Therapists experienced with "Failure to Launch" or Adult Entitled Dependence (AED)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my 45-year-old sister who still lives in our parents' house. Mom died a couple of months ago and I think we should sell the house, but I have no idea how to get my sister out of there. If you have a kid like this, please don't be like my parents and enable the behavior.

Take the proceeds from the home sale and she uses her share to buy a studio apartment. She doesn't need a big house to herself.

Let me guess: you're on the hook to pay half the property taxes and maintenance of the house?

No, our parents had a living trust which has plenty of money to pay the taxes/maintenance and I was inclined to just let her stay. But now that there are apparently no visitors to the house anymore (she has no friends really) she's letting the housekeeping go, and she has 2 cats so the house reeks of cat now. The market has bounced back so the house is probably worth around 900k-1M and it would be a shame to not take advantage of that now and sell it. I just brought up my situation as a cautionary tale - I wish my parents had dealt with this when she was younger because now I'm left to deal with my 45-year-old unemployed, mentally ill sister who lives on the other side of the country.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ The sale of the house will be taxed differently if you sell by the end of the year. BTW, BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hilarious? Not if you're affected by it.

Check out this link http://therapyevanston.com/2012/09/failure-to-launch/, which reads in part:

Low functioning grown children who are highly dependent on their parents are a growing phenomenon in many parts of the world. In Japan they are called “Hikikomori”, in Italy “Bamboccioni,” in Germany and France “Tanguy Syndrome”, and in England “NEET” (not in employment, education, or training) or “Kippers” (kids in parents pockets eroding retirement savings). In Canada, they are called “Boomerang Children”, in Austria “Mamma”s Hotel Children,” and in South Korea, they are known as “Kangurus.” In the Unites States, we call it the “Full Nest Syndrome” and “ILYA” (incompletely launched young adult).

Dead link. Also it is just shitty parenting, not a disorder.

Interesting. Our friends have a adult son in his early 20s who still lives with them and appears to be in no hurry to make anything of himself. He was diagnosed with ADD when young and with clinical depression after falling on his face when he tried college. His sister, 20, is a star student on a full ride at a well-regarded University; it's fair to describe her as "driven."

Do you think somehow they were shitty parents for the one, but not for the other?

A parent's job is to raise independent functioning adults. They have medicine for ADD and depression, so yea....

[Anonymous]

Sympathizing with OP.

Once kids are over 18 you cannot make them go for medical/psychological help. So often one of the signs of mental illness is the inability to see they need mental help.

Those who say make them seek help as a condition of staying don't understand it is not as easy as that. You have to be willing to follow through and kick them out to the streets if they don't get the help or it is an empty threat. That is when you are faced with the question: Does the world really need one more mentally unstable homeless person? And if it is your child, can you really live with yourself having put them out on the rough and mean streets when you have the wherewithal to provide shelter and food? I do agree with not providing more than that.

[Anonymous]

While I moved out in my 20s, i'd probably fit this category minus being dependent on my parents. They don't pay my way. But I have zero ambition to become wildly successful. Not because I don't want to be, but because anxiety and self esteem issues related to depression. There's no source for my depression. My parents are great. I also have a very strong work ethic and compassion for others. I want everyone to succeed but I don't seem to be able to create enough momentum for myself. I'm sure therapy would be helpful but the root of it will likely always be there. Some of us have shitty brain chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents are mainly to blame but the dependent adult child often resists therapy for their issue (again, could be severe anxiety, depression, etc). These parents typically refuse to kick their child out due to guilt or fear that the child will harm themselves or others. I know for some of you out there this is laughable, and on some level I get it, but I am really hoping to find referrals to someone who has expertise in this area.

I applaud you for looking for help. I don't find this funny at all. I was one of those "adult children". I was depressed, unemployed and broke. My parents tried to strike that balance between supporting my needs and encouraging me to grow up; however, I was in a state of despair. To this day, my parents have no idea how close I came to ending it all. Fortunately, life took a turn and I found my salvation. I don't know what I would have done in my parents' shoes. I would start out seeing a general therapist for yourself/spouse who should be able to guide you. You may be able to refer your child to one as well.

[Anonymous]

Many of you are making quick decisions to throw the kids out. Wait until you see your own children or friend's children who just can't get it together. Maybe they can't finish school and the biggest excuse I hear is "I don't know what I want to do". Is it depression? I don't know. Maybe a life coach of some sort? These kids definitely don't listen to their parents and could benefit from outside help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for therapists or psychologists with experience counseling adult children who are not independent, and parents who provide them age-inappropriate assistance (shelter, internet access, food, utilities, etc).

