Is it selfish to tell dw about an affair?

[Anonymous]

You've already been selfish, don't make it worse. Take it to the grave and let her live happily.

Get into therapy if you need to talk with someone about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never tell her, you selfish SOB. Take it to your grave. I had an affair 8 years ago. No one found out. We are happy. Should I tell her now? Of course not and neither should you.

The only thing more selfish than having an affair is running your spouse's nose in it for no reason than to unload your own guilt. Sheesh

Are you sure she's happy and didn't know? My mom always suspected but didn't really figure it all out to her 60's. She finally dumped my cheating dad. I love my dad very much but he's miserable and lonely and my mom is much happier with a better partner who really commits to her. You are selfish for having an affair. For keeping it a secret and pretending everything is ok when its not. You are a horrible person and need to be honest. How would you want your daughters treated?

[Anonymous]

She deserves to know the truth about her life and has the right to make an informed choice about you. The only ethical, respectful thing to do is to come clean. You don't have the right to keep this from her nor to reap the benefits of your selfish choice by keeping her in the dark.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't going to break the news over Christmas dinner. Yes I've gotten a complete screening for STDs and I'm clean.

[Anonymous]

Go tell your therapist. Therapists are paid to listen to your problems. And work with the therapist on the reasons why you did it, and to eliminate your personal weakness.

This. Get thee to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean a marriage counselor or a psychiatrist/psychologist?

[Anonymous]

Could your marriage vows, if any, provide guidance?

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at the responses here. The affair is selfish, getting off without consequences is selfish. Confessing gives the spouse power to choose what to do, that isn't selfish. It's loving. You people are so messed up n

[Anonymous]

Yes it is selfish. Zip it.

If she asks don't lie. But don't volunteer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the responses here. The affair is selfish, getting off without consequences is selfish. Confessing gives the spouse power to choose what to do, that isn't selfish. It's loving. You people are so messed up n

It depends on where the confession is coming from. It is entirely possible to confess from selfish motives. Not at all convinced that any confession from OP would be coming from the right place.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know. It would be far worse for me to find out otherwise. I'm far more likely to stay if it's divulged by my husband. But I value honest feedback and see it as a chance to improve things. Only you know your wife.

[Anonymous]

Another cheated on wife here. Tell her. She deserves to know the truth and make an informed decision. You say you will never do it again, but why do you get to make that risk assessment for her. She should know what life she is having. Continuing the lie is so disrespectful and if she learns later on her own, it will be so much worse.

Also, take a good looking look at yourself. Beyond just being weak for doing this. Are you blaming her for most of the problems in your relationship? If so, you should reexamine that, and you should both address marital issues together. She may have valuable insights she could share.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW and posted almost this same question a few months back on DCUM and I got completely different responses. The majority of people were telling me that I needed to tell my DH. The over all conclusion was that it was only fair to tell my DH, so that he could be aware of the betrayal and could make a decision on weather or not it was something he wanted to forgive. I was also told that you can't have a solid marriage based on lies, so in order to create a good foundation going forward, I would need to come clean. I did end up telling my DH and he was of course upset, but ultimately decided he wanted to try and work through it and move forward with building trust. If you do decided to tell, I would wait until after the Holidays. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

If my DW had an affair but I didn't find out I would be royally kissed if she told me. Because now I have to live with either a broken home for our kids or the bullshit of knowing she cheated.

Just be a better wife and move on.

[Anonymous]

This is why women should be okay with their hubbies looking at porn. Men are horny...all the time. I'd rather him take care of himself than get an AP.