family drama

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are a controlling person and sounds like you are using guilt trips to get your brothers to do what you want. Sure, it might be sad that they don't care, but people grow apart, and put their nuclear families first. Your SILs and brothers might view you just as they did your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm I am not sure you fully read my post. I said my brothers were weak. They are. If I ever tried to ice my husbands siblings out he would not have it. I wouldn't though because it is rude. Also sad for kids. Also pp you are going on the premise that I had some kind of issue or situation with these women. I have not. I do blame myself because I have been a doormat a long time. I am scratching my head that society says it is normal to have these weird relationships. No one even bats an eye. Distance makes these estrangements hard or easy depending on how you look at it. Anyway I think I received some useful info. Much appreciated.

There you go again. Your brothers are 'icing' you about because of their wives. Riiiiiiiight.

Said the wife who ices out her husband's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are a controlling person and sounds like you are using guilt trips to get your brothers to do what you want. Sure, it might be sad that they don't care, but people grow apart, and put their nuclear families first. Your SILs and brothers might view you just as they did your mother.

Curious-what is a normal family dynamic for you? Do you think families should interact or just the nuclear family? I used to be cavalier myself and then my mom died and I saw how hard it is to keep families together. I never understood when a mom dies and a dad goes off, things change. Usually it is the parents who build these bonds together and create opportunities for the cousins to be together to create their own bonds. When this is gone, families who already has issues tend to fall apart. There is always excuses but really everyone has to be vested. With people living all over now, more and more families fall apart. I don't wish this on anyone, it is hard. I sometimes read DCUM and see so many people writing about the sadness after a parent dies and they realize the fabric that they had. My mom crazy as she was and she was a pain, she got people to be in the same room. When you are in the same room, it is more challenging to just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have come to the conclusion that both my brothers have married wives who want nothing to do with our family. I somewhat understand as my mom was really controlling and had a bad temper. I know that was hard for the wives and we talked about it while my mom was alive. Now she is gone and dad moved on and is not involved really with anyone but his new girlfriend. The irony is these wives have families who have really really big issues so part of me is wondering why the extra drama. Anyway, since my mom is out of the picture (and it is still sad for me as she did have a good side and chaos growing up so I see what happened), I actually thought we would have peace and recover. I should add I was not a problem, I have always been a peacemaker. I have never had bad words with anyone. But..my brothers who live in different areas of the country just are now focused on their wives families. Lots of trips all sorts of things and we are never invited. I have planned vacations and actually paid and they came in the beginning but now there is always an excuse. I see my brothers when they are in town for business but that is it. I am exhausted from trying and have told my brother as such. He just ignores. It really hurts my feelings. By the way, both wives will not answer the phone. They will txt answers back. It is really bizarre. Again I am exhausted. We have kids so I have tried for that but I just don't want to anymore. Anyway else have stuff like this? Yesterday my brother called and talked about coming with one of their kids to our vacation home after xmas. I was actually annoyed. Clearly the wife doesn't want to go and is taking the kids who are actually my kids age somewhere else. Brother didn't think it was rude at all. I am thinking he wanted to take his oldest hunting/fishing on our property. I did calmly put my foot down and say that they were welcome to come for a visit when it worked for everyone. I think he didn't know what to say because I rarely take a stand on anything but I feel like my brothers' should at some point acknowledge this weird stuff. Sorry for the vent but I am still thinking about the call.

