Half assed house chores better than none at all?

[Anonymous]

This is why discussions (some may call them interviews) before marriage are absolutely useless. Nobody is going to say “You know what, Jane, loading the dishwasher, I simply won’t do it”. “That laundry, that’s your job, I expect it to be washed, fulded and put away whenever I need it”.


My question is why this topic was so important to you? When having this discussion, did you also discuss what I call the traditional “boy jobs” changing lightbulbs, car stuff, battery changing, responding to sounds in the night?

I don’t think you need to be grateful if clothes are getting ruined or dishes aren’t getting clean.

You probably need to take over theses tasks yourself, I know that I prefer to do dishes and laundry. Plus, my husband is always really sweet when he sees me doing the dishes.

Know too that very likely nobody ever explained to him how/why these tasks are done in a certain way. Sexist or not, we all only know what we know, and we have no control over what our parents taught us.

Stop focusing on the chores and focus on being kind to each other. You should have enough slack in your life, schedule and budget to say “This sink is really full, let’s get takeout tonight”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the chore. Half-assed vacuuming is better than none; it does not create more work and looks better than before. Half washed clothes and dishes leads to more work, so no.

I was coming to say this. Depends on the chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the chore. Half-assed vacuuming is better than none; it does not create more work and looks better than before. Half washed clothes and dishes leads to more work, so no.

This.

+2

Pretty much this.

[Anonymous]

So maybe shift the duties so he can do the things that can be half-assed (perhaps on a more frequent schedule) and you do the things that need to be done well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I came on here to tell you that half-assed was OK, but he's not actually doing the job, in my opinion. Dirty dishes and mildewy clothes are unacceptable.

I would tell him you still both need to work on meeting in the middle. You can perhaps live with inside out clothes in your drawer, as long as they don't stink, but you don't want to eat off sticky plates.

+1 I was prepared to take your DH's side before you got to the examples. Half assing something and getting a result that is acceptable but not perfect is ok, like the inside out clothes being folded, but the rest of it is not half assing, its creating more work by doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it truly half-assed or is it passive aggressive?

If there is a REASONABLE standard for how a household chore should be done (like dishes your family uses are fully clean and sanitary) then your DH should be doing it that way.

You've explained to him why and how it should be done. Yet he continues to do it his way. IMO that smacks of passive aggressiveness. Or some kind of control issue.

My DH intellectually KNOWS that the used dish cloth should be hung up after use so it can dry. Yet he insists on rolling it into a wet, compacted ball and shoving it in the sponge holder along with the sponge. Every day I take it out, hang it up and every day he does it again.

Yes, he has passive aggressive and control issues.

[Anonymous]

For efficiency’s sake? Half-assed chores aren’t better.

For a relationship? They may be. Only you can choose OP, but I chose to stop telling DH *how* to do the things I would ask him to do. He loads the dishwasher differently than I do — rather than go behind him and change it to my way, or suggest he do it my way, I just let it go. That said, we already had a problem with division of labor so I was happy to have anything off my plate and not spend time and brainpower worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why discussions (some may call them interviews) before marriage are absolutely useless. Nobody is going to say “You know what, Jane, loading the dishwasher, I simply won’t do it”. “That laundry, that’s your job, I expect it to be washed, fulded and put away whenever I need it”.


My question is why this topic was so important to you? When having this discussion, did you also discuss what I call the traditional “boy jobs” changing lightbulbs, car stuff, battery changing, responding to sounds in the night?

I don’t think you need to be grateful if clothes are getting ruined or dishes aren’t getting clean.

You probably need to take over theses tasks yourself, I know that I prefer to do dishes and laundry. Plus, my husband is always really sweet when he sees me doing the dishes.

Know too that very likely nobody ever explained to him how/why these tasks are done in a certain way. Sexist or not, we all only know what we know, and we have no control over what our parents taught us.

Stop focusing on the chores and focus on being kind to each other. You should have enough slack in your life, schedule and budget to say “This sink is really full, let’s get takeout tonight”.

While I agree with you about stereotypical gender roles in chores, I'd like to note those examples (as well as many other traditional male chores) are intermittent at best and almost never daily chores, like cleaning the kitchen, dishes, laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

No.

Do something and do it right.

Have some pride in yourself, your family, your home.

