Dating scene for a 40 yr. old divorced mom

[Anonymous]

For the PP (there were several) who realized it was too soon to date after X amount of time, or felt emotionally empty inside, etc. Do you think that will change over time, such that you may desire a relationship again? Just wondering what it's like in the trenches. I am contemplating divorce, the marriage itself is long-dead, it's a matter of me feeling financially and logistically I can pull it off, and then emotionally, ripping off the band-aid. I'm not in love now, but hope someday, I might be. And I don't expect to feel "ready" to try for a while (1,2, maybe 5 years!) Lots of emotional baggage to work through, 2 young elementary school kids. But I do yearn for the partnership, friendship, companionship I never had with my marriage. I'm afraid to start again knowing what I would want (eventually) is tall order. Maybe I'll find life on the other side, I won't want that anymore. But do you think about remarrying? Or finding a forever-mate (maybe no marriage, but lifelong partner?) Is that too much too ask for a 40-something divorced woman with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an early 40s female, separated since last May. There is a part of me that would love to go out and have some fun. However I was at a store the other day and saw this nice looking man checking me out. He seemed to be waiting for some hint that it was ok to approach me. I started to panic and almost wanted to bolt = def. not ready to date

I've had this happen too. At the grocery store. I pretty much hid until I saw him leaving. I'm such a wuss. He was a really good looking guy, too. As much a as I loathe the idea of online dating and say how much I'd love to meet someone in real life, when given an opportunity I panic!

I'm the PP who met a nice guy at my DS soccer game. I had the same first instinct but since I couldn't run and hide from the game I stayed and I'm glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an early 40s female, separated since last May. There is a part of me that would love to go out and have some fun. However I was at a store the other day and saw this nice looking man checking me out. He seemed to be waiting for some hint that it was ok to approach me. I started to panic and almost wanted to bolt = def. not ready to date

I've had this happen too. At the grocery store. I pretty much hid until I saw him leaving. I'm such a wuss. He was a really good looking guy, too. As much a as I loathe the idea of online dating and say how much I'd love to meet someone in real life, when given an opportunity I panic!

Glad I am not the only one. It is almost pathetic that I feel this way as a fully grown woman. I really need to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the PP (there were several) who realized it was too soon to date after X amount of time, or felt emotionally empty inside, etc. Do you think that will change over time, such that you may desire a relationship again? Just wondering what it's like in the trenches. I am contemplating divorce, the marriage itself is long-dead, it's a matter of me feeling financially and logistically I can pull it off, and then emotionally, ripping off the band-aid. I'm not in love now, but hope someday, I might be. And I don't expect to feel "ready" to try for a while (1,2, maybe 5 years!) Lots of emotional baggage to work through, 2 young elementary school kids. But I do yearn for the partnership, friendship, companionship I never had with my marriage. I'm afraid to start again knowing what I would want (eventually) is tall order. Maybe I'll find life on the other side, I won't want that anymore. But do you think about remarrying? Or finding a forever-mate (maybe no marriage, but lifelong partner?) Is that too much too ask for a 40-something divorced woman with kids?

I'm 3 yrs out and just starting to date. I've met some nice people but no one that I spark with. One of the guys has become a close friend. I enjoy his company a lot but I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I think about remarrying but truthfully the logistics of it seem overwhelming. Assume both people have kids and real estate, it's just as simple as two single people getting together. I keep my dating life separate from my kids. That limits the time you can spend with someone. People on DCUM will have you believe you have to be having sec by the 3rd date or there is something wrong with you. I need more time to get to know someone before I'll sleep with them.

I think eventually I'll find someone to spend the second half of my life with but not until the kids are grown and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the PP (there were several) who realized it was too soon to date after X amount of time, or felt emotionally empty inside, etc. Do you think that will change over time, such that you may desire a relationship again? Just wondering what it's like in the trenches. I am contemplating divorce, the marriage itself is long-dead, it's a matter of me feeling financially and logistically I can pull it off, and then emotionally, ripping off the band-aid. I'm not in love now, but hope someday, I might be. And I don't expect to feel "ready" to try for a while (1,2, maybe 5 years!) Lots of emotional baggage to work through, 2 young elementary school kids. But I do yearn for the partnership, friendship, companionship I never had with my marriage. I'm afraid to start again knowing what I would want (eventually) is tall order. Maybe I'll find life on the other side, I won't want that anymore. But do you think about remarrying? Or finding a forever-mate (maybe no marriage, but lifelong partner?) Is that too much too ask for a 40-something divorced woman with kids?

It would be great to find someone like you describe. I will say it maybe easier to fix what you have ? Divorce has such a big impact on everyone and the part that does suck is that you have to see your ex regardless. But I realize that is not always an option

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the PP (there were several) who realized it was too soon to date after X amount of time, or felt emotionally empty inside, etc. Do you think that will change over time, such that you may desire a relationship again? Just wondering what it's like in the trenches. I am contemplating divorce, the marriage itself is long-dead, it's a matter of me feeling financially and logistically I can pull it off, and then emotionally, ripping off the band-aid. I'm not in love now, but hope someday, I might be. And I don't expect to feel "ready" to try for a while (1,2, maybe 5 years!) Lots of emotional baggage to work through, 2 young elementary school kids. But I do yearn for the partnership, friendship, companionship I never had with my marriage. I'm afraid to start again knowing what I would want (eventually) is tall order. Maybe I'll find life on the other side, I won't want that anymore. But do you think about remarrying? Or finding a forever-mate (maybe no marriage, but lifelong partner?) Is that too much too ask for a 40-something divorced woman with kids?

