Kids Eating Sabotaged by Grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am no health nut, and enjoy the occasional junk, but honestly, for me this WOULD be a hill to die on. You are what you eat, and there's just no getting around that.

I'm French: we don't snack all day, we eat dinner as a family, we have regular mealtimes and when we go out we don't bring food unless it's a picnic lunch. If the kids are hungry outside of mealtime hours, they wait. Learning to manage hunger and eat normal portions is just as important as choosing what kind of foods to eat.

Don't be afraid of putting your foot down with MIL, but at the same time communicate positively with your children so that they are on your side! Don't make it punitive. Constantly talk to them about healthy choices and being strong and long-lived. Offer them your healthy versions of treats and make them yummy! That way they won't resent your restrictions.

+1

I'm Italian and while we don't have a reputation for being perfectly moderate about food, I'd be really, really upset if it was interfering with family dinner. It is about more than food it's about having time together and the ritual of it is important to me. In a busy household that's some of the best quality time you can get together.

[Anonymous]

My mom feeds DD lots of junk. I just had to remind myself that I grew up eating her foods and turned out fine.lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't that the point of grandparents?

Not the OP, but no. I hate the idea that anyone's role is to spoil kids, or be the disciplinarian, etc. My kids grandparents role is to be two more people in their lives who are stable and responsible and love them and give them a biological tie to their family, etc. It's not to giggle behind my back while sneaking them cookies.

+1. Grandparents should be a supporting force. Not a conflicting one.

[Anonymous]

I have gone through this, too. My Inlaws have terrible eating habits. They basically eat all junk and do it all day long. I am by no means s health freak but I won't let them pass these habits on to my kids. we have ended up with a funny compromise that probably feels like a huuuuge sacrifice to each side. I am surprised so many people say to just accept it--this is the time to create lifelong habits in your kids. It is very hard to do when you are being consistently undermined. Some adults need limits like children do. I am willing to look the other way on the bags of candy and the pop tarts for breakfast but dessert HAS to be a special treat after a good meal... Not something in the middle of the day before dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't that the point of grandparents?

Not the OP, but no. I hate the idea that anyone's role is to spoil kids, or be the disciplinarian, etc. My kids grandparents role is to be two more people in their lives who are stable and responsible and love them and give them a biological tie to their family, etc. It's not to giggle behind my back while sneaking them cookies.

+1. Grandparents should be a supporting force. Not a conflicting one.

If grandparents are giggling at you in front of your children but behind your back, that's the problem. The cookies themselves are not the problem.

You need to decide which is more important, the grandparents' presence in your children's lives, or the cookies (or whatever issue is causing the dissension). I personally would not fight with my parents or my in-laws about cookies, but we each pick our own hills to die on.

[Anonymous]

totally ungrateful woman. raise your own dang kids if you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have had similar struggles on many fronts, including food and unlimited screen time. What I will say is that it has gotten easier to let go as they get older.

It was hard to let go of my idea that grandparents would have "old school" values to impart to my kids. I never imagined that it would be more of a free-for-all at the grandparents'.

I learned a lot about eating healthy from my grandmother, who was a wonderful cook. She would never make sweets, but just special savory dishes (including vegetables!). I think I ate everything in part because I saw how much work she put into it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the others that this is something to relax about. I know you didn't mean it literally, but you did call yourself a "health nut"--and here are some other words you used: limit, junk, problem, garbage, crazy, fighting, caring, fight, uptight, exhausting. It seems that you do probably make a much bigger deal about food than your average person. Personally, I don't think fights about food are going to help your kids.

This. Instead of freaking out that they are eating "junk," focus on the fact that they are eating so much that they don't want dinner. Instead of trying to police what they eat, ask grandma and grandpa to give them less so that they are hungry for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we had this problem since grandparents are our aftercare. instead of saying no junk period we limit it to a single serving. so one ice cream sandwich not 2 with a handful of cookies. I also will tell the kids as well as my folks to hold back on a day I might want to take them out to dinner or something. my kids know our house rules. they know if they ate junk at the grandparents they wont get the special going out junk later. this compromise has helped in our house since grandparents still get to give them junk, it isn't a forbidden fruit so they don't stuff themselves, and I still get to have fun with them on occasion.

This is a great approach. Treats in moderation are fine. All the French people I know do give their kids a goûter after school. My last French teacher, a middle-aged Parisian, used to tell us about putting a chocolate bar into a piece of baguette for a snack after school, and I thought, "Damn, no way would my mom have let me eat that!"

I think after school snacks are fine, but they shouldn't be so big that a kid isn't hungry for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't that the point of grandparents?

Not the OP, but no. I hate the idea that anyone's role is to spoil kids, or be the disciplinarian, etc. My kids grandparents role is to be two more people in their lives who are stable and responsible and love them and give them a biological tie to their family, etc. It's not to giggle behind my back while sneaking them cookies.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't that the point of grandparents?

Not the OP, but no. I hate the idea that anyone's role is to spoil kids, or be the disciplinarian, etc. My kids grandparents role is to be two more people in their lives who are stable and responsible and love them and give them a biological tie to their family, etc. It's not to giggle behind my back while sneaking them cookies.

+1

Yep. This is in fact the hill I'd die on. They aren't just feeding your kids junk, they're going around your parenting and doing it knowing that you don't approve. Way more than just food, it's disrespect.

[Anonymous]

I dealt with this exact situation, except it was toys not junk food (although sometimes they would give candy at holidays). I felt like I couldn't give my kids toys because the ILs were giving so many, and it made it so my parents felt funny giving toys.

If they are going to grandma's house, you don't have control there. Your only control is over what they eat in your house or while you are around, unless the ILs respect your boundaries. I think it's good she got upset at what your DH told her because that means he set the boundary. If she doesn't respect it, then don't let them go to her house. Either that, or send food with them to her house, but she can still feed them junk. Or, don't let them be there during meal time.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but no. I hate the idea that anyone's role is to spoil kids, or be the disciplinarian, etc. My kids grandparents role is to be two more people in their lives who are stable and responsible and love them and give them a biological tie to their family, etc. It's not to giggle behind my back while sneaking them cookies.

Could not agree more! This drives me nuts!! GPs should respect the wishes of the PARENTS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:totally ungrateful woman. raise your own dang kids if you don't like it.

Grandma, is that you?

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of setting more limits but not forbidding. It is interfering with dinner which is the problem. Maybe ask her to choose smaller portions. Maybe there are certain brands of treats you prefer. Maybe there are certain days treats are ok and others where they are not. It is ok to make reasonable requests. Banning any sort of treat isn't really reasonable. But setting expectations and limits that can be followed is ok.