Half a$$ed doesn’t cut it at most real jobs, real relationships and really anything you spend time doing. But accepting it to live with a selfish slob or mentally disordered person that behaves like an untrained dog? Usually the untrained and untrainable dog has to go. Only a few select people would keep it around in one room and clean up the $hit, smell and mess every week. And certainly not w a smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Half assing it creates more work in the end. Or ruined clothes.

How could that be considered acceptable?

+ 1

Usually results in someone else having to redo things, fix things, rebuy the same thing, etc.

Is a bad habit, this halfway doing things. Very unreliable. Hard to trust someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably how he did the chores before he moved in with you and thinks the results are acceptable. People that didn’t have parental supervision with household tasks or possess attention to detail will often do it the way they figured it should be done. There are also those who had everything done for them and consider doing such chores either imposition or a waste of time that could be better spent on more meaningful activities. As others have said, you must decide whether you want to do it yourself the right way, hire household help to do it, or get into this with your DH every time he doesn’t really get it done. His attitude is everything here.

Maybe.

But the natural feedback loop doesn’t seem to be registering with him. Oh, I still had wet clothes that later smell moldy, I shall drive smaller loads next time.

He’s careless, thoughtless, selfish. Real question is WHY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it truly half-assed or is it passive aggressive?

If there is a REASONABLE standard for how a household chore should be done (like dishes your family uses are fully clean and sanitary) then your DH should be doing it that way.

You've explained to him why and how it should be done. Yet he continues to do it his way. IMO that smacks of passive aggressiveness. Or some kind of control issue.

My DH intellectually KNOWS that the used dish cloth should be hung up after use so it can dry. Yet he insists on rolling it into a wet, compacted ball and shoving it in the sponge holder along with the sponge. Every day I take it out, hang it up and every day he does it again.

Yes, he has passive aggressive and control issues.

Gawd that sounds like autism. Like a child but one that cannot learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it truly half-assed or is it passive aggressive?

If there is a REASONABLE standard for how a household chore should be done (like dishes your family uses are fully clean and sanitary) then your DH should be doing it that way.

You've explained to him why and how it should be done. Yet he continues to do it his way. IMO that smacks of passive aggressiveness. Or some kind of control issue.

My DH intellectually KNOWS that the used dish cloth should be hung up after use so it can dry. Yet he insists on rolling it into a wet, compacted ball and shoving it in the sponge holder along with the sponge. Every day I take it out, hang it up and every day he does it again.

Yes, he has passive aggressive and control issues.

Gawd that sounds like autism. Like a child but one that cannot learn.

Childish yet adamant he needs to do it his way, especially if you suggest otherwise.

Does something similar with windshield washer fluid. Bugs all over windshield, fluid receptacle is completely full, yet he insists on only spritzing an amount equivalent to a spitball on the windshield, letting it smear everything around and completely blurring vision. I ask him to please squirt more on and he will refuse, saying what he's put on is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it truly half-assed or is it passive aggressive?

If there is a REASONABLE standard for how a household chore should be done (like dishes your family uses are fully clean and sanitary) then your DH should be doing it that way.

You've explained to him why and how it should be done. Yet he continues to do it his way. IMO that smacks of passive aggressiveness. Or some kind of control issue.

My DH intellectually KNOWS that the used dish cloth should be hung up after use so it can dry. Yet he insists on rolling it into a wet, compacted ball and shoving it in the sponge holder along with the sponge. Every day I take it out, hang it up and every day he does it again.

Yes, he has passive aggressive and control issues.

Gawd that sounds like autism. Like a child but one that cannot learn.

Childish yet adamant he needs to do it his way, especially if you suggest otherwise.

Does something similar with windshield washer fluid. Bugs all over windshield, fluid receptacle is completely full, yet he insists on only spritzing an amount equivalent to a spitball on the windshield, letting it smear everything around and completely blurring vision. I ask him to please squirt more on and he will refuse, saying what he's put on is enough.

That's why I wonder if OP has similar issues with her DH regarding half-assed chores - is it passive aggressive?

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaning service - it is cheaper than marriage counseling.

Pick your battles - life is not perfect.

I have stepped over my DH's dirty clothes, bought myself nice towels that I wash myself, thrown out the coffee cups that got gross after not being washing properly, taken my clothes to the dry cleaners, and I am sure DH could make a similar list about some of my habits - that is marriage, figuring out how to work to your strengths. Life is too short to worry about laundry.