One of the PP's here who is taking some time to heal and isn't ready for anything serious- I absolutely know I want to be and will be in a loving, caring relationship with someone I have an emotional attachment with eventually. I'm just not ready for that yet. I think recognizing that is really important. When my ex moved out I was absolutely convinced that no one would ever love me again or find me attractive and that I was going to be alone forever. Convinced! When you're in that situation and you're at the most vulnerable place you've ever been in your life you notice all of your flaws and convince yourself that you're a horrible ogre that isn't worthy of love. (At least I did, for a short period of time). I slowly worked through that and have rebuilt my self esteem to a place where I now know my true self and my value. I'm spending time reflecting on what happened to the marriage, my role in its demise and what I would do differently in the future. It's so sad that these lessons couldn't have been learned before it was too late (on both sides, my ex was equally to blame). And for the PP who suggested that saving the marriage was the answer, a lot of times we just don't have the option-you absolutely can't control what the other person wants.

I do intend to find another companion and partner when I'm ready. And given my experience in the dating world I don't think it's going to be as difficult as I'd initially thought. I truly doubt I'll ever get married again. My kids are in high school and will be out of the house soon. My finances are secure. I see no reason to ever remarry but I guess I'm not totally opposed to the idea? No idea what that future will bring. But back to the original question, yes I absolutely know that I will desire a relationship again. I just need to be in a place where I'm healthy enough for it to succeed.

[Anonymous]

People on DCUM will have you believe you have to be having sec by the 3rd date or there is something wrong with you

No, that is not my impression of this site. But I would advise people who are older and stuck single to do what worked when they were 25, and guess what led to marriage for me back then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People on DCUM will have you believe you have to be having sec by the 3rd date or there is something wrong with you

No, that is not my impression of this site. But I would advise people who are older and stuck single to do what worked when they were 25, and guess what led to marriage for me back then?

For me, sex by the third date leads to spending time with and bonding to guys who are not life compatible. Also, when sex-bonded, I tend not to notice or care as much about differences that actually auger for terrible relationships.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the messages, but ... do you really think 40+ woman is old? I remember my mom at the age of 40 and she was very attractive, very smart and interesting woman. And yep, she was divorced and she had me She is happily married now to a younger guy, for more than 10 years already.
As far as I am concerned, there are special dating services for 40+ people, check http://www.maturedating.com/ , seems like not bad at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the messages, but ... do you really think 40+ woman is old? I remember my mom at the age of 40 and she was very attractive, very smart and interesting woman. And yep, she was divorced and she had me She is happily married now to a younger guy, for more than 10 years already.
As far as I am concerned, there are special dating services for 40+ people, check http://www.maturedating.com/ , seems like not bad at all.

Too old? There are people in their 70s who get married. Love isn't reserved for the young.

[Anonymous]

People as old as 80 are dating. I think census says DC-VA-MD-WV only 43% males are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take breaks because it gets tiring. Lots of people to date but they all come with various forms of unavailability. My advice is to approach it like a marathon.

Poor baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People on DCUM will have you believe you have to be having sec by the 3rd date or there is something wrong with you

No, that is not my impression of this site. But I would advise people who are older and stuck single to do what worked when they were 25, and guess what led to marriage for me back then?

For me, sex by the third date leads to spending time with and bonding to guys who are not life compatible. Also, when sex-bonded, I tend not to notice or care as much about differences that actually auger for terrible relationships.

If we're not f4cking by the third date, I'm moving on to better uses of my time.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not entitled to have sex with you on the first night. But if we're not having sex by the third date: find someone else's time to waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People on DCUM will have you believe you have to be having sec by the 3rd date or there is something wrong with you

No, that is not my impression of this site. But I would advise people who are older and stuck single to do what worked when they were 25, and guess what led to marriage for me back then?

For me, sex by the third date leads to spending time with and bonding to guys who are not life compatible. Also, when sex-bonded, I tend not to notice or care as much about differences that actually auger for terrible relationships.

If we're not f4cking by the third date, I'm moving on to better uses of my time.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not entitled to have sex with you on the first night. But if we're not having sex by the third date: find someone else's time to waste.

Haha, WOW. Okay, have a nice life.

[Anonymous]

I was enjoying this thread when I realized I was in an alternate universe!
The OP, and most of the women with positive responses, are likely white women dating white men.
Your stories would be different if you were AA women looking to date AA men.
The dating pool for AA women is much different as there is a much smaller pool. Unfortunately, our men have disproportionally denied opportunities, imprisoned, killed at early ages, etc. to the point where there is something like 10 women to 1 (not exactly, but close).
It's a different world no this side of the dating scene.

...Just thought that should be clarified here since it had not been mentioned yet.