Does the young person have a full time job that she or he has held consistently?

[Anonymous]

Haven't heard of this as being a thing. You might just see a therapist for whatever the grown child is struggling with (anxiety, depression, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of you are making quick decisions to throw the kids out. Wait until you see your own children or friend's children who just can't get it together. Maybe they can't finish school and the biggest excuse I hear is "I don't know what I want to do". Is it depression? I don't know. Maybe a life coach of some sort? These kids definitely don't listen to their parents and could benefit from outside help.

Typical of young parents who think teens should be self-sufficient adults because they were already Harvard bound and working at that age

It's not a trend, but it's been labeled in different countries, which makes it easier to track in the news cycle. Every generation has had its share of young adults who can't become independent, but as with other maladies, it has happened more often as countries became wealthier and more educated. It's hard to support another adult when you can't support yourself, and it's easier to throw someone in a very basic trade job when college was never an option to begin with!

I'm the poster with the afflicted nephew. Perfect SAT scores, dropped out of college. High IQ, depression, suicidal, ADHD, Asperger's, sleep problems. They've done the rounds of therapy and psych meds. Throwing him out would NOT be good for him. They've tried a room-mate kind of situation where the room mate kept an eye on him, but roomie ended up acting like a parent too (cooking, shopping, cleaning the apartment). So now he's back home and costs less money, "taking online courses". I hope one day he will win against his demons and become successful and happy, but this has to happen on his own time.

[Anonymous]

To the 11:49 p p -- where does your nephew live? Have his parents applied for Medicaid or disability? Just wondering about how this works after the parents are very old or pass away.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are in DC? You might try Chesapeake, one of their counselors in Rockville works with failure to launch cases.

To the trolls on this thread: grow up and knock it off.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for all the crappy responses on this thread. You might have better luck in the Kids with Special Needs forum. I have an older teen who struggles with LDs, anxiety and depression. I totally understand. We have done various combinations of meds and therapy for years. There is very slow progress, but it feels that we are forever on the verge of it all falling apart.

I have not contacted this program, but find it interesting. If it's not a good fit for your family, maybe they have recommendations. http://www.mythrive.net/_pages/herons_gate/_herons_gate_intro.htm

Another resource is the book Emptying the Nest. The author is a specialist in this area and has a practice in Columbia.
http://www.drbradsachs.com/

While it seems like basic psychology, we have been doing this for many years. Not all psychologists are good. Not all of them are able to establish a rapport with a reluctant adolescent (there are entire books on how difficult this is). It takes a lot of work to get a reluctant adolescent into therapy - you really need to do everything you can to vet them and make reasonably sure they are likely to help or you are only making the resistance more entrenched by having to switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hilarious? Not if you're affected by it.

Check out this link http://therapyevanston.com/2012/09/failure-to-launch/, which reads in part:

Low functioning grown children who are highly dependent on their parents are a growing phenomenon in many parts of the world. In Japan they are called “Hikikomori”, in Italy “Bamboccioni,” in Germany and France “Tanguy Syndrome”, and in England “NEET” (not in employment, education, or training) or “Kippers” (kids in parents pockets eroding retirement savings). In Canada, they are called “Boomerang Children”, in Austria “Mamma”s Hotel Children,” and in South Korea, they are known as “Kangurus.” In the Unites States, we call it the “Full Nest Syndrome” and “ILYA” (incompletely launched young adult).

Dead link. Also it is just shitty parenting, not a disorder.

Interesting. Our friends have a adult son in his early 20s who still lives with them and appears to be in no hurry to make anything of himself. He was diagnosed with ADD when young and with clinical depression after falling on his face when he tried college. His sister, 20, is a star student on a full ride at a well-regarded University; it's fair to describe her as "driven."

Do you think somehow they were shitty parents for the one, but not for the other?

A parent's job is to raise independent functioning adults. They have medicine for ADD and depression, so yea....

So a parent's job is to seek therapy (required for the "medicine" you mention) for their kids, but OP seeking a therapist is pathetic, etc.? Go back under your bridge.

Sorry for the responses OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Parents are in this situation with my brother. He does have a professional job and his own place, but depends on parents for all emotional support and meals, laundry, etc. Insisted on getting an apt only 5 minutes away, and spends every moment not at work at their home bouncing from one mental health crisis to another. He has severe anxiety and depression, no friends, and makes frequent suicide threats. Parents have tried to set boundaries, but it's resulted in him losing jobs (which is the only good thing he has in his life) so they continue to enable. It's easy from the outside to think you have all the answers, but it isn't that simple.

The other adult children in the family are all completely independent and successful, so not so easy to paint this as a "parenting problem."