My friend is a terrible mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does in fact sound like a terrible mother.

I should know, I am also adopted & my own mother was always trying to pawn me off on other people.
And when I turned 18, then she totally abandoned me + cut me off from ever living @home ever again.

Too bad she didn't have a friend like you to witness what a horrid parent she was.
Also, she treated other kids so much differently than she did me. Everyone thought she was the best!

Except me.

I would discuss w/your friend your feelings about how she raised her kids.
(I wish someone had spoken to my mother.)

Voice your concerns & if she gets angry or offended by what you have to say, then so be it.

That is just a chance you will have to take.

Those kids need an advocate right now.

Or if confrontation is not your thing, then feel free to ghost her.

In all honesty, I cannot stand to socialize w/anyone who treats their children in the manner you described.

Hi, PP. OP here. I am so sorry about what happened to you, but thank you so much for your reply. Maybe you can help me figure out how to best be available to these kids now.

Do you think, as I suspect, that it's actually best that these kids stay away from her now that they are in fact 18? The older child (remember, she was able to move in with a loving relative at around 14) is now self-supporting at 20 years old. She has about an 80 IQ, so she won't go to college. But she works 2 jobs happily and pays for her own apartment. I am so happy to see her thriving. The boy, the younger one, is the one who needs help right now. He is quite a bit sharper than his sister (I think because he didn't endure the periods of malnutrition pre-adoption that his sister did). He went to a technical high-school studying IT, and I think he would be a great candidate for community college before transferring into a 4 year college after the first 2 years. I want to see him heal and move on with his life.

I guess my big question is, these kids still feel some kind of bond with their adopted mom, don't they? Completely moving on isn't realistic, is it? They will still have issues around her since she did raise them. :/

At this point I think I am going to reach out to the younger one, and try to offer him some mentorship on his path into adulthood. I am not sure what talking with his mother would do? I kind of want her out of the picture because she has such a toxic dynamic with him. Do you think this would be helpful to him?

If the young man studied IT at a technical HS and graduated, at 18, he is likely better situated to be on his own than most DCUM kids are at that age. IF your read on his home life is accurate, consider why he wanted to move home now. Most of us who grew up with abusive families left ASAP and never moved back in. Even if it meant couch surfing or homeless shelters. At 17, I took on massive student debt to get away. My brother joined the military. Another brother took a menial job that came with housing. My third brother did choose homelessness. My only sibling who pushed to stay and return once kicked out is a foster sibling who was diagnosed with RAD and made everyone's life a living hell. Because he lies, steals, and occasionally physically attacks people he has no one who wants to take him in. His mom, my former SM, will for a cut of his SSI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old folds all the laundry OP you do not seem like a very good friend maybe your friend is better off without you? You are like the child free friend with lots of free and judge advice

WTF does laundry have to do with this?

OP says her friend is abusive asking 11 year old to fold laundry.

[Anonymous]

Op I think the best thing you could do is: MYOB

[Anonymous]

I've known families who have adopted kids with severe attachment disorders, and it can be a heartbreaking and difficult road. Your friend truly may not have been prepared to handle the challenges and probably could have used better support and education along the way. (Organizations like Empowered to Connect have excellent information.) I do know a family who's maintained contact with their RAD daughter. She's had a tough time, flunked out of school and had some employment problems, but now in her 20s she's doing better. They've gone through cycles of blame, but have been able to maintain a relationship. I truly wish the best for your friend and her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think the best thing you could do is: MYOB

+1 problem solved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old folds all the laundry OP you do not seem like a very good friend maybe your friend is better off without you? You are like the child free friend with lots of free and judge advice

WTF does laundry have to do with this?

OP says her friend is abusive asking 11 year old to fold laundry.

I did not say this. What is abusive is her talking to him like he is a piece of crap and giving him a list of homeless shelters now that he is 18.
Her reasons? He complained and avoided things like laundry. It's perfectly fine to ask an 11 year old to do that, but is it really appropriate to become indignant when they complain about it?

[Anonymous]

What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old folds all the laundry OP you do not seem like a very good friend maybe your friend is better off without you? You are like the child free friend with lots of free and judge advice

WTF does laundry have to do with this?

Weird pozt

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this she thought it would be cool to foster and adopt. The kids drove her nuts. She called me and lots of others many times after she locked herself in bedroom over frustration. Kids, now grown, are a hot mess and have reconnected w birth moms. I don't see her/them anymore. Thank god.