Ex-husband bad mouthing new boyfriend to children

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. This whole situation speaks volumes about the dynamic between you and your X. It doesn't say really anything about your X and the boys. The boys probably forgot the comment five minutes after your X said it.

Stop obsessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former husband could not hold a job, could not deal with authority. Divorce was necessary for welfare of the boys. He is not 'father of the year.' He is an extremely angry person. BF is kind and sensitive to boys needs. He does not want to replace their father, he has his own children. X is just jealous and immature. Divorce was two years ago.

If he's a keeper then yes make sure the kids get to know him better. If he's going to be the new partner then continue to forge a good relationship, and co-parent with him. Forget the ex, I would have minimal contact with him. Do the child exchanges and figure out how to get him out of your life. You can't control his sickness, but continue to tell the kids positive things and that you hope he finds someone nice someday. Your ex will soon figure out happiness is the best revenge, and his tactics are backfiring. We had a ex like that, we co-parented together and she could do the same when the kid was with her. It's called moving on, and your ex will only be empowered if you let him. He can get info. from schools, doctors, etc. otherwise you can communicate by text, email, if there are child schedule exchanges. I laughed that someone on here said you shouldn't be dating, they must be a vengeful ex.

I suspect the child is acting out because of the change in circumstances. Do some fun outings with the boyfriend, and ignore some of the things that are said...it may be for attention and sometimes negative attention is better then none. It will pass.

[Anonymous]

The PPs who say your dating life should be entirely separate from your children, it's great if that worked for them, but in my experience and that of my other single mom friends, it's not always possible and that's ok. Most children can handle it just fine. Do watch the BF around your kids to make sure he is not rushing too fast into a parenting role out of desire to help out or impress you. Don't be afraid to say something and set boundaries -- you are their parent and the primary decision maker. Do not acknowledge the Ex's comments in any way unless he comes to you directly with a serious concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with everyone else that kids and BF need to be kept separate and at no point in time, even if you marry, should he be involved in any way in the parenting and/or discipline of your kids. Ever.

Disagree with this completely.

For one thing, I would never agree to marry a man before he'd even met my children (or I his, if he had them). If someone wants to marry me, that someone needs to understand that my child and I are a package deal. Secondly, since I actually am remarried, it is completely insane to suggest that a step-parent should never be involved in parenting and discipline. I have primary custody of DD. She is with me all week and sees her biological father every other weekend. Her stepfather (we've been married for 2 years, since she was 4) is around all the times that she's with me. He sees her more than my ex does.

What is with this board lately? Between the bigots and the people who love to shame single moms, there goes the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm a single mom of two as well. My ex left when my kids were five and one year old.
I have NEVER brought a man around my children. Why do your kids have to see this man at all?

If you get to the point where you are thinking of marrying him, that's another story. Until then, use your non-custodial time to date.

Your ex is an ass. Don't give him any ammunition. He shouldn't know anything about your romantic life. There should be nothing for the kids to tell him.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with some of the pps that you should never have the BF around your kids-it sounds like you are serious. But, I'm curious about the context in which you and/or BF think the kids should be listening to BF. He shouldn't be disciplining them and should only be intervening if there is imminent harm. If your ex is really trashing your BF that's a problem, although not necessarily one you can do a lot about, but if he's saying, your mom is the boss and she makes the rules, not the BF-well he's kind of right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PPs who say your dating life should be entirely separate from your children, it's great if that worked for them, but in my experience and that of my other single mom friends, it's not always possible and that's ok. Most children can handle it just fine. Do watch the BF around your kids to make sure he is not rushing too fast into a parenting role out of desire to help out or impress you. Don't be afraid to say something and set boundaries -- you are their parent and the primary decision maker. Do not acknowledge the Ex's comments in any way unless he comes to you directly with a serious concern.

I agree. There sounds like there are a lot of bitter ex husbands on this thread.

But OP, you can't blame your 5 year old acting up at school on comments your ex husband made about your boyfriend. Parent the best YOU can. Don't badmouth the other parent or sink to their level.

[Anonymous]

Has it occurred to anyone that OP could have majority custody?

[Anonymous]

For all we know they could be almost living together at this point. She did make it seem it's serious. She's divorced and has moved forward, not the X's business what goes on when it's her time with the kids. Or yes the kids may live with her. If it's that serious she is allowed to have him help her parent.

Her ex is jealous she found someone, and the kids will adjust to the new situation. I agree don't put down the dad, continue to move forward with very little conversation except during the child exchanges. Maybe ex is worried she found a better dad!

[Anonymous]

I'm a single father who is the main custodian of my kids. I sort of took the position that dating was only during times I didn't have the kids. So, I usually tried dating during the summers when they would visit their mother and grandparents or go to camp. Nothing ever took super serious and usually I sort of left things at a summer fling while the kids were young and their needs were so demanding. I know my ex has dated and introduced a lot of guys to the kids over the years. It's been difficult for the kids because not only do they not see their mom that often, they end up dividing her attention with a stranger. So, they have complained about some of the guys (and liked some of the guys). I try to not foster their complaints beyond encouraging them to take it up with their mother.

That said, if I ever did get serious, it would be a slow introduction and I would probably do things like let my ex know that the person I am introducing into the kids' lives isn't dangerous and wouldn't pose a safety or health threat to the kids' welfare. I just haven't had the time or energy on that front.

OP, what I would do is try to offer an olive branch to your ex. Basically let him know that this person is a good person who doesn't pose any danger to the children and absolutely doesn't replace their father. Maybe a nice email?