Having a hard time fitting in at private school...as parents

[Anonymous]

How small is this private school? It matters. In future grades, especially, your DD will need to have choices for friends. Everyone needs this. This is an advantage of public school. It offers so much more choice, easy to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself this - if you don't feel like you have much in common with the parents, how do you think your child feels? Do you think she'll fit in/feel comfortable at the school? If these people don't have the same values as you -- perhaps this isn't where your daughter should be.

This +100.

We have financial aid kids in my children’s middle and elementary schools, and these are the hidden issues. There are just too many opportunities for awkward moments and faux pas events with these kids who MIGHT be cognitively “bright” but socially clueless and woefully lacking in emotional and cultural intelligence.

A couple of years ago my son thought he wanted to be friends with this boy in his class. He had a working-class nickname...let’s say it was “Spike” (or something of that ilk”.

My son invited “Spike” to his birthday party. The teacher strongly encouraged parents to invite all kids if invitations were distributed in school, and it was just easier to do so.

We had the party at the club, and Spike’s Mom, an overweight housekeeper at a Days Inn, went on and on about how touched they were and that they’d love to reciprocate and have my son over for KFC. I smiled and said my son has a specific diet that precludes a lot of dining options, and then excused myself to greet other guests.

Spike was one of those overly helpful kids, who doesn’t know what it means to be a guest and thinks somehow his “help” is needed to support the staff we members pay for in our dues . I know it was just a reflection of his discomfort, but that’s exactly why he didn’t really belong in the school no matter how much his cognitive gifts made him a recipient of “aid”.

The end, though, was the kicker. The party is ending and parents, nannies and au pairs are picking up their kids. I don’t mind the domestic childcare people as they are all well-dressed and not doing this as a career. Princess Diana and Elim Nordegren would be dowdy in comparison to some of these sweet young things.

Then Spike’s Dad rolls up. Imagine what a man who names his son “Spike” looks like. Short. Stocky. Work clothes. Steel toed shoes with duct tape (!!!) holding the soles together. Patches on each knee, and another patch on his work jacket. Comes up and thanks me for hosting his son, and babbles about the opportunity his kid is getting that he never got—-forgetting of course that I’M PAYING for that opportunity. Nice.

So he takes Spike and says they “gotta” make one more stop on the way home. At 7:00 PM on a Saturday.
See. Spike, while telling me how the run of the mill club spread was the “BEST meal” he’d ever had, told me dessert sure beat the candy bars in his Dad’s
Vending machines.

That’s right. Spike’s Dad couldn’t get his job done and kept his kid out so he could “hit” one more set of machines.

I’m sure DCUM will get all huffy about how I talk about this boy Spike and his family. But I write this way so you can see just how huge the gulf is.
Spike no more belongs on scholarship in my children’s school than my children do at say Wakefield in Arlington or George Mason in Falls Church. He belongs where he can be a fish in a small pond, not a guppy in the Caribbean. He’s going to be humiliated Day after day as parents don’t let their kids visit his Section 8 apartment in his “transitional” neighborhood, as coaches here ask how he can play basketball without attending camps. And sadly, as beautiful young women inevitably mock him as he clumsily tries to ask them out.

Spike is a sweet, sweet boy...but our school (and his naive parents) are doing him a huge disservice in pretending his natural intelligence and work ethic can somehow compensate for the demoralization that happens when you realize that despite it all, you just don’t belong. We need to get charter schools all throughout the country so the Spikes can find an alternative to public school hellholes without being thrown as malformed babies into an ocean where they will drown psychologically and emotionally.

private school parents would probably much more accepting of these families (being nice to these parents/kids would make them feel good about themselves) than of run of the miller super boring middle class families

No, the private school parents absolutely wouldn't. I know from experience.

I was unfortunately a private school lifer; my parents sacrificed to send me to private school-from an academic point of view it was fine, but socially? All the "poor" kids stuck together because we were just ignored socially, and it became much worse in high school.

