Husband won't back me up, it seems, ever...
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Anonymous
| You need better communication with your husband and more boundaries with your ILs. If your husband can't get on same page then separate from him. The ILs will never change, plan accordingly. |
Anonymous
| Leave him. I had to do the same to my husband over my issues with his family. When I left it woke him up immediately that I was not going to put up with drama and craziness from them. Once our separation ended we went into marriage counseling which helped a lot also. |
Anonymous
| Couples therapy. If he refuses, therapy for you so you can figure out either coping mechanisms or decide if it's time to move on. Life is short and these people aren't going away. |
Anonymous
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Create more boundaries and set things up to minimize your time around ILs. For child's birthday, 'DH, you are welcome to invite your family. I am handling the rest of the details.' Then you invite a few of your friends that you are close to and hang with them. Also, set up at time each week or month that DH takes kids to see ILs without you, this could be a lunch, breakfast, visit to park, etc... This is your time to do what you want without dealing with their BS.
As for divorce, do you love your husband? Is your relationship worth fighting for? The grass may not be greener on the other side. Demand change by not whining or fighting about it, but by creating a new normal to not deal with them. Keep yourself out of the line of fire and don't engage with them. This may reduce your stress about the situation and give you more freedom for a few hours a week or month. |
Anonymous
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This was my marriage, too, but it's much better now. First, we got away and set up boundaries with BOTH sides of the family, so that it's much easier and fairer. We don't stay with EITHER side of the family -- if we visit, we get a hotel. We don't rely on either side providing a car, we always bring our own. If either person leaves for whatever reason, we both leave (in other words, if I had to leave to use the restroom, our whole family would pack up, no matter who's family we were visiting). Marriage comes first, everything else comes second. IF I decide that I can't handle his mom at a birthday party, MY mom doesn't get an invite either. It's a bit extreme, but it's made it easier for him and me. I wasn't realizing how annoying and stressful he was viewing my family, so he didn't understand why I was getting so upset over his family.
It's weird, so don't judge, but we also don't leave each other's side at events. If I have to use a bathroom (or if he does), we wait outside the bathroom. We stick together. We do still go to these stressful events, but we minimized them, mostly by eliminating our own events. Birthday parties for every year -- nope! We do a special immediate-family only (no inlaws) dinner and birthday parties for special birthdays only. Families don't expected to be invited to playdates, so we just do more of those. And, we don't go to other people's kids' birthday parties either. Too much stress. So, besides weddings and funerals, we are basically family-events free. We were near divorce (from what I perceived to be MIL and FIL's intention to split us up, but it could have been unintentionally causing fights) and now, we have the strongest marriage of anyone in that high-stress drama-causing family. When we visit at the "big" events, we hear all their stories, and it's like viewing it from afar now without being in midst of it. |
Anonymous
| You don't have a husband. You have a roommate who isn't able to think for himself. Why waste your life with such a person? |
Anonymous
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I went to a psychologist/counselor (by myself) yesterday. She seemed to think my husband has "dissociation". I've never been told this before. I told her that he almost has no recollection of previous bad events. It's like they didn't happen to him. He will say at the time that so-and-so was acting like a jerk, and then a week later will ask why I'm not inviting them over. When I ask him if he remembers the event, he acts like he has a vague recollection.
She said she feels like he not only doesn't have tools to deal with his family's drama, but that he can't, because if he dissociates, he hasn't learned strategies to deal with things. |
Anonymous
I thought it was unethical for therapists to diagnose people they're not treating... |
Anonymous
| I wonder if it is..... |
Anonymous
| I don't know if you really need to divorce him, but you're way too enmeshed in the family dynamics. If he's not the one planning the party, he's not the one who gets to decide who to invite. Let him do all the planning if he wants to determine who gets to come. The ILs don't have to attend every party. How far away do they live? You don't have to spend all your free time with them. Don't do anything to encourage the relationship with your ILs. Get your own life outside of your husband and his family. Then if you do ever divorce him, you will have built another support system. Your DH is a product of his upbringing. Try to be independent from all of them and see if you are happier. Once you are happier, your marriage might improve. |
Anonymous
| Op, your DH sounds like a momma's boy. Google it. |
Anonymous
| He seems different from a mamas boy! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
AND nothing you do will ever be enough. I'm sorry, I go through this to a certain degree with my in-laws. My MIL is a compensatory narcissist of the highest order and it drives me crazy. |
Anonymous
| Are you all American? I'm just curious if this is a cultural thing. |