Grandparents Watching baby full time

[Anonymous]

Since you asked for experiences I'll share mine. I needed daycare twice per week (husband works shift work in his field). My mom insisted upon watching my twins the 2 days per week we both worked.

I'm thankful my sons stayed home the first 17 months of their lives looking back. But if I had a child tomorrow that child would go to daycare.

My mom had an issue with boundaries and she and my husband did not get along at all. I believe our relationship is still somewhat strained years later because of the stress. I don't think it was all intentional, she had (has) health issues and it was too much for her. She didn't want to admit that it was too much once they became busy toddlers. An example of how horrible it got is she once turned on the oven to preheat to bake something while the babies were napping inside and accidentally locked herself outside. The fire dept had to come and let her back in. In all honesty, I didn't mind the expensive daycare bill for the peace of mind it brought (but then my kids were sick every other week so that brought new challenges). We are a few years past it. My sons have a great relationship with my mom now, but I would be lying if I said it didn't strain our relationship.

That said, as a benefit of being an "older mom" I should be retired if my sons wait until at least their late 20s to have kids. I'll gladly watch my future grand kids if they wish, but I fully intend to comply with my sons and future daughter-in-laws rules and just be thankful if they deem me worthy to care for their child(ren).

Good luck, hopefully your situation will work out for the best.

[Anonymous]

PP-I forgot to mention that we had many things in writing regarding schedules, feeding times, what to do and explicitly what not to do. Didn't make a difference in the outcome. Many times we'd have "talks" but still didn't change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you have a solid backup plan if things go sour. The Christmas comment makes her sound like a control freak.

+1 - the Christmas comment is a huge red flag to me too.

It works for some people but doesn't for others. It would not work for me. My mom would do whatever she wanted with the kids and claim grandmother's prerogative. The daily battle would not be worth it. You and your mom may have a different relationship, but as I said above, the Christmas comment seems to suggest that it might not work.

[Anonymous]

I had two friends do this. They both got along very well with their parents. Their parents were respectful of their role as a child and caregiver and it worked out really well. However, in both cases, the children were placed in preschool/daycare around ages 2-3 because they became so active (grandparents were actives themselves but no match for a crazy toddler). So that is something to keep in mind.

I was very jealous of both their scenarios and their kids are very close to the grandparents which is nice to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had two friends do this. They both got along very well with their parents. Their parents were respectful of their role as a child and caregiver and it worked out really well. However, in both cases, the children were placed in preschool/daycare around ages 2-3 because they became so active (grandparents were actives themselves but no match for a crazy toddler). So that is something to keep in mind.

I was very jealous of both their scenarios and their kids are very close to the grandparents which is nice to see.

PP here - that should say grandparent, not child.

I will add that the Christmas comment would be a bit of a red flag for me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had two friends do this. They both got along very well with their parents. Their parents were respectful of their role as a child and caregiver and it worked out really well. However, in both cases, the children were placed in preschool/daycare around ages 2-3 because they became so active (grandparents were actives themselves but no match for a crazy toddler). So that is something to keep in mind.

I was very jealous of both their scenarios and their kids are very close to the grandparents which is nice to see.

We had a similar arrangement when our DD was small. My parents watched her two days a week until she was a toddler and started preschool. Then they helped out at other times as needed. Our DD is in college and still extremely close with my parents. It probably depends on your family dynamic and parenting styles. We were thankful to have family take care of her when she was very young and we weren't tied to rigid schedules if anything came up at work and we were delayed. My parents were respectful of our parenting styles and we didn't sweat the small stuff. We all still laugh about how her first taste of white bread and chocolate milk came from grandpa and no, it wasn't every day or even often.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't even know what's about to hit you. There are so many invisible strings attached to this you could put on a marionette version of Gone With The Wind.

But seriously. Your mom sounds way over the top. What does DH think of all this? If I were either of you I would feel very uncomfortable. Especially about the Christmas comment. What does she have against your ILs?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you planning on paying your parents?

My mom is arriving next week and will be staying with us for several months to avoid putting DD in daycare. She's retired and this is her first grandchild. She offered to move in; I didn't ask her though I'm incredibly grateful. She has jokingly asked how much am I going to pay her for her services. At least I thought she was joking but she's done it so often that I guess she might be serious. I think it's weird to pay her to watch my kid but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you planning on paying your parents?

