And so it begins...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in our third week of school and today I got the call to pick up my 3rd grader because he had a meltdown and they couldn’t calm him down.

Of course before today I had confirmed appropriate teacher placement, provided brief summary of IEP along with key triggers/ deescalation strategies and full IEP attached, set up a meeting with new AP and classroom teacher for tomorrow ironically. And I had reminded he entire team of our plan to have a “crisis team” prepared with this info in case his regular people weren’t available.

And so today when I was debriefing the situation we realized:
-nobody had read the IEP or remembered my email
-both the principal and sped teacher were offsite so his safe people were unavailable
-he got stuck on a writing task (his known kryptonite) that was so difficult the teacher couldn’t do it (tiny map labeling)
-when he refused to go to recess they left him with new AP who he had never met
- when he date on the rug and was kicking the floor (one of his approved venting activities) they called a guy in facilities whose son is on the spectrum
- that man was asked to pin my child’s legs down so he couldn’t hurt himself (confinement is another trigger)
- the mans pants were wet and since my child had last seen him repairing the boys bathroom my germaphobe child became focused on the toilet water being smeared on him
- by the time I walked in there were 8 adults surrounding him trying to talk to him while he had a meltdown

So tomorrow I have to put on my happy partnering face and meet the team to review how this should have gone down. I know we all have bad days, and my child can go from amazing to nightmare in 5 minutes. So I know their jobs are hard. But can’t they even review the IEPs of th kids who meltdown.But tonight I needed to vent here.

When this kiddo started kindergarten he bit the principal when she lifted him out of his car in car line and someone here wrote the most hysterical limerick which I can’t seem to find. If anyone recalls that limerick I would love to read it again.

Thanks for listening.

They asked a man from facilities to restrain your child? That's so unsafe and illegal. I don't know what district you're in, but every jurisdiction has rules about who and how and when a child can be restrained, and none of them would permit that.

I would be looking for a lawyer to accompany me to the meeting. That's beyond "partnering".

-- special ed teacher

[Anonymous]

Prek SN mom. I'm sorry for this experience, but thank you for the wake up call.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for the reminders about restraint procedures. We are in a different state and I have now printed a copying the local guidelines.

The school has gone radio silent and hasn’t confirmed our meeting tomorrow. But according to their own policy they owe me a report today about the restraint event.

And I know I can request a copy of their debrief discussion notes. I don’t have time to lawyer up before tomorrow’s meeting. But I may contact the local autism society as I know they send advocates into IEP meetings for support. My DH is traveling so it would be nice to have someone in my corner.

[Anonymous]

Are there local privates that would be appropriate for your kid?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately no. And he had a fabulous year at this school last year. Between that and the excellent peer group I am not ready to give up on this school yet.

But we need to have some really challenging conversations and documentation related to this event and plans for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in our third week of school and today I got the call to pick up my 3rd grader because he had a meltdown and they couldn’t calm him down.

Of course before today I had confirmed appropriate teacher placement, provided brief summary of IEP along with key triggers/ deescalation strategies and full IEP attached, set up a meeting with new AP and classroom teacher for tomorrow ironically. And I had reminded he entire team of our plan to have a “crisis team” prepared with this info in case his regular people weren’t available.

And so today when I was debriefing the situation we realized:
-nobody had read the IEP or remembered my email
-both the principal and sped teacher were offsite so his safe people were unavailable
-he got stuck on a writing task (his known kryptonite) that was so difficult the teacher couldn’t do it (tiny map labeling)
-when he refused to go to recess they left him with new AP who he had never met
- when he date on the rug and was kicking the floor (one of his approved venting activities) they called a guy in facilities whose son is on the spectrum
- that man was asked to pin my child’s legs down so he couldn’t hurt himself (confinement is another trigger)
- the mans pants were wet and since my child had last seen him repairing the boys bathroom my germaphobe child became focused on the toilet water being smeared on him
- by the time I walked in there were 8 adults surrounding him trying to talk to him while he had a meltdown

So tomorrow I have to put on my happy partnering face and meet the team to review how this should have gone down. I know we all have bad days, and my child can go from amazing to nightmare in 5 minutes. So I know their jobs are hard. But can’t they even review the IEPs of th kids who meltdown.But tonight I needed to vent here.

When this kiddo started kindergarten he bit the principal when she lifted him out of his car in car line and someone here wrote the most hysterical limerick which I can’t seem to find. If anyone recalls that limerick I would love to read it again.

