Conflicting family weddings question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another divide and conquer family here, but in this case, I'd ask my DH to go with us to my brother's wedding. Next time you and DH see the cousin and his spouse, I'd take them out to dinner to celebrate their wedding.

But as you all continuously point out they aren't that close. They needn't do anything but send a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all have to go to your brother's wedding. DH's cousin and family will be disappointed to not have him/your family there but will have to understand because it's your brother. Your family may not be so understanding if DH doesn't attend - and with good reason, I think.

Why does the cousin have to be understanding?


If the roles were reversed I think the majority would be in support of divide in conquer, because on DCUM a DH is little more than his DW's property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which wedding is going to have better food and drinks?

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're also a divide and conquer family, but if you do this, you can guilt each other about it.

Correct.

If he goes with you, he then can't blame you for insisting you attend his wedding.

You in turn cannot complain when these cousins B list you for events or can't be bothered to show up to things you deem important.

You can't complain when his family invites dwindle.

You have to be supportive when gives family gives him a hard time about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and DH's cousin are both getting married on the same weekend, 3000 miles apart. Clearly the kids and I are going to my brother's wedding. Where should DH go? He and his cousin were really close growing up but don't talk that much now. DH is happy to do whatever I ask; I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable asking him to come to my brother's wedding.

Few things first,

1. Not talking much does not mean not important. My cousin and I don't talk much due to where we live and lifestyle. We are lucky if we get each other on the phone once a month, but you best believe we were at each others weddings.


2. This is probably just my projection, but it stood out to me that your husband left the choice up to you. Why is that? Is he expecting a huge negative fall out/argument with you? Will he use this against you at a later time?


3. Is it absolutely impossible for both to happen meaning SH goes to his cousins wedding and then flies solo to meet up with you and the kids. In my experience the groom's bi; from his sister and his cousin do very little.

Ultimately neither choice is unreasonable. I think it would be perfectly fine for you to go to divide and conquer , and it would be perfectly fine for you to ask him to come to your brother's wedding.

This may just be because he thinks the deciding factor is his wife's opinion. As many have stated either option could be reasonable depending on the specific family dynamics. In my family you better believe DH would go to my brother's wedding. My brother might not care but it would matter a lot *to me* to have him there.

It's fine if he thinks that, but OP didn't say so which leads me to think otherwise. It's not just about you and your wants when you get married. Something many wives hear fail to understand your husbands wants and feelings matter too.

Of course it's not just about one persons wants, but we also frequently make weighted decisions, i.e. the husband here might prefer to go to his cousins wedding if only thinking about his own wants, but is willing to defer to his wife / her wants because her relationship to her brother / nuclear family might be even stronger. And I would say the same thing if the roles were reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and DH's cousin are both getting married on the same weekend, 3000 miles apart. Clearly the kids and I are going to my brother's wedding. Where should DH go? He and his cousin were really close growing up but don't talk that much now. DH is happy to do whatever I ask; I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable asking him to come to my brother's wedding.

How old are your kids? If they aren't self-sufficient then DH goes with you unless you truly don't mind doing it all. I KNOW I would mind doing it all with 2 or 3 kids under 5 so I would want DH would come with me to as support for me and to do his part with the kids during a big family event. If my kids are old enough to be texting their friends downtime and pretty self-sufficient logistically speaking, I would encourage DH to make the decision. A lot of time weddings and funerals are the only time families get together with all the relatives so even if he and his cousin drifted apart, he will see his aunts and uncles, other cousins, his parents, maybe grandparents etc if this is a first cousin. It may also mean a lot to the cousin to reconnect and have your DH at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've divided a few times for events (friends, cousins). But, if it was my brother I would ask DH to go with me. I mean, brother/sister trumps cousin big time in my book.

Absolutely. Splitting up would work for most people. Events concerning immediate family*- parents/siblings/children... you have to be a family unit.

*My opinion might change if you told me your family wasn't close at all... you never speak to your brother.. DH has never met the family... etc.

[Anonymous]

I loved my cousins, but was not super close with them. I cannot imagine skipping my SIL or BIL's wedding for one of theirs. But if I were really close to the cousin (as in like-a-sibling close) or maybe if I thought it were one of the last times my whole extended family would be together for a happy occasion I might consider it.

[Anonymous]

I'd have my DH come to my brother's wedding...but we'd send a really nice gift to the cousin. Something special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife's brother trumps cousin you don't see anymore. There isn't a closer family wedding than a sibling. All hands on deck.

Yup. If it was your cousin, DH goes to his family wedding. But it's your brother, he skips his cousin's wedding.