate disciplinary referral and state reporting forms later.

The advocate asked an interesting question about this. She wanted to know how my child reconciles. We all recognize that we have to get some positive relationships going after this event to prevent him from perseveration on the negative.

In our family we apologize and try to make amends- that can be a hug or making a special snack or something. It is often just sitting and talking about fun things we’ve done or want to do. Or having a tickle fight. None of these are really school friendly activities.

Does anyone have suggestions of ways students and teachers can reconcile after a traumatic event like this one?

My only idea so far is having DS take some of his favorite rocks to school to share with the team to establish a positive interaction.

"We apologize" -- that is actually the most critically important thing that school can do, apologize directly to your son. My kid is much older and only moderately affected by an LD but he has still had many occasions where teachers said or did cruel things to him and no one has EVER apologized for ANYTHING. My DC is old enough to know an apology is warranted and old enough to feel hurt by not getting one.

The best thing the school can do is apologize directly to your son. That is a minimum. Another thing might be for the apology to be followed by some kind of statement to the effect that the school doesn't want a situation like that to happen again and they are working as a team with mom, but they would also like to know from the student directly what his triggers and preferred recovery is. Of course, you wouldn't state it like that, but some discussion directly with the student in plain, non-blaming language would give him a sense of empowerment and self-advocacy.

[Anonymous]

Did you have your meeting today, OP? How did it go?

[Anonymous]

OP here- reporting back.

We did have our meeting today and it was a good a partnering discussion about how we need to adjust the current IEP, add some additional counseling support etc. We also got very specific with the PSL about the actions that needed to be taken to define the crisis plan (heirarchy of responses), specific decisions about social emotional learning components etc. We even came up with some social emotional scales and tools that can be used for the whole class so as not to set my child apart. And we identified a room that can be turned into a "calm down" room for any student that needs it on their hallway. The counselor (former ABA shadow team supervisor) is very happy about that development. We will be donating the bean bag to that room, the OT will bring a box of fidgets/ calming items, and the walls will have posters with calm-down strategies.

It was a really, really good discussion. I felt like everyone was really trying to figure out how best to support my child. And I am reasonably optimistic about how we will proceed.

On the other hand, it became apparent through the conversation that our case manager has not really been doing her job. Her colleagues were frustrated enough with her to point out each item that she needs to take the lead on and that she isn't CPI trained herself. (CPI is the de-escalation/ restraint certification they use.) That also means that she was not supposed to facilitate the staff debrief discussion that occurred after the incident.

And somehow although last week the AP told me it is really difficult to get someone CPI trained since there aren't many classes. Miraculously the principal has arranged for a school-wide CPI refresher training to happen this Thursday. And the district trainer will be running monthly refresher sessions at the school to be sure everyone's de-escalation skills stay sharp. Which is all good. But I am pressing for (and got agreement to) a specific 1 page summary to be prepared about my child's de-escalation strategies and provided to all of the team members along with a briefing about what happened last time and how we want to avoid that happening again.

It was interesting to note that several of my child's "specials" teachers volunteered to be trained so that they could be part of his official de-escalation team. They felt like they would be able to reach him when he was upset. So thank you to the science, music and art teachers who are willing to go the extra mile to create a safe space for their students. And our principal is the lead on that team, so he is to be called first. He has a counseling background and really gets my son.

They also found a district policy that covers crisis procedures that is slightly different than the state one I had brought to their attention last week. It isn't different enough that their actions are ok, but some of the timeline requirements are softer (24 hours versus same day reporting). The AP revised the state reporting and disciplinary form in a way that is still inaccurate and misleading. So I am going to address that tomorrow separately with the AP and the principal. We need to get those records complete and accurate, and that might take a few more meetings to be sure we have input from everyone who was there.

So to keep us moving forward and accountable I have summarized all of the agreed upon tasks from the meeting and put names next to each one. I plan to follow up via email this week and if they aren't done, we will need to have another IEP meeting next week to review our status. Our principal usually runs a pretty tight ship, so that should keep things moving.

But most importantly, my son went to school today in spite of his anxiety. And he had a good day.