Refusing to let your brother come visit is going to make things worse! Way to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have come to the conclusion that both my brothers have married wives who want nothing to do with our family. I somewhat understand as my mom was really controlling and had a bad temper. I know that was hard for the wives and we talked about it while my mom was alive. Now she is gone and dad moved on and is not involved really with anyone but his new girlfriend. The irony is these wives have families who have really really big issues so part of me is wondering why the extra drama. Anyway, since my mom is out of the picture (and it is still sad for me as she did have a good side and chaos growing up so I see what happened), I actually thought we would have peace and recover. I should add I was not a problem, I have always been a peacemaker. I have never had bad words with anyone. But..my brothers who live in different areas of the country just are now focused on their wives families. Lots of trips all sorts of things and we are never invited. I have planned vacations and actually paid and they came in the beginning but now there is always an excuse. I see my brothers when they are in town for business but that is it. I am exhausted from trying and have told my brother as such. He just ignores. It really hurts my feelings. By the way, both wives will not answer the phone. They will txt answers back. It is really bizarre. Again I am exhausted. We have kids so I have tried for that but I just don't want to anymore. Anyway else have stuff like this? Yesterday my brother called and talked about coming with one of their kids to our vacation home after xmas. I was actually annoyed. Clearly the wife doesn't want to go and is taking the kids who are actually my kids age somewhere else. Brother didn't think it was rude at all. I am thinking he wanted to take his oldest hunting/fishing on our property. I did calmly put my foot down and say that they were welcome to come for a visit when it worked for everyone. I think he didn't know what to say because I rarely take a stand on anything but I feel like my brothers' should at some point acknowledge this weird stuff. Sorry for the vent but I am still thinking about the call.

You shouldn't "somewhat understand", you should completely understand and that means you understand that forcing them into a relationship aka your peacemaker role was wrong and shitty. Why ever would you encourage people to be in an abusive relationship? Your mother did not love you better or best for it. She was likely incapable of loving any of you as her kids like she should have.

Your brothers and SILs were probably relieved and happy to be free of the drama of your mom and just see you as mini-mom and have no desire to get sucked back in.

If you DH guilts you into a relationship with his family no matter the cost, that is a you problem.

If you don't take a step back now and stop and work on yourself, you will take the same path as your mom with your own kids and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

My communication is mainly with my brothers, NOT with any of the SIL. Two of them demand from my brothers a lot. And according to my brothers, the wives don't even spend more than 1 hour with their kids. Both parents work. One SIL works on the weekend and my brother watches the two kids practically 12 hour on Sat & Sun.

And it's true, no one to blame except my brothers. Those SIL constantly complain about my brothers. I think I know their personality well enough to say, what?

[Anonymous]

Why are your SILs responsible for maintaining the relationship(s). What's wrong with your brothers?

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. You complain about your SILs, how controlling they are, how weak your brothers are and how you want to see them more. Yet, when one of your brothers wants to visit with his son, you refuse because his whole family isn't coming - and your hospitality has been abused in the past. You want more contact with them but communicating by text isn't sufficient, you want a phone call. Seems like it's your way or no way.

Your refusal to allow your brother and his son to come is likely the death knell of a continued relationship of any kind.

[Anonymous]

I agree it is the death and I am coming to terms. As I stated this isn't a visit. It is my brother taking his older son to go hunting. It is hurtful that his wife is rude to me but it is what it is. I am moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it is the death and I am coming to terms. As I stated this isn't a visit. It is my brother taking his older son to go hunting. It is hurtful that his wife is rude to me but it is what it is. I am moving on.

If your communication is with your brothers, in what way is your SIL rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are a controlling person and sounds like you are using guilt trips to get your brothers to do what you want. Sure, it might be sad that they don't care, but people grow apart, and put their nuclear families first. Your SILs and brothers might view you just as they did your mother.

Curious-what is a normal family dynamic for you? Do you think families should interact or just the nuclear family? I used to be cavalier myself and then my mom died and I saw how hard it is to keep families together. I never understood when a mom dies and a dad goes off, things change. Usually it is the parents who build these bonds together and create opportunities for the cousins to be together to create their own bonds. When this is gone, families who already has issues tend to fall apart. There is always excuses but really everyone has to be vested. With people living all over now, more and more families fall apart. I don't wish this on anyone, it is hard. I sometimes read DCUM and see so many people writing about the sadness after a parent dies and they realize the fabric that they had. My mom crazy as she was and she was a pain, she got people to be in the same room. When you are in the same room, it is more challenging to just ignore.

I am in such a family and I also was like you the first few years after both or parents had passed. But I came to realize that I was trying to achieve a vision of what a family should be and that maybe the best thing to do was to let all of us go our separate ways for a while.

So I did and stopped trying to force the issue. We were cordial but rarely saw each other over a 10 year span - Christmas cards and occasional emails and phone calls. We eventually started getting together and now we do plan to see each other regularly - at least once a year - and keep up on social media.

