Dealing with a child's disappointment with college admissions process

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm writing from a different but related vantage point. I'm not trying to make this all about myself, but I'm also hoping the story below might help parents dealing with a child's mental/physical health interfering with attending college.

I graduated from high school almost thirty years ago, and very few people were taking 'gap years.' I had to take such a year, though, because I spent the final two months of senior year with crippling anorexia and two hospitalizations by graduation time.

Before the hospitalizations, I'd been accepted to two excellent private schools in North Carolina, and I ended up deferring admission to one of those two. I also tried (and didn't succeed) taking courses during the 'gap year 's community college and a public university in my hometown, but was too ill too mentally and physically ill and so withdrew from both of those within several weeks of starting. I also ended up being hospitalized again that same year, right when my friends were starting their college educations.

Ultimately, I got a reasonably good job during that year. And ultimately, in late April of that same gap year, I realized I'd chosen the 'wrong' college to attend, so I was hugely lucky and relieved when my other choice, which I"d rejected a year earlier, was kind enough to re-grant me admission for the upcoming year. (For example and as an analogy, if I were talking about Philadelphia-area schools, I got accepted to both Penn and Swarthmore. I told Penn yes -- if I could defer my admission for a year, I"d love to attend. I told Swarthmore thank you but I've decided to go to Penn. I later changed my mind and so the following April, I called Swarthmore and asked if I could attend, after all, and be readmitted, and they said 'yes.')

I graduated from the college four years later, having to take off one quarter when I became ill again and having another hospitalization after the first year. But I made it. And then I made it to earn a Ph.D. and to have an extremely successful career, a great marriage (to a guy I met in college), and a wonderfully healthy late-in-life baby -- salient here because doctors feared I had compromised my fertility with the anorexia and bulimia that came along, too, during college. Best of all, the eating disorder days are long behind me.

I'm sharing this only to say I know it absolutely sucks for your daughter and it must be so hard for you to bear, too, but it can all work out well in the end. Sometimes, those kinds of stories can help; I hope this one does. I hope, most of all, that you and she can see the sunshine through the many gray days that are here right for her. Best of luck to you both, always.

[Anonymous]

I'd just tell her that there many different paths that lead to the same place. Going to a CC doesn't prevent her from reaching the same goal (and same degree) as someone else who started at a 4 year college.

I'd tell her to focus on what her interests are and take classes that she will be excited about.

I also thing a "gap year" can be a good thing. It helped me realize that I needed to buckle down and get into college, so that I could have a career with enough money to live on. I had far more motivation and drive than many of my friends who had started right away after high school.

My parents cried when I didn't go straight to college. They were very disappointed in me. However, if you asked them about it today -- they would agree that it was probably one of the most important years of my life.

You don't need to cushion your daughter's disappointment. Just be a sympathetic ear for her and encourage her to chart her own course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this coddling and excuse-making didn't get OP's daughter very far, did it? You and your sycophants here are rationalizing how your daughter will turn out better than the gorgeous bitch-face babe.

Let's face facts: the gorgeous girl is FAR ahead of your daughter. She's only going to keep leaving your daughter in the dust UNLESS you all stop making excuses for her.

Grow up. All of you.

It seems today that we can only celebrate accomplishments but never recognize failure. Only being able to get into CC (short of some disability) is a failure. Plain and simple. Other kids in the school are going to BETTER colleges because they did BETTER.

Now this does not need to define your life but it is foolish to not to recognize that OP daughter is behind those other students. Whether they are nice or not makes little difference in the facts.

[Anonymous]

There are some community colleges that put you on a track to transfer to great schools if you do well--like UVA. I agree that you mapout some tempting pathways and then do everything you can to support your child being actie proactive and connected and invested, as others have suggested.

[Anonymous]

It's likely this student would have choices other than CC. Op, just isn't giving us enough info. Mom thinks this is her only option. Have no idea why she would think this.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell what the "queen bee" did that was wrong other than getting into the college of her choice. That doesn't mean you're a jerk. OP are you projecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell what the "queen bee" did that was wrong other than getting into the college of her choice. That doesn't mean you're a jerk. OP are you projecting?

Oh Please...QB always tries to make others feel inferior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm writing from a different but related vantage point. I'm not trying to make this all about myself, but I'm also hoping the story below might help parents dealing with a child's mental/physical health interfering with attending college.

I graduated from high school almost thirty years ago, and very few people were taking 'gap years.' I had to take such a year, though, because I spent the final two months of senior year with crippling anorexia and two hospitalizations by graduation time.

Before the hospitalizations, I'd been accepted to two excellent private schools in North Carolina, and I ended up deferring admission to one of those two. I also tried (and didn't succeed) taking courses during the 'gap year 's community college and a public university in my hometown, but was too ill too mentally and physically ill and so withdrew from both of those within several weeks of starting. I also ended up being hospitalized again that same year, right when my friends were starting their college educations.

Ultimately, I got a reasonably good job during that year. And ultimately, in late April of that same gap year, I realized I'd chosen the 'wrong' college to attend, so I was hugely lucky and relieved when my other choice, which I"d rejected a year earlier, was kind enough to re-grant me admission for the upcoming year. (For example and as an analogy, if I were talking about Philadelphia-area schools, I got accepted to both Penn and Swarthmore. I told Penn yes -- if I could defer my admission for a year, I"d love to attend. I told Swarthmore thank you but I've decided to go to Penn. I later changed my mind and so the following April, I called Swarthmore and asked if I could attend, after all, and be readmitted, and they said 'yes.')

I graduated from the college four years later, having to take off one quarter when I became ill again and having another hospitalization after the first year. But I made it. And then I made it to earn a Ph.D. and to have an extremely successful career, a great marriage (to a guy I met in college), and a wonderfully healthy late-in-life baby -- salient here because doctors feared I had compromised my fertility with the anorexia and bulimia that came along, too, during college. Best of all, the eating disorder days are long behind me.

I'm sharing this only to say I know it absolutely sucks for your daughter and it must be so hard for you to bear, too, but it can all work out well in the end. Sometimes, those kinds of stories can help; I hope this one does. I hope, most of all, that you and she can see the sunshine through the many gray days that are here right for her. Best of luck to you both, always.

Does Penn= Duke & Swarthmore= Davidson?

In any case, it's so nice to hear that you were able to get healthy & achieve your goals in spite of a rough start to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is graduating from HS this week. She had a tough time in HS and will be attending community college for a year and then hopefully transferring to a four year institution. Today they had a school event and a newspaper was handed out that showed where everyone is going. One of here classmates is the queen bee of the mean girls and will be attending a well thought of state university. I know this girl's mother and the mom and other siblings are very nice. It is this particular kid who is as nasty and smug as they come.

This whole thing of DC going to a community college while Miss Charm is attending a four year school right off the bat seems to be depressing my kid. I have always taught her that no matter how gorgeous or popular someone is, they have problems like everyone else and to not look at them. Any other suggestions on how I can help her?

She is going to a state school, not an Ivy. What is the big deal here.

[Anonymous]

She isn't disappointed with college admissions, but disappointed with how high school went. Basically, what she has to do now is regroup and fix her transcript if she under-performed, or adjust her expectations about her educational future if she did not.

She probably feels bad because it is a big blow.

Projecting onto the successes or not of some other girl just diverts energy.

What can you do? Simply be compassionate and support her steps to make her next years better ones.