If your mother restricted your food intake

[Anonymous]

My mom never said a word to me about my weight or my body. Not once. But I would always see her looking at herself in the mirror, turning from side to side, asking my father, "Does this make me look fat?" She was always very thin. I watched as she ate very little dinner, chain smoked to keep her appetite down, and chugged gallons of diet coke. She never exercised. But she was thin and it was clear that was very important to her. She died of colon cancer in her early 50s. I firmly believe that her poor diet, lack of exercise and smoking had a lot to do with it.

I grew up being very aware of my size. I was never fat, not even close. I played sports my entire life and was always slightly curvy and athletic. But I never felt skinny. Once my mom was diagnosed, the importance of a well-balanced diet and exercise really hit home. I still struggle a little with body image even though I'm still an average size. Some days I have to remind myself that skinny does not equal healthy, and my not-so-perfect body has done a lot of awesome things.

As a parent, I am trying very hard not to scrutinize my body in the mirror and to model good eating and exercise habits without making a big deal out of it. It's amazing what kids pick up on even when you don't say a word.

[Anonymous]

My mother doesn't eat real food -- like meat, potatoes, dairy products, vegetables, fruit.
She skips meals, drinks lots of black coffee and then occasionally eats three donuts or an entire box of sugary cereal. She has osteoporosis , really dry skin and hair and some kind of weird vitamin deficiency where her fingernails curl up -- but she's thin! So therefore she has the answer to the obesity epidemic! Everyone should starve themselves until they're about to pass out and then eat a box of sugary cereal!

One year she bought me a scale for Christmas and forced me to weigh myself in the living room in front of all of the relatives who had come to our house for Christmas, and then commented all day on how fat I was! She sent me a subscription to Weight Watchers magazine when I lived in a group house with a bunch of other people,l which I found mortifying and shameful.

I'm now in a twelve step program for food addicted people slowly undoing the years of horrible messages I got about food growing up. I've lost fifty pounds since this summer. At Thanksgiving she literally said nothing to me. If she's not fat-shaming me, apparently we have nothing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

My mother constantly made comments about my body and weight even when I was at a healthy weight. When I was in treatment for bulimia and was underweight enough that I stopped menstruating and was randomly passing out she said "if you just lost 5 more pounds you'd be so beautiful". She's a sick bitch and I have no contact with her now.

I still struggle with my relationship with food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing, except that it confirms that my mother is a hyper-anxious, micromanaging, control freak who holds disturbing views on the human body - everybody should be rail thin - and on life in general.

Every chance she gets she tells my DD that she's going to be obese if she doesn't stop gorging. Started telling her that when DD was THREE. That's because DD is the only one in the family who is actually in the normal weight range. The rest of us are all slightly underweight, which is considered borderline fat for my mother, who is very underweight. Anyway, I won't bore you with my family's crazies. That's just the tip of the iceberg

You realize that this means you are letting your mother say horrible, hurtful things to your child. I completely understand how hard it is to deal with family members with mental health issues, but your responsibility is to protect your child.

My husband and I are not "letting" her say these things. DD is now 6 and knows her grandmother well enough by now to let it roll off her back, just like I did when I was little.

As I said, it's the tip of the iceberg. There was a time when we were ready to cut off my mother entirely, for different issues. We have found a way to keep her in our lives. Some remarks now and then are not going to kill any of our self-esteem. I am proof of that - lived 19 years with my mother, without the benefit of anybody defending me.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was a fat baby, a fat kid-the only fat sibling out of 4 despite being put on diets by my mom--and now am a fat adult. The only time I have been a normal weight was in college and my early 20s, when I had an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My naturally thin mom was not happy when I plumped up in elementary school. I can remember not being allowed to eat the same thing twice in one day, like an apple. She was always very aware of what she ate and often limited foods.
It runs in her family though. My grandmother, her mom, has always been the same way. as have my mom's sisters.
When I became scary skinny in my 20's my grandma said that now I "look like an ______ (insert her family name there)." Like one of them.

Whatever. They're all skinny fat, so not exactly healthy. My mom is thin but would probably pass out trying to run a mile.

Where did that leave me? Always aware of my weight, which is now healthy. Always cognizant of what I eat. But thanks to my father's later health scares I decided to focus more on physical fitness. I would never say a word around my kids, except to make healthy choices.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It's on my mind a lot. My mother was quite obese and only made good comments about my body. However, my father made negative comments about my weight many times. I try to strike a healthy balance with my daughter, but it's a struggle.

I also have a friend who put her (4 year old) daughter on gluten free diet to keep her weight down. D hasn't gained weight but also hasn't grown. I am worried but I don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It's on my mind a lot. My mother was quite obese and only made good comments about my body. However, my father made negative comments about my weight many times. I try to strike a healthy balance with my daughter, but it's a struggle.

I also have a friend who put her (4 year old) daughter on gluten free diet to keep her weight down. D hasn't gained weight but also hasn't grown. I am worried but I don't know what to say.

Your friend is stunning her child's growth! It makes me sick to hear this. As a parent of seriously underweight kid, who had to see nutritionist to gain weight, I can honestly tell you that there is a correlation between vertical growth and food intake. My DC was underweight and below 1% percentile in height, not because of me, because he just couldn't gain weight, as soon as he put on weight he grew in height. Does she want to have a child with growth delay and very short stature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It's on my mind a lot. My mother was quite obese and only made good comments about my body. However, my father made negative comments about my weight many times. I try to strike a healthy balance with my daughter, but it's a struggle.

I also have a friend who put her (4 year old) daughter on gluten free diet to keep her weight down. D hasn't gained weight but also hasn't grown. I am worried but I don't know what to say.