Thanks for listening.

They asked a man from facilities to restrain your child? That's so unsafe and illegal. I don't know what district you're in, but every jurisdiction has rules about who and how and when a child can be restrained, and none of them would permit that.

I would be looking for a lawyer to accompany me to the meeting. That's beyond "partnering".

-- special ed teacher

Seriously. I'm in special ed and CPI-certified and reading that gave me the shakes. Everything about it is 100% wrong and incompetent and dangerous. They restrained a child just for kicking the floor? We would have just stood nearby and waited for the student to stop. It takes a LOT more than that to justify going hands-on. OP, please get a lawyer--I am sure the school probably means well but if they are this woefully under-trained and ill-prepared for serious situations like restraining a student, this is a district-level problem that needs immediate attention. I would go nuclear.

[Anonymous]

First off OP, you sound amazing-so level headed and you use humor and empathy so well.

I am both a m a child with autism and a former teacher and I have to say people need to calm down with the whole "lawyer up" thing so soon. Teaching has turned into a miserable profession thanks to all these types of knee jerk lawyer up parents and I have already advised my own children to stay away from the profession.

Yes, the school made big mistakes and I would have an advocate involved as a potential expert witness long before getting a lawyer. They should have had a team meeting to go over protocol and the EP should have been reviewed. Big mistake.

They got someone who has a child with AUTISM to help. It's not like they turned to a random custodian and the 2 key people were out of the building without anyone telling the teacher who to turn to. This is hardly cruelty. Keep in mind if her child injured himself that is a lawsuit waiting happen and it is not uncommon to restrain a child who is a danger to him or herself.

They messed up. Going forward I would have a meeting with the personnel a few days BEFORE school starts to find out what the plan is and give input. That said, if parents run to lawyers every time things go awry, good luck finding people to teach your grandchildren one day. It's the same with people who sue OBGYNs for things that were not preventable. luck finding anyone to deliver our grandchildren. At least they pay a fortune for good malpractice insurance. teachers are screwed and I do believe most really do try to do right by the child.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I really appreciate the professional special educators weighing in here. I walked out of the school shaking but was so focused on supporting my son that I haven’t really unpacked that until now. I was stunned they would use restraint at all in this scenario since he has never been restrained even when in special ed preschool and melting down regularly. His ABA therapist was the only person who ever laid hands on him and that was very minimal too.

I remember our FCPS Sped case manage explaining that she would never lay hands on a child in crisis unless there was an immediate risk to safety. But we never explored that because there wasn’t any need.

This assistant principal is new to our school and very, very green. She was very apologetic when we spoke briefly earlier today and basically reported all of the facts I shared to me. I feel like this was a perfect storm of circumstances with all of the experienced sped resources and administrators out of the school when this went down.

So I feel like I want to hear their side and see what they are going to commit to in writing to prevent this from happening again for my child or any child. We are in a small district with no private options. So perhaps this incident will serve to get this AP to appropriately focus on theses topics and develop her own skills.

But I know I am conflict averse and that could be driving my optimistic approach.

What would appropriate commitments from the school look like? Has anyone done this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off OP, you sound amazing-so level headed and you use humor and empathy so well.

I agree!
And OP the way your child’s classmates tried to help and knew what to do seriously warms my heart! They sound like sweet and caring kids.

[Anonymous]

Holy F@cking Sh!t! Hugs, OP! You did everything right and still got screwed. That's the worst. As horrendous as this was, there are still some bright spots. It sounds like the school recognizes they messed up big time. You showed such restraint - it's impressive. His classmates were also amazing.

I would absolutely let your DS address the IEP team. He doesn't have to stay for the entire time but can address them at the beginning of the meeting. You want to encourage this self-advocacy and if you can help him practice with the 'I" statements, you're helping him learn effective advocacy techniques. Remind him we label 'behaviors' and no people. Their behavior was 'jerkish' rather than they were 'jerks'.

If your district has a central office with a due process specialist, I would ask that they contact the meeting. You can ask the principal to invite them. If they can't attend in person, they can telephone in. The central office must be aware of this incident in order to ensure better training is provided to all school staff - not just the teachers.

The school should absolutely have a Crisis Intervention Plan and every staff member that comes in contact with your DS should be familiar with it. They should also ensure ever substitute teacher should be familiar with it. Your DS sounds like he's already got some great self-advocacy skills. He should know what's in the plan.