[Anonymous]

We have little in common with other parents at DC’s school. We are polite at the (few) school campus events we attend, and participate in minor “small talk”, but do not seek friends there. We don’t get invited to off-campus events (e.g., no invites to other parents homes or CC), which we are (privately) relieved about.

DC is there for the education, not a social life. We do try to support the school within our means and we volunteer to help out for a few on-campus events as part of that support. We do not want a “leadership” role in that volunteering.

In short, our lives are largely outside the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spike kid may be made up, but the moral of the story is not that off the mark.

We purposefully chose a school cluster that wasn't "wealthy" because of this very issue. We are UMC, but I like to live frugally. My kids don't have the latest gadgets or name brand stuff. They shop at goodwill with their friends.

Even so, some of DC's friends do come from money, and they have really nice stuff, and go on really nice vacations, and DCs don't have that and notice it. They don't complain about it because they have a comfortable life, but imagine if you are the only kid in your group of friends who has never been on a plane, let alone a nice vacation (we have), or shops at Target for their clothes (my kids have done) rather than the name brand stores.

It takes a really strong self aware kid to not mind being the odd one out.

exactly. I wish this was acknowledged more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter started preK at a private school last September. We really wrestled with sending her there vs. sending her to public school for many reasons, one of which is that we knew that as parents, we'd fit in way better at public school.

Well, that has turned out to be true. I'm finding it hard to connect and find common ground with other parents in my daughter's class. Many (most) of them are very wealthy, while we are middle class and receive financial aid. Most of the moms don't work, most families don't live in our town, etc. By contrast, we have such a lovely community of parent friends at our preschool (our daughter went there, our younger son is still there), and we're really missing it.

We decided to send her to private school because the education is top-notch and we couldn't pass up that opportunity for our daughter. But I'm wishing that we as parents had more of a community at school. We are friendly/cordial with other parents at school events etc., but I can't really envision socializing with any of the, We're just not finding "our people," and that feels a little lonely/isolating.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing and can share some suggestions or commiseration?

Find your socializing elsewhere. If the school is good for your dd why do you need to get sling with the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter started preK at a private school last September. We really wrestled with sending her there vs. sending her to public school for many reasons, one of which is that we knew that as parents, we'd fit in way better at public school.

Well, that has turned out to be true. I'm finding it hard to connect and find common ground with other parents in my daughter's class. Many (most) of them are very wealthy, while we are middle class and receive financial aid. Most of the moms don't work, most families don't live in our town, etc. By contrast, we have such a lovely community of parent friends at our preschool (our daughter went there, our younger son is still there), and we're really missing it.

We decided to send her to private school because the education is top-notch and we couldn't pass up that opportunity for our daughter. But I'm wishing that we as parents had more of a community at school. We are friendly/cordial with other parents at school events etc., but I can't really envision socializing with any of the, We're just not finding "our people," and that feels a little lonely/isolating.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing and can share some suggestions or commiseration?

Find your socializing elsewhere. If the school is good for your dd why do you need to get sling with the parents?

Get along.

[Anonymous]

Put a lacrosse stick in Spike’s hand. Tell him the other players are the ones who put him down and call his momma a fatty.

Then give it time. Watch the boy grow, watch him learn to tie his tie and conjugate his verbs. Watch him hustle and watch him work just as hard as his daddy.

Then he goes off to play at Big State. Gets hisself a degree. Meets a bootstrapper booster who gives him that internship because he recognizes the hustle. Then came the job offer. Then came that ol’ familiar work ethic and the spite bottled up from years of all those friends moms who thought his fingernails were dirty and his speech too sharp.

That nickname is buried now. He goes by Sam. And he’s got a duct taped pair of work boots in the trunk of his car in case any of his properties need some repair work done.