Your friend is stunning her child's growth! It makes me sick to hear this. As a parent of seriously underweight kid, who had to see nutritionist to gain weight, I can honestly tell you that there is a correlation between vertical growth and food intake. My DC was underweight and below 1% percentile in height, not because of me, because he just couldn't gain weight, as soon as he put on weight he grew in height. Does she want to have a child with growth delay and very short stature?

^^Stunting

[Anonymous]

OP, do you count talking about healthy food choices as "restricting"? The reason I ask is that my parents did what hear people say you should do now: Never, ever said a thing about weight or food choices. Kept unhealthy food around the house, although our food was mostly homemade and we did eat family dinners. Didn't talk about composition of healthy food, didn't talk about proteins, nutrients, etc. My father was normal weight. My mom was an overweight binge eater.

I was obese by high school and struggled terribly. I had to learn the basics of nutrition on my own when I was in my 20s. Weight has been an issue for my entire life. It took me nearly 15 years to learn how to eat healthfully for my body. It was only in my mid-30s that I finally got a grip on healthy eating habits and have maintained a healthy weight for years, and it's still a major task and very difficult for me. My siblings and I all struggled.

You can bet that I talk with my kids about healthy choices and in particular how access to cheap foods and sugars will make your body want to make bad choices. I talk to them a lot about the addicting aspects of sugars, about how you have a lot less free choice with respect to food than people want to believe, and how physical activity is critical. I think the "never say a word" approach is idiotic in today's food environment. I lived that with my parents and it is as unhealthy as talk about diets and restrictions.

That having been said I never, ever talk about people being fat or overweight as a negative. In fact, I talk about how you can be a healthy fat person and they shouldn't make assumptions about health based on body size. I talk about food as fuel and the composition of food. I also talk about portion sizes. I don't keep unhealthy food out of the house.

I wasn't sure what you classified as "restricting," but having lived the "never talk about it, never say a word" life, I would never pick that approach.

[Anonymous]

My mom didn't restrict my food intake per se, but she made comments about my body, and the general environment I grew up with caused me a great deal of insecurity. I remember being too embarrassed to eat in front of people at a very young age, we are taking first grade. I would wait until everyone left the table, and then I would eat.

My dad lives in another state, and when I would return from visiting him for a month or two over the summer, she would always make comments about how I had gained weight. Not innocent, "wow you really had a normal childhood growth spurt this summer" but more along the lines of, "you looked like you gained some weight" with a disapproving tone.

I wasn't overweight then, but have been ever since I hit puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so afraid of being this parent, because I have my own issues with food.

Both my girls - 2 and 4 - have bellies. I remind myself it's normal and that they are healthy. I work hard to keep them active and use a lot of positive language around being active. I talk about mommy and daddy exercising in terms of taking care of their bodies and getting stronger. I do not talk about weight in front of the kids. I try to talk about food as energy, to provide healthy, non processed options. I do discourage seconds of meals by asking the 4yr old to wait a set period of time before eating again 'to let the food travel from your mouth to your belly so you know if you are really hungry.'

I'm not perfect, but I am trying very hard to present a functional, healthy relationship with food and exercise to my kids so they can do better than I have.

I don't think you should discourage seconds for a healthy 4 year old. A healthy 4 year old will stop when they aren't hungry anymore on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not my mom, but my dad. Relentless and cruel. I ended up topping out at 380 lbs. lost 100 lbs through sheer will and have kept that off but obviously still overweight. Was proud of my efforts until a nurse in labor triage started berating me about "making healthier choices". Lady, you don't get to be my size just due to poor choices. But thanks for negating all my hard work during a vulnerable time.

hope you complained!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother doesn't eat real food -- like meat, potatoes, dairy products, vegetables, fruit.
She skips meals, drinks lots of black coffee and then occasionally eats three donuts or an entire box of sugary cereal. She has osteoporosis , really dry skin and hair and some kind of weird vitamin deficiency where her fingernails curl up -- but she's thin! So therefore she has the answer to the obesity epidemic! Everyone should starve themselves until they're about to pass out and then eat a box of sugary cereal!

One year she bought me a scale for Christmas and forced me to weigh myself in the living room in front of all of the relatives who had come to our house for Christmas, and then commented all day on how fat I was! She sent me a subscription to Weight Watchers magazine when I lived in a group house with a bunch of other people,l which I found mortifying and shameful.

I'm now in a twelve step program for food addicted people slowly undoing the years of horrible messages I got about food growing up. I've lost fifty pounds since this summer. At Thanksgiving she literally said nothing to me. If she's not fat-shaming me, apparently we have nothing to talk about.

Damn. You can come to my house for Christmas this year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother doesn't eat real food -- like meat, potatoes, dairy products, vegetables, fruit.
She skips meals, drinks lots of black coffee and then occasionally eats three donuts or an entire box of sugary cereal. She has osteoporosis , really dry skin and hair and some kind of weird vitamin deficiency where her fingernails curl up -- but she's thin! So therefore she has the answer to the obesity epidemic! Everyone should starve themselves until they're about to pass out and then eat a box of sugary cereal!

One year she bought me a scale for Christmas and forced me to weigh myself in the living room in front of all of the relatives who had come to our house for Christmas, and then commented all day on how fat I was! She sent me a subscription to Weight Watchers magazine when I lived in a group house with a bunch of other people,l which I found mortifying and shameful.

I'm now in a twelve step program for food addicted people slowly undoing the years of horrible messages I got about food growing up. I've lost fifty pounds since this summer. At Thanksgiving she literally said nothing to me. If she's not fat-shaming me, apparently we have nothing to talk about.

Damn. You can come to my house for Christmas this year!

And you are welcome at mine for any future Thanksgivings.