Looking back, there was just a lot of anger and resentment built up over the years and it was a relief when both our parents were gone and I can see now that we all needed to build our own adult identities separate from the burden of our parents specifically our controlling and guilt inducing mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are your SILs responsible for maintaining the relationship(s). What's wrong with your brothers?

Sounds like there wasn't actually a relationship to maintain in the first place. OP was busy enabling the MIL From Hell and now that she's out of the picture, siblings want nothing to do with her. And she thinks she's owed a relationship and should be considered family just because, as she repeatedly says, she's never said something nasty to them directly.

OP, here's a newsflash: to have a friend, you need to be a friend. The siblings could have used your help back when they were dealing with your mother, who they likely felt a tiny bit of obligation towards since she birthed their husbands. But since you made it clear that their battles were their own battles, and that you weren't getting into it because you prefer to be "the peacekeeper" and not call out behavior when you see it, they decided that they don't owe you anything. And I agree with them.

They were all relieved when your mother passed away, since they felt that they could finally move on with their lives without toxic people who treat them like crap and think they can get away with it because they're "family". They don't want anything to do with you.

See it as a learning experience: When you allow other people to be treated like crap and say nothing, those people won't want you around later when they could spend time with real friends who have respect for them. AKA you reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are a controlling person and sounds like you are using guilt trips to get your brothers to do what you want. Sure, it might be sad that they don't care, but people grow apart, and put their nuclear families first. Your SILs and brothers might view you just as they did your mother.

Curious-what is a normal family dynamic for you? Do you think families should interact or just the nuclear family? I used to be cavalier myself and then my mom died and I saw how hard it is to keep families together. I never understood when a mom dies and a dad goes off, things change. Usually it is the parents who build these bonds together and create opportunities for the cousins to be together to create their own bonds. When this is gone, families who already has issues tend to fall apart. There is always excuses but really everyone has to be vested. With people living all over now, more and more families fall apart. I don't wish this on anyone, it is hard. I sometimes read DCUM and see so many people writing about the sadness after a parent dies and they realize the fabric that they had. My mom crazy as she was and she was a pain, she got people to be in the same room. When you are in the same room, it is more challenging to just ignore.

I am in such a family and I also was like you the first few years after both or parents had passed. But I came to realize that I was trying to achieve a vision of what a family should be and that maybe the best thing to do was to let all of us go our separate ways for a while.

So I did and stopped trying to force the issue. We were cordial but rarely saw each other over a 10 year span - Christmas cards and occasional emails and phone calls. We eventually started getting together and now we do plan to see each other regularly - at least once a year - and keep up on social media.

Looking back, there was just a lot of anger and resentment built up over the years and it was a relief when both our parents were gone and I can see now that we all needed to build our own adult identities separate from the burden of our parents specifically our controlling and guilt inducing mother.


This is excellent advice. There are lots of layers to our family. For the record I never enabled my mom or anything close. I always stuck up for my SIls and through and through. I am somewhat offended that this poster constantly I intimates that I either allowed my mom to say mean things or acted in anyway controlling. I originally brought this up because I am realizing what a punching bag I have been and I am done. The free ride is over. I blame both my brothers and their wives (plural). I hope at some point we can have a relationship that meets in the middle. If not I am developing the tools to move on. I realize other posters have been through this but God bless it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My communication is mainly with my brothers, NOT with any of the SIL. Two of them demand from my brothers a lot. And according to my brothers, the wives don't even spend more than 1 hour with their kids. Both parents work. One SIL works on the weekend and my brother watches the two kids practically 12 hour on Sat & Sun.

And it's true, no one to blame except my brothers. Those SIL constantly complain about my brothers. I think I know their personality well enough to say, what?

OP you're showing your hateful feelings. Have you truly never been mean to your SILs? I think you should tell the SILS how you feel. They deserve to know so you never get another chance to see their family.

[Anonymous]

I think you should not have turned away your brother. That was bizarre. SO the whole family cant come.. Big deal. Maybe SIL doesnt want to see you but your brother does and that was the compromise. Very weird, controlling reaction on your part.