My mom is arriving next week and will be staying with us for several months to avoid putting DD in daycare. She's retired and this is her first grandchild. She offered to move in; I didn't ask her though I'm incredibly grateful. She has jokingly asked how much am I going to pay her for her services. At least I thought she was joking but she's done it so often that I guess she might be serious. I think it's weird to pay her to watch my kid but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.

Op here. No. My parents are much more wealthy than us. I was thinking of giving them a credit card for if they buy anything for baby. We also will buy a lot more for baby than if it were going to a daycare.

I would ask your mom how much she wants. It's different too if she's staying with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have good experiences to share?

My parents (active, late 50's) sold their house and moved cross country to my neighborhood when we got pregnant. They're adamant that they want to care for our baby after my maternity leave ends and until the baby goes to preschool. I knew they wanted to be involved, but I was kind of blown away by this. Mom is retired, but spent her life around small children and dad teleworks full time.

We have an excellent relationship, but I just wonder how much control I lose over the baby? It also puts them on a very unequal ground with DH's parents (who both work and don't live nearby). Mom's first reaction when we said we were pregnant was how excited she was that now we won't travel to my inlaws for Christmas every other year and we'll stay home and she can see us every Christmas.

OP. This would make me nervous. They uprooted their entire life and left it behind so they could now build their entire life around your unborn baby? I don't know but this just doesn't sound very healthy at all.

I would be very uncomfortable about this dynamic. I think they will end up acting like the baby's parents and it will create a lot of issues for you and your husband. You and your husband need time/space to develop your own family.

[Anonymous]

I see red flags. Why does she think your inlaws wouldn't want or deserve to see the kids during Christmas? And yes, I think kids should be able to spend Christmas at home with their toys, but I wouldn't dare say anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you agree with how your mom parents then DO it. You are so fortunate! I probably wouldn't have her do it at the pre-k age but as an infant, not a problem. She can go to storytimes at the library or other events if you want your baby to be around other babies.

OP here. Yes I think I do agree with how they parent. Especially with a newborn (maybe less with a teenager!). I don't want to sound ungrateful because this is a huge help that will save us about 20k a year and would give us more flexibility.

Wish we had known before we got pregnant. We've been married a long time and we waited until we had the resources to pay for maternity leave + daycare.

Well then ypu are in a great spot. You trust your parents to watch your child, but you have the resources for alternative childcare if it does not work out for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll answer from the other side of this. I was cared for a great deal by my grandmother when I was little, particularly as an infant. I went to an in home day care part of the time when I was older and stayed with grandma (and an aunt that lived with her) part of the time. I was always very close to them as a result (and in particular my grandma.) As an adult I cherish the time I was able to spend with my grandma and all of the really practical things I learned like how to bake bread, how to stew a chicken, how to make homemade chicken noodle soup and things like that. For me, it was invaluable.

+1. I am also really grateful to my mom for giving me this opportunity. My mom is helping with my kids and it is a positive. Regarding giving control OP, don't expect that you will have full control if your baby will be in daycare or with a nanny. The daycare will have their own rules / routines that you would need to adjust to as well and same for nanny, the person will have their own opinions and experiences and ways of doing things, so unless you micromanage your nanny, you'll also expect that not everything will be 100% your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll answer from the other side of this. I was cared for a great deal by my grandmother when I was little, particularly as an infant. I went to an in home day care part of the time when I was older and stayed with grandma (and an aunt that lived with her) part of the time. I was always very close to them as a result (and in particular my grandma.) As an adult I cherish the time I was able to spend with my grandma and all of the really practical things I learned like how to bake bread, how to stew a chicken, how to make homemade chicken noodle soup and things like that. For me, it was invaluable.

+1. I am also really grateful to my mom for giving me this opportunity. My mom is helping with my kids and it is a positive. Regarding giving control OP, don't expect that you will have full control if your baby will be in daycare or with a nanny. The daycare will have their own rules / routines that you would need to adjust to as well and same for nanny, the person will have their own opinions and experiences and ways of doing things, so unless you micromanage your nanny, you'll also expect that not everything will be 100% your way.

+1 to both comments! To me it's a no brainer. I was cared for by my grandmother and my mother cares for my daughter. I feel so blessed to