I hate my fantastic husband

[Anonymous]

I think he's cheating. When a guy tells you his friends said negative things about you and he says other things to put you down, he's almost always cheating. He's got to make you look bad so he can feel better about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op.

I am not a troll.

I 100% agree that I should lose weight and am trying to cut out bread and exercise more.

We've done counseling and it feels great when we are doing it (he expresses feelings and listens to me) but the second the session is over, he goes back.

I can't be sure that his friends have actually said that -- he says that they said that but I have caught him in other lies where he just says something to make me feel bad and he admitted it.

This just doesn't seem bad enough to leave him over because we have two kids (6 and 8). I wish it was but he is a partner in a lot of things.

He had a great childhood and family. He was raised very wealthy but still middle class in LA so he had all private schools, fantastic vacations, great memories and his parents doted on him (and still do).


I just wish I could figure out why he treats me this way.

I'd bet you dollars to donuts they never said that. I have no idea why you put up with this. The next time he says something like that, tell him its not okay. There's nothing "fantastic" about a guy who treats you that way. My own dh isn't perfect, but I swear I'd never stick around for that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, everyone loves my husband -- he cooks, cleans, helps out with the kids, has a stable job, doesn't drink or cheat. He always says that I look fine even though I gained weight.

But after 10 years, I realized that I don't like him.

He constantly makes side comments of how he could do better than me, how he does more than me (I also cook/clean/kids and work), and makes me look bad in front of other people. I wear glasses so I'm "blind" or I went back to work so now he is "doing both the house and the job". It works, too. He has had multiple friends say that he should leave me, and he loves flaunting that to me, and then boasting that he's being loyal and would never leave. But I want him to leave!

I don't know how to explain it but it's almost like I'm here just to make him look good and blame me. I feel so small and unworthy (which lead to a lot of the weight gain)

i don't think fantastic means what you think it does. If he makes you feel small and unworthy, that ain't fantastic.

[Anonymous]

I love my wife, but sometimes I get fed up that i do all the emotional work including be the more responsible parent with the house and child rearing, and in those more passionate moments I would say I wish she initiate or take the lead more often.

Are you more passive in your relationship? As we know working, child rearing, and loving a spouse, is a lot of work. My wife can coast sometimes in a marriage making me do most of the driving... are you coasting with the perfect husband? Do you meet his needs? With the weight comments, it sounds like he wants some more sex appeal. Are you flirty? Do you try to seduce him? Or are you floating around in the granny drawers, and slipping into bed for the ole routine?

What do you own up to in your relationship? DCUM wants to know...

[Anonymous]

OP what does "he was raised very wealthy but still middle class" mean? Is that an LA thing?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a miserable way to live. I would have already left him.

[Anonymous]

Doing his "50%" of the hh chores and childcare doesn't make him a fantastic husband. It makes him a husband. Period.

He doesn't sound fantastic at all. He constantly belittles and criticizes you. That isn't any way to live.

[Anonymous]

Being respected should have nothing to do with how much you weigh. Making fun of a physical disability (the need for glasses) is mean. Saying he could do better is belittling.

Those are signs of contempt and marriage flounders when it's there. Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing but that's hard to believe as it starts immediately after counseling is over.

Now that you have acknowledged you don't like him, you have nothing to lose. Don't let it continue to make you miserable. Stand up for yourself in baby steps. Literally walk away when he says horrible things. Start imagining life without him as a partner. It's not the 50's, sharing household duties is standard, not fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Own up OP, what are you contributing (not contributing) to this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

When OP used the term “Fantastic” I suspect she was being a).sarcastic or b).meant on paper.

Or maybe that is the facade he gives off to everyone else but behind closed doors he is ANYthing but.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he could be a Rob Porter type. (the guy who just left the administration for spousal abuse.) Attractive, successful, puts up a good front and then takes all his anger/frustration on his wife.

He may not be beating you yet, but this is emotional abuse. I'd get out if you can. The thing that sucks is that your friends will have a hard time reconciling the person they saw as the person you describe, so be prepared for some pushback.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like emotional abuse to me. I'm sorry, OP. Don't let him chip away at your self-worth. And don't let this be the relationship example that your kids grow up observing. You want your sons to know how to respect a woman and your daughters to know that they deserve respect. My husband does the laundry and buys the groceries and works, and he never complains or boasts about it. He's not perfect - he's got anger issues - but he doesn't put me down. That's abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife, but sometimes I get fed up that i do all the emotional work including be the more responsible parent with the house and child rearing, and in those more passionate moments I would say I wish she initiate or take the lead more often.

Are you more passive in your relationship? As we know working, child rearing, and loving a spouse, is a lot of work. My wife can coast sometimes in a marriage making me do most of the driving... are you coasting with the perfect husband? Do you meet his needs? With the weight comments, it sounds like he wants some more sex appeal. Are you flirty? Do you try to seduce him? Or are you floating around in the granny drawers, and slipping into bed for the ole routine?

What do you own up to in your relationship? DCUM wants to know...

You’re a pathetic asshole. I’m not OP and am a slim married woman with a kind, involved DH who shows me he is into me. Look at what you wrote. Your DW is probably coasting because you have an awful personality.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so I gathered the courage to really speak calmly to DH and he broke down and said that he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he doesn't feel empathy or sympathy ever -- not with me or our kids or even his friends or ex-girlfriends. He has cheated (not on me but on ex-girlfriends) and explained that he feels bad that he doesn't feel bad.

And the comments from his friends were more innocuous than he made them out to be, but they were really asking about his happiness.

I think marriage is killing him as much as it's killing me. He's just the kind of person who can't be tied down and so he is being mean to be so he can survive.

[Anonymous]

Thanks OP. I don’t buy it that “it’s his personality and desire to not be tied down” as the reasons, that sounds like a slippery slope lame cop out excuse for ending a marriage shortly thereafter.
He needs counseling. Or to fess up he’s not marriage or father material and prefers to end it.