He was thankful for the opportunity and even more thankful for the lessons he learned when nobody thought he could hear their dismissives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it but can we please stop pitting the "non working parents" on the working ones. I worked my tail off for 16 years after college then married and had a kid later in life. I don't work now as my husband was traveling nonstop until the pandemic hit. Now I'm 52 and can't get a job to save my life (one that is even remotely close to what I did). Please let's just stop judging based on whether someone works or not. The whole wealthy vs not is also old -no one knows what someone else's situation is.

Also, the line between sahp and wohp is blurred more than ever if we are talking about who is in the pickup line. Dh is in the pickup line every day… bc he works from home and his boss is totally fine with him taking calls from the pickup line. He is dressed very casually and indistinguishable from a sahp unless you talk to him.
OP, did your daughter just start this year? Give it some time! We were probably 3/4 through our first year before we felt like we found parents/families we clicked with. And even the ones that we don’t have a ton in common with - we exchange superficial Happy conversation and that is fine too!
We are also a FA family. It truly does not seem to matter.
As others have said, volunteer. Through our kids, we have met other parents in their grades - but through volunteering we have met other parents in other grades. More opportunities.

Who cares if the lines are blurred between a work at home parent and a stay at home one? This actually crossed your mind? Do you see how ridiculous this is? Like heaven forbid someone thinks he is a stay at home parent. Dear Lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you. Focus on your kid and you'll feel better

Yes, this is the kind of DCUM trolling I love! The fact that people bought it is icing on the cake. Love you, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS started private in MS. I don’t really know the other parents well. It was tough because we started so late in the game. We now know 3 other parents well enough to be comfortable at school events. The rest of the parents are all friendly but it’s more just pleasantries. We don’t socialize with the other parents outside school but my son is very happy there and has made lots of friends. Ultimately his friendships are more important than ours. We have friends from any other places.

I understand where you’re coming from as a parent of a middle school kid myself, but OP has a little kid in preK. When our kid was that young we also expected to get our friend group from her classmates parents. It would have been disappointing if we couldn’t!

Now of course, we have our own friends and our 7th grader has hers. We are just cordial to her friends’ parents but don’t socialize with them out of school functions. But yes, we had different expectations when she was little.

[Anonymous]

OP, try not to see things through the lens of class. Challenge yourself to find three things in common with every school parent you meet. You’ll be surprised. (Source: I am a class transitioner who struggled for a long time with being around wealthy people. Once I let go of resentment and insecurity and adopted a “folks are folks” attitude, everything was better. Little things flare up occasionally, but I am able to be happy and make friends in both worlds.)

[Anonymous]

You go, Spike! I am rooting for you. Some day you will wield those superior cognitive powers to eclipse all the trust-fund babies from your class!

[Anonymous]

This thread is five years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter started preK at a private school last September. We really wrestled with sending her there vs. sending her to public school for many reasons, one of which is that we knew that as parents, we'd fit in way better at public school.

Well, that has turned out to be true. I'm finding it hard to connect and find common ground with other parents in my daughter's class. Many (most) of them are very wealthy, while we are middle class and receive financial aid. Most of the moms don't work, most families don't live in our town, etc. By contrast, we have such a lovely community of parent friends at our preschool (our daughter went there, our younger son is still there), and we're really missing it.

We decided to send her to private school because the education is top-notch and we couldn't pass up that opportunity for our daughter. But I'm wishing that we as parents had more of a community at school. We are friendly/cordial with other parents at school events etc., but I can't really envision socializing with any of the, We're just not finding "our people," and that feels a little lonely/isolating.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing and can share some suggestions or commiseration?

Find your socializing elsewhere. If the school is good for your dd why do you need to get sling with the parents?

I realize this thread is old, but the issue is ever-present. I have a pre-Ker Don’t you know that for pre-K (and I am guessing K and 1st and maybe a little beyond) parents control the socialization for their kids? Unless the kid is super-charismatic, they are not going to receive playdate invites or be in the “know” about sports leagues and summer camps unless a parent makes an effort.

[Anonymous]

Don't people have their own friends? I think it's odd that people rely on their kid's friend's parents for their social circle.