husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........

Your husband asks for a divorce around the same time that someone alerts you that he's having an affair and you still have no idea what's going on? Really?

It's obvious that your husband had an affair and was planning to leave you for his affair partner. Her husband found out and she ended the affair. This is when your husband stopped talking about divorce and settled for his second choice - you. I'm not trying to be mean but you ignored huge red flags so I'm being as clear as I can. Your husband views you as a consolation prize. Life with you is what he's settling for because his first choice dumped him. What happens if his next girlfriend doesn't dump him?

Here's a hint: he dumps you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like an idiot. Obviously he was having an affair and she ditched him.

+1
She sounds pretty dumb

[Anonymous]

Pretty dumb to be screwing him this whole time .

Wonder if he even washed off his &&&& on those days when he did his AP and then his DW

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this person sounds too dumb to function. I'm thinking troll.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Appreciate the inferences of stupidity on my behalf, albeit off-topic. I wasn't asking for your appraisal of my IQ, but rather whether it is productive to ruminate upon the past or move on. Things are good now. Threat of divorce was 6 months ago. Communication from husband of alleged AP was just days ago, and I have reasons to discredit veracity. Things arrest' always as they seem and I'm not going to jump to conclusions. But appreciate the consensus that I am too dumb to function. OF course that is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I mean it'll happen again so next time you won't be blindsided I guess. Don't doubt the veracity of that message. Your husband is a hound dog and someone told you. Ignore it if you want but nobody is going to just make that up for no reason.

He might really leave if the next one goes through with it.

[Anonymous]

Also, we all called it was an ended affair BEFORE you told us about the message confirming one. So what does that tell you? It's really obvious, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Appreciate the inferences of stupidity on my behalf, albeit off-topic. I wasn't asking for your appraisal of my IQ, but rather whether it is productive to ruminate upon the past or move on. Things are good now. Threat of divorce was 6 months ago. Communication from husband of alleged AP was just days ago, and I have reasons to discredit veracity. Things arrest' always as they seem and I'm not going to jump to conclusions. But appreciate the consensus that I am too dumb to function. OF course that is really helpful.

It doesn't matter if it was just a few days ago. The timing doesn't have to match up. Maybe the other woman's husband only found out then. I would bet your DH and his AP broke up a while ago, or alternatively your DH decided a while ago that while he might still want to sleep with her, he wasn't going to leave his marriage for her.

What was the other thing you mentioned having heard about him having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, we all called it was an ended affair BEFORE you told us about the message confirming one. So what does that tell you? It's really obvious, OP.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Appreciate the inferences of stupidity on my behalf, albeit off-topic. I wasn't asking for your appraisal of my IQ, but rather whether it is productive to ruminate upon the past or move on. Things are good now. Threat of divorce was 6 months ago. Communication from husband of alleged AP was just days ago, and I have reasons to discredit veracity. Things arrest' always as they seem and I'm not going to jump to conclusions. But appreciate the consensus that I am too dumb to function. OF course that is really helpful.

Have you no self respect?

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree that these posters are very mean. You are definitely not stupid--your brain is trying to protect you from being hurt, so you are not seeing what is obvious to most people posting on here. I don't think it would be so obvious to us either if we were living it, but from an outsiders' perspective it does seem like there is a very high likelihood that he did have an affair and for some reason it didn't work out which is why he is no longer pursuing the divorce. people --especially men--don't really just wake up and want a divorce -- especially if the relationship wasn't having major problems. something triggered it - and it was most likely an affair. i guess you need to decide now if you prefer not knowing what triggered it and hoping this doesn't happen again, or digging deeper into what triggered it and dealing with the fallout.

[Anonymous]

From your post and follow-up you seem more than happy to ignore an affair and pretend that it never happened. I think that deep down you know that if he'd do it once - what's real to stop him from doing it again?

Note - the marriage counseling doesn't even count in this cenario because your husband is still in 'deny everything' mode and you're really happy to play along.

Are you willing to turn a blind eye to other affairs for the rest of your marriage? If yes, say nothing, enjoy life and continue being blissfully unaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Annual exams don't test for all stds btw. Ask for a full panel.

+1

Doctors ask very simple questions if you're single. Are you sexually active ? Have you had any this or that symptoms or high risk this or that. None of which are accurate since many sti's have none or comparable symptoms to other maladies.
Married women are rarely asked about their sex lives. Sti testing is rare unless the patient request it.
The same with pregnant women. They are given 3 or 4 tests for sti's. Not a full panel unless you have told the Dr that you are high risk.

A woman must insist on a full panel before she can declare herself sti free. Even then, it's not a certainty of all sti's.

It doesn't take much google research for people to be a lot more knowledgable on sti's. It always amazes me how ignorant people are on things that have very direct consequences to them. It's as if living with their heads in the sand makes for a happier life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks all. It honestly never occurred to me that the breakup of an AP could have triggered his sudden desire for a divorce.......

We were having fairly regular sex the whole time over the time leading up to his divorce threats (like, twice a week or so)..... I've never denied him sex although in the past he's said he'd like more of it or that we weren't having enough of it (although sometimes when I tried to initiate he pushed me away).....

What are other clues I should be looking out for if there was an affair?

I've been tested for STDs (for regular annual) and am free of them.....

Um no, the break up with his ap meant he decided he doesn't want to divorce you.

[Anonymous]

OP, this last poster had a job point. My SIL found out her DH was cheating on her when they did a full panel (because of some symptoms) and found a disease. They ended up working things out and staying together.

So, go to the gyn and tell them it is a possibility you might have been exposed and request testing. And, follow up with that weird message you received and ask for proof (emails, screen shots of texts, pictures, bills, etc...)

Continue to move on since things are going well now, and if you have any proof (an STD or something from that weird email) then talk to your DH about it.