Start of School PTSD

[Anonymous]

What do I worry about? Teachers and staff who are intensely well meaning but have no practical idea how to implement the IEP, and no training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes- we're not in DC anymore. DS9 started school today. No one is very happy about it.
I'm putting on some optimism and hoping some of these therapies might result in friendships and fewer homework battles.
It was painful at a back-to-school social event last week to realize that his male classmates had been hanging together in the summer and didn't include DS.
There is no point worrying- what will happen, will happen. Better to put energy toward advocating for effective accommodations. I say that, but of course, we can't help worrying.

Social exclusion of your kid is one of those painful things that you never can get used to . Hope school goes well for him.

I agree that this is painful, but I'm wondering if 1) all the boys hung out together at the same time all summer, which would be exclusionary or 2) kids frequently hung out with their friends in small groups --in which case there was no conscious effort to exclude your son. My DD really just played with two or three school friends this summer. When she asked for a play date, I didn't sit down with a class list and check off who we'd hung with already or how many times to make sure no one would feel left out in September. If I'd organized a big event, I would have made sure everyone got an invite.

My child has anxiety (not primarily social) and dreads large groups and new people. We spent a lot of summer evenings playing at local parks so she could practice introducing herself to new children. She didn't make any new best friends, but she wasn't lonely and I saw an improvement in her social skills. She hasn't struggled to make at-school friendships, but I think that she's ready now to expand beyond the 2-3 classmates that she currently will ask to see outside of school.

pp here- it was probably the smaller group thing. I want DS to have friends too, but we understand that kids choosing friends at these older elementary ages is not necessarily exclusive. We also make other opportunities with special interest camps, but it's hard to send my DS off to school when he doesn't really feel like a member of the school community with friendships and a "group" like the other kids.

Would it be possible for his school to host a lunchtime or after school club for a special interest he has. It's a great way to build a social circle. I hosted Lego Club and Maker Space at my school. It came with a small stipend that I used to pay for aftercare for my own DD, but there are probably some teachers who would do it for free or in exchange for freedom from cafeteria duty.

The school does mix up up the lunch tables so the same kids don't always sit together. I think that helps- the school is also starting an abbreviated version of cross country this year. DS is going to try that- it will take some endurance but not too much skill at this age. I'm hoping he can forge some connections with the other kids this way.
The difficulty is the social skills and expressive language difficulties- it makes social communication really hard.... the kids try to escape DS or start to make fun of him or tell him to shut up. He's so sensitive and self-conscious none of this rolls off, and it causes some breakdowns in the afternoon at homework time when DS is feeling upset and exhausted from trying to fit in all day.
I feel bad because I alternate feeling empathetic about DS's sadness and frustrated because he inevitably makes things worse by being demanding and defiant and overly emotional when he gets home from school. I don't always handle it very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes- we're not in DC anymore. DS9 started school today. No one is very happy about it.
I'm putting on some optimism and hoping some of these therapies might result in friendships and fewer homework battles.
It was painful at a back-to-school social event last week to realize that his male classmates had been hanging together in the summer and didn't include DS.
There is no point worrying- what will happen, will happen. Better to put energy toward advocating for effective accommodations. I say that, but of course, we can't help worrying.

Social exclusion of your kid is one of those painful things that you never can get used to . Hope school goes well for him.

I agree that this is painful, but I'm wondering if 1) all the boys hung out together at the same time all summer, which would be exclusionary or 2) kids frequently hung out with their friends in small groups --in which case there was no conscious effort to exclude your son. My DD really just played with two or three school friends this summer. When she asked for a play date, I didn't sit down with a class list and check off who we'd hung with already or how many times to make sure no one would feel left out in September. If I'd organized a big event, I would have made sure everyone got an invite.

My child has anxiety (not primarily social) and dreads large groups and new people. We spent a lot of summer evenings playing at local parks so she could practice introducing herself to new children. She didn't make any new best friends, but she wasn't lonely and I saw an improvement in her social skills. She hasn't struggled to make at-school friendships, but I think that she's ready now to expand beyond the 2-3 classmates that she currently will ask to see outside of school.

pp here- it was probably the smaller group thing. I want DS to have friends too, but we understand that kids choosing friends at these older elementary ages is not necessarily exclusive. We also make other opportunities with special interest camps, but it's hard to send my DS off to school when he doesn't really feel like a member of the school community with friendships and a "group" like the other kids.

Would it be possible for his school to host a lunchtime or after school club for a special interest he has. It's a great way to build a social circle. I hosted Lego Club and Maker Space at my school. It came with a small stipend that I used to pay for aftercare for my own DD, but there are probably some teachers who would do it for free or in exchange for freedom from cafeteria duty.

The school does mix up up the lunch tables so the same kids don't always sit together. I think that helps- the school is also starting an abbreviated version of cross country this year. DS is going to try that- it will take some endurance but not too much skill at this age. I'm hoping he can forge some connections with the other kids this way.
The difficulty is the social skills and expressive language difficulties- it makes social communication really hard.... the kids try to escape DS or start to make fun of him or tell him to shut up. He's so sensitive and self-conscious none of this rolls off, and it causes some breakdowns in the afternoon at homework time when DS is feeling upset and exhausted from trying to fit in all day.
I feel bad because I alternate feeling empathetic about DS's sadness and frustrated because he inevitably makes things worse by being demanding and defiant and overly emotional when he gets home from school. I don't always handle it very well.

Are you in my house? I could have written your post. I hope homework ramps up really slowly this year.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
Just a note to you all -- I know exactly what you mean; I had to literally take to my bed with the vapors the day before school started when DD was going into 2nd grade. Swooning with anxiety and dread...

DD is now 16 and I wanted to say it gets so much better. First, I got some therapy for myself -- just talking through the dread, the feelings of hopelessness and of sadness and loss, was tremendously helpful. Second, the therapies and medications and IEPs, etc., actually helped DD to the point that it really made a difference. There are still issues but it all gets more manageable. Third, I made friends with moms of other SN kids and they became my lifeline. We shared information and supported each other, and worked in tandem with the school as a group. These women are still my good friends. The oldest child just went off to college!

So, in sum, it does get better and it does get easier - probably and most likely. Best of luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do I worry about? Teachers and staff who are intensely well meaning but have no practical idea how to implement the IEP, and no training.

+1000

I know these teachers mean well. Have so much enthusiasm. There needs to be a BCBA there, everyday, at every autism school.