Couples who don’t fight

[Anonymous]

We don't fight. Once in a big while, if someone says something cutting/angry, the other person is pretty surprised/concerned rather than responding in anger.

I'm currently upset with my DH, but I'm looking for ways to deal with it on my own, because I don't think it's something he can fix. Once I resolve it in my head, I'll be able to be less distant with him. While I'm distant, he knows not to push me.

Talking things out (much less yelling) doesn't really work for me, because sometimes looking at one's relationship under the microscope tends to aggravate the problems, not resolve them. (I'm talking about things that aren't really resolvable.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My husband and I disagree about all sorts of things but we don't often "fight."

I was going to post something similar. We will disagree and then talk something out. But it's very, VERY rare for either of us to yell. And we don't curse at each other or call each other names or do passive-aggressive things.

+1 We never fight. We're both quiet people, so yelling, name-calling, cursing is unheard of in our house. It doesn't mean we never disagree. We talk about our disagreements or dissatisfaction.

I don't think raising your voice, hurting another person's feelings intentionally is healthy in any way, shape or form. It's also trashy and immature.

Same here. Both of our respective parents bicker and snipe at each other constantly and always have and are each divorced. It is exhausting to be around and neither of us can stand that behavior. So we've always really prioritized respectful communication in our marriage. Doesn't mean we don't lose our temper about stuff from time to time but never at each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't fight. Once in a big while, if someone says something cutting/angry, the other person is pretty surprised/concerned rather than responding in anger.

I'm currently upset with my DH, but I'm looking for ways to deal with it on my own, because I don't think it's something he can fix. Once I resolve it in my head, I'll be able to be less distant with him. While I'm distant, he knows not to push me.

Talking things out (much less yelling) doesn't really work for me, because sometimes looking at one's relationship under the microscope tends to aggravate the problems, not resolve them. (I'm talking about things that aren't really resolvable.)

This is huge for us as well. If I'm really upset, I like to process things on my own for a while before discussing them with DH. He knows to just let me work through it and that I'll come to him when I'm ready but sometimes I just really need a few minutes to stew in my own fumes. I'm really thankful that he'll just leave me be for a bit and in return, I do everything I can to not be grumpy with him while I'm chewing on it and I don't give myself tooooo much time to be a fussybutt.

[Anonymous]

Not fighters here. I'm more concerned for people who are always having a go at each other. Don't like it when we see people bicker in front us or try to make a joke of their spouse/we don't play along with that. We will make carefully bland faces and ignore the behavior in the moment and try to never be around that couple again if we see that.

We talk about everything so we've disagreed/discussed/shared and compared info or 'takes' on something until we arrive at a solution. The goal is always a good resolution/solution. We never just want to fight/hurt each other/win. We have the same values/take on finances/kids/marriage.

[Anonymous]

almost 40 years together. not even once. there are times we are "quiet" with each other but that's about it. yes, we are still very happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I learned not to bring stuff up with him ... all he ever did was get defensive and then want to rehash the fight days later when I was done with it. He snaps at me and I don't like that.

His snapping at you obviously isn't good, but the part where you want to be done with it after he's had time to think about it seems a little unfair. You've probably had time to think about the problem before you say anything. He probably gets defensive because he's not ready to deal with it immediately.

That's probably a fair assessment. I'll keep that in mind.

DPP. It sounds like he needs a few days to think about the problem, come to terms with what happened, analyze who did what, he said, she said, and come up with ideas for how to discuss and address the issues. Whereas you would like to discuss things in a much shorter time frame. He feels that you are rushing him into discussing something he's not ready to discuss yet and you feel the way you describe. Both of you come out of it feeling unsatisfied.

You (together) need to work on the dynamic when you are not fighting so that you can effectively discuss fights and not only figure out how to decrease the number, but also to discuss the actual fights that occur and come to some closure for each of you. Right now, your process has it so that both of you end up frustrated and not resolving anything. That can bottle up over time and at some point in the future, that long held frustration is going to come out of one of you and that one will say something that may not be easily forgiven and that they may regret.

So, when you are not fighting, talk about how you handle these fights. If, as I surmise, the issue is timing then you have to discuss how to come to a compromise about how long to take to rehash the problem so that you don't feel completely forgotten and he has time to process.

[Anonymous]

Don't have kids with special needs and two full time plus jobs like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I don't fight. We've been married since 1998. We definitely disagree, but whomever is most passionate about a subject wins and the other caves. It helps that we are lock step in finances and are on the same page with our kids. We also met in college so we really grew up together and have spent more of our lives together as a couple than single. We truly grew together rather than apart.

Wow, we're almost exactly the same except we were married in 1997. I would also add that when one of us realizes that he/she has made the other angry or hurt, he/she apologizes pretty much right then and there and then we talk out what happened.

[Anonymous]

Have been with my husband 20 years, married for 16. It's clear from this thread that there are plenty of healthy relationships where folks DON'T fight -- but we have a very healthy relationship, and we DO fight. We argue and yell, not infrequently. Two strong personalities, and we are fine with this. We do fight fair, and while we are comfortable venting and airing frustration at each other, we know when to stop, and we know how to forgive and forget.

[Anonymous]

We definitely argue. Usually because our lives are stressful and we're tired and cranky about other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this healthy? Or good for a relationship?

Impossible. Fighting fairly is most healthy.

Zero conflict resolution and ignoring large and small grievances is unhealthy. Poor communication, which needs to improve. Seek counseling before it results in anger, stonewalling, contempt, loss of trust, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this healthy? Or good for a relationship?

Fighting is critical in a relationship. Not throwing lamps at each other, but addressing differences and communicating.

Couples that don't fight let issues simmer under the surface, and over time contempt and resentment builds up into something often fatal for the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this healthy? Or good for a relationship?

Fighting is critical in a relationship. Not throwing lamps at each other, but addressing differences and communicating.

Couples that don't fight let issues simmer under the surface, and over time contempt and resentment builds up into something often fatal for the relationship.

Some couples address differences and communicate without "arguing" or "fighting".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Impossible. Fighting fairly is most healthy.

Zero conflict resolution and ignoring large and small grievances is unhealthy. Poor communication, which needs to improve. Seek counseling before it results in anger, stonewalling, contempt, loss of trust, etc.

It's possible to resolve conflicts and not ignore large and small grievances without fighting.

[Anonymous]

We've been married 17 years and I wouldn't call what we do "fighting." No raised voices, no slamming anything around, no bringing up things from the past, no accusations, etc. We don't always agree but we calmly discuss things. The closest we came to being angry at each other was during the small kid phase - tired, stressed, not enough sex. That was the low point where we went to bed angry and not speaking a few times. But once the youngest hit about 4, our relationship got back on track and I can't think of the last time we were angry at each other.