S/O...Is it okay to text a married man?

[Anonymous]

If this is a pre-existing relationship prior to your marriages, I can see it being okay as long as you follow the golden rules of it being transparent, no problems letting your spouse know that's who you are texting, wouldn't write anything spouse can't read, isn't so consuming, like 1000 texts a month that you neglect your own spouse and children, and you aren't discussing marriages/spouses in anything other than a positive light.

If it's a co-worker I think that's a slipper slope for many reasons. I think a lot of people meet spouses and AP at work because that's where you spend the most time. I think even if there is no romance implied, there is a certain work boundary needed (with anyone) so nothing gets too personal and there isn't an issue when you supervise/task the other person or vice versa and friendships blur the line of professionalism. So I don't see any reason to have constant texts with my co-workers outside of work and send haircut selfies etc. I wouldn't see why my DH would either.

[Anonymous]

I am married, I text a younger married man a lot, but he is gay.

[Anonymous]

Just be aware that perfectly innocent jokes or sarcasm or witticisms could be interpreted differently by someone else. That is the danger of the condensed word! Gone are the days when you could write pages and pages in a letter to get your meaning across. A text can be easily misinterpreted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just be aware that perfectly innocent jokes or sarcasm or witticisms could be interpreted differently by someone else. That is the danger of the condensed word! Gone are the days when you could write pages and pages in a letter to get your meaning across. A text can be easily misinterpreted.

This makes no sense

[Anonymous]

I text a married man. Our office environment is horrible (lots of firings, although not either of us yet) and we don't want to use the office email for all the endless circulating rumors. I'm moving to a new job and might soon be in a position to help him escape. He has a good marriage and I'm guessing his wife knows all out out our texts, but if she doesn't and finds out, I'm guessing she'd be glad he has a place to vent, trade info, et cetera.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP but would also add that these texts shouldn't be frequent and replacing social time with your spouse. For example, my DH would come home from work, text pics of our kids to his coworker saying "they missed me!" And then continue texting her on and off throughout the evening with random crap. All the while ignoring me. Content of texts was innocent, but DH was making a lot of effort to make another woman laugh and engage with her, and treating me like the household help. Not okay.

Wow ! This is exactly what happened to me when my husband got a blackberry and started a new project at work with younger people. All of a sudden I was non existent as were our pets. All he did was text the young woman constantly, ignoring me, while starting an emotional affair. It has taken 4 years to wind down and get back to normal.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why it's okay for married women to maintain friendships with men after marriage, but not create new friendships with men while married...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP but would also add that these texts shouldn't be frequent and replacing social time with your spouse. For example, my DH would come home from work, text pics of our kids to his coworker saying "they missed me!" And then continue texting her on and off throughout the evening with random crap. All the while ignoring me. Content of texts was innocent, but DH was making a lot of effort to make another woman laugh and engage with her, and treating me like the household help. Not okay.

Wow ! This is exactly what happened to me when my husband got a blackberry and started a new project at work with younger people. All of a sudden I was non existent as were our pets. All he did was text the young woman constantly, ignoring me, while starting an emotional affair. It has taken 4 years to wind down and get back to normal.

My God. The EA lasted four years? Did it turn sexual in nature? At what point did you find out?

[Anonymous]

I am a married woman. I frequently text with M.O.S.'s (Members of the Opposite Sex). Some married - some not. ALL platonic. Honestly - it is how we keep in touch. My old boss isn't on facebook and we text to keep in touch (actually 2 old bosses). My husband knows and doesn't have an issue with it - nor does the guys wife. BTW- neither of these are constant through the day- just every so often checking in. Telling a funny joke etc.

[Anonymous]

If you ever start to send a text and wonder, 'could this send the wrong message?' then don't send it.

I text a few married men occasionally who I'm friends with (and single guys) but there is not a single text that I would be uncomfortable with DH seeing/reading. That doesn't mean DH is reading my texts, but I wouldn't have anything to hide if he did.

The moment either side feels like something clandestine is happening, you've crossed the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why it's okay for married women to maintain friendships with men after marriage, but not create new friendships with men while married...

I think that for most people (certainly not all) the amount of energy needed to be put into forming a new friendship is not insignificant, and if you're spending that amount of energy on another man it is an unnecessary risk factor to your marriage.

Since having kids I can barely maintain my current friendships let alone cultivate and nurture new ones. I can't imagine spending that amount of intimate time with a guy and not feeling weird about it.

I guess there is just no way to get around the fact that even platonic friendships with men I have now (from pre-marriage), when they first started out there was always an element of, 'could you be a romantic partner?' And that is what led to getting to know each other better. So the intimacy that was required to start a good and robust friendship was kind of predicated on some kind of interest. I dunno, I know it feels like it would be bad for me to do it though, so I don't!

[Anonymous]

Why get involved with drama willingly?

[Anonymous]

When did we stop being able to have opposite sex friends? Sometimes I text DH's good friend who introduced us. Sometimes I text his wife. Sometimes his wife texts my husband. Sometimes DH and his friend text. We're all old friends now, nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you ever start to send a text and wonder, 'could this send the wrong message?' then don't send it.

I text a few married men occasionally who I'm friends with (and single guys) but there is not a single text that I would be uncomfortable with DH seeing/reading. That doesn't mean DH is reading my texts, but I wouldn't have anything to hide if he did.

The moment either side feels like something clandestine is happening, you've crossed the line.

You nailed it, that is how this type of question should be answered. Some of my married female friends I could text daily and it wouldn't be an issue, doesn't mean I do. Others, we have a common interest and swap thoughts after the fact.