Husband won't back me up, it seems, ever...
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Anonymous
As usual, it's not an IL problem, it's a DH problem. Sure, your ILs are ridiculous and unbearable, but the real problem is that your DH goes along with it and doesn't stand up for you. |
Anonymous
| We can't grow your spine for you, OP. You need to do that yourself. People will walk all over you until you stop them. Wake up. |
Anonymous
| Yes, it is a DH problem for sure! He is totally in denial. And it is crazy making. It makes me wonder if I am the one who is nuts. He asks me to invite them over after they have said they could call CPS in my home (for a really ridiculous thing) and not let me use the bathroom. But then he says "why aren't you inviting them over?" and I wonder if I am a spiteful, horrible person who cannot forgive...or if I am a smart person who has finally realized these people are completely toxic. |
Anonymous
|
I don't understand why you just don't say no. The second he asks you about your tells you about his family, cut him off and tell him that you will not listen, don't want to hear, or whatever.
You are allowing this. Take responsibility for your own well being. Treat your in laws like they were strangers. Do not subject yourself or your sanity to anything they say or do. |
Anonymous
| He says to me "they are YOUR family, too!" I tell him, "no, they AREN'T my family"....they are people I am related to by marriage. |
Anonymous
Either your DH is deep in denial, or he's gaslighting you. |
Anonymous
I see you still don't have anything useful to say. |
Anonymous
| I believe it's gaslighting. |
Anonymous
See, that's where you are making your mistake. Don't engage. When he says they are your family too, you should have already walked away after your "I don't want to hear it" or "no, I haven't invited them" If he follows you and insists you invite, you have control over what you do our not do. Say, I am not inviting them. Period. Walk away. He wants them, he invites them. Bottom line. I never understand women who feel like they must do as they are told or don't think they are the ONLY ones who chose to do something. OP, hear this: You control what you do, what you feel, and who you let bother you. Only you. No one else. You decide that you will no longer engage with DH about his family. Don't go to his family ev egg nts, and more importantly, don't let your in laws determine who you are. Let them play their games. If you completely ignore it, they will be the ones that will be all in a huff and you'll be at peace. When your DH says what did you do to dad? Respond with i did not do anything wrong. I will not discuss with you. And just repeat over and over and over again. Your DH will get frustrated and eventually so along you. |
Anonymous
So, don't invite them. Stop talking to them on the phone, texting, Facebook, etc. For a bday party I would let him invite them and then just ignore them the whole time. If he invites them over for a random lunch or something then I would just leave the house. |
Anonymous
+1 What do you say when your husband asks you to invite them? Do you go along with it? You need to stand up to your DH and not play along with his denial/gaslighting. |
Anonymous
| I tell him no, but get angry and waste all of my energy being angry he would even THINK to ask this of me and even more energy trying to explain to him how off his is to think of me as someone who would do such a thing. |
Anonymous
| Here's something to think about, OP. Your husband is just like his family. He is one of them. That's why he doesn't act different. He and they are not going to change. So what can you do here? Maybe you need to get out or accept that you live with the enemy, and build enormous boundaries and stop expecting him to change. |
Anonymous
| Going to war with husband's family is not smart. Try being a peacemaker. |
Anonymous
| A peacemaker is going to make me sick over the long run. |