Please post back and let us know how the meeting went. I think you can tell how close to home this hits for so many of us. More hugs.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m sorry. I too have a child with serious emotional issues. They dont involve any type of violence towards others, but when he is triggered, he seriously self harms. And I have been at this for a lot more years than you - mine is now in HS. Here’s my two cents for what it’s worth.

For those who say lawyer up and find a private placement, well clearly they have no clue what the placement options are. Better advice is to suck up so that your kid doesn’t get sent to a private placement. No school wants violent kids, whether it be towards others or towards themselves.

As to where to go from here, if you have a supportive school and peer group, which it sounds like you do, then you’ve got to give them a break. It’s the beginning of school with a lot of new people. Even with hearts, heads and intentions all in the right place, there will be screw ups and some of them will be major. I know. I’ve been there.

Looking back is good if you need to figure out what went wrong. If you already know and everyone gets it, then there is no point in rehashing and blaming. Once everyone is on the same page, then you need to figure out how to prevent it. Maybe you identify three safe people (that was an easy one because we just identified my son’s third safe person last week - two wasn’t enough). Whatever. If your experience is anything like mine, the school will have ideas too.

As for an advocate, my thoughts are this. You obviously are amazing at this. This clusterf$&@ that happened was because things went wrong, people weren’t trained well enough, not enough supports were identified, whatever. But you put together a plan. You made sure everyone knew the plan. You are addressing what was either a series of mistakes, a failure of the plan or an incomplete plan. You don’t need anyone - at least not now. By taking an advocate you lose credibility. They will know you don’t believe in yourself or the plan or your ability to get your son what he needs. It’s like admitting defeat and turning over your power.

A better course would be to get yourself mentally ready to discuss what went wrong (and not blame) and to figure out how to prevent it in the future. That’s your goal. Don’t lose your focus and don’t lose your confidence. Keep your eye on the prize which is helping your son grow up to be as independent, productive, and functional as he is able. Don’t let the bad days define you. Just get back on track and move forward.

I know a lot of people will disagree. But I have 14 years of experience at this and my son has probably the most robust IEP and support system that you could imagine. And, so far, I’ve kept him mainstreamed.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer up? Are you people serious? This is why special ed teachers are burned out, miserable, and hard to find. It was a crisis situation. It’s free public education. Every employee cannot dance on egg shells while our children are melting down and possibly in danger to themselves/others.

I have a child with a million triggers. I have been called to pick up numerous times. I thank them graciously for doing their best, not threaten to sue them because someone trying to help had water on his pants. Please think long and hard before throwing out ridiculous suggestions (about teachers who are babysitting classrooms of atypical children.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer up? Are you people serious? This is why special ed teachers are burned out, miserable, and hard to find. It was a crisis situation. It’s free public education. Every employee cannot dance on egg shells while our children are melting down and possibly in danger to themselves/others.

I have a child with a million triggers. I have been called to pick up numerous times. I thank them graciously for doing their best, not threaten to sue them because someone trying to help had water on his pants. Please think long and hard before throwing out ridiculous suggestions (about teachers who are babysitting classrooms of atypical children.)

NP. You are an idiot. It was not a "crisis situation". The child was not in danger until the adults who were suppose to take care of him started screwing up. It was a stunning and dangerous display of ignorance and incompetence by every school employee involved.

And you obviously have no idea how dangerous physical holds can be when performed by untrained personnel.

[Anonymous]

OMG I just got the disciplinary referral form and it has completely omitted all of the inappropriate staff actions.

Apparently, while pinned down by the plant engineer he kicked him. But in the disciplinary referral it is written as if he approached the man and kicked him. I am once again shaking I am so angry.

I spoke with our PSL equivalent and she strongly encouraged me to bring in an advocate next week when we start the actual IEP meetings. She basically said the new administration doesn’t understand inclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I just got the disciplinary referral form and it has completely omitted all of the inappropriate staff actions.

Apparently, while pinned down by the plant engineer he kicked him. But in the disciplinary referral it is written as if he approached the man and kicked him. I am once again shaking I am so angry.

I spoke with our PSL equivalent and she strongly encouraged me to bring in an advocate next week when we start the actual IEP meetings. She basically said the new administration doesn’t understand inclusion.

\

That's terrible. I would write up your own version, if you haven't done that yet.

Have you been able to speak with the principal and special ed teacher?