What would you do in this nut allergy situation?

[Anonymous]

I take it your husband has adhd, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I take it your husband has adhd, too?

or he thinks his wife has dramatized the allergic reactions and doesn't think it is a big deal...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 13 your son is old enough to be of equal blame as dh

Yes, when he's with friends or other relatives. But he's not to blame for trusting his own father.

Now, going forward, your son knows to ask his dad if food has nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 13 your son is old enough to be of equal blame as dh

Yes, when he's with friends or other relatives. But he's not to blame for trusting his own father.

Now, going forward, your son knows to ask his dad if food has nuts.

Son should be asking everyone, including mom, then confirming by reading the labels himself.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids has bad allergies too. We’ve learned that we simply can’t eat things like that when we go out. Samples are NEVER safe. The person handing them out has no idea. Epipens don’t always work, or aren’t enough.

Your son needs to learn that anything he or his parents didn’t cook should be treated with suspicion and probably avoided.

Having said that, your DH is awful and I’d be furious too. You do need to protect your son from him. He cannot blindly trust his father. It’s sad, but blindly trusting his father could cost him his life.

[Anonymous]

OP, as other posters have said, 13 is more than old enough to manage his allergies and not just assume something handed to him from his father is safe. I grew up with a nut allergy at a time when it wasn't very prevalent and my parents taught me to manage my allergy at a very young age. I knew never to trust food handed to me by anyone, even a parent. Sometimes it meant missing out on things like birthday cake at parties and other treats, but it wasn't worth possibly having a reaction to me so I just said no thanks. I also had inattentive ADHD. That cannot be used as an excuse or justification for your son not managing his own allergies.

I see this all the time as an elementary school teacher and as a parent. Every year I memorize the list that the nurse sends out which lists the allergies that have been reported to the health room that year. I've been in situations where I've seen kids with allergies accept food from others without asking about it and obviously I step in when that happens, but not everyone is as attuned to allergies. As a parent we're asked to never provide snacks that contain allergens for after sports games because there's someone on the team with an allergy. Because there's somewhat of a bubble created around them to keep them safe, they don't always learn to advocate for themselves. A lot of kids rely on their parents and other adults to keep them safe, and they don't learn how to keep themselves safe. People with food allergies should never be lulled into a false sense of security even if it's their own parent handing them food.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m amazed at the people here who think a 13 year old has complete responsibility for s life-threatening situation, while absolving his adult father of any responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m amazed at the people here who think a 13 year old has complete responsibility for s life-threatening situation, while absolving his adult father of any responsibility.

I think every soul here believes this was the father's responsibility, but the father has proven that he is very unreliable so the son needs to take charge. It's not a great situation overall, but it needs to be managed. So, no eating what Dad gives you until you've checked the packaging yourself. If there's no package, don't eat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids has bad allergies too. We’ve learned that we simply can’t eat things like that when we go out. Samples are NEVER safe. The person handing them out has no idea. Epipens don’t always work, or aren’t enough.

Your son needs to learn that anything he or his parents didn’t cook should be treated with suspicion and probably avoided.

Having said that, your DH is awful and I’d be furious too. You do need to protect your son from him. He cannot blindly trust his father. It’s sad, but blindly trusting his father could cost him his life.

+1
I'd be very mad at him, too.
How did your son live to see 13 with him as a father?

Have a blunt convo with your son, remind him of the three instances when his dad's negligence nearly killed him, and tell he he must look out for himself. It's unfair that the 13 year old must be held to a higher standard of responsibility than his adult father, but such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

Completely agree. Surprised that so many PPs completely missed the mark on this one. Sounds like your husband is unwilling to take any responsibility for basic food safety for your son. I'm really not sure I could live with that.

You clearly do not have a teenager with a life threatening allergy.

The biggest, most important takeaway from OPs post is that her 13 year old is completely responsible for these mistakes and MUST start managing his own allergy.

The husband thing is secondary and a background issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids has bad allergies too. We’ve learned that we simply can’t eat things like that when we go out. Samples are NEVER safe. The person handing them out has no idea. Epipens don’t always work, or aren’t enough.

Your son needs to learn that anything he or his parents didn’t cook should be treated with suspicion and probably avoided.

Having said that, your DH is awful and I’d be furious too. You do need to protect your son from him. He cannot blindly trust his father. It’s sad, but blindly trusting his father could cost him his life.

+1
I'd be very mad at him, too.
How did your son live to see 13 with him as a father?

Have a blunt convo with your son, remind him of the three instances when his dad's negligence nearly killed him, and tell he he must look out for himself. It's unfair that the 13 year old must be held to a higher standard of responsibility than his adult father, but such is life.

You don't have a teenager with a life threatening allergy.

This is not even a little bit about dad.

This is about the 13 year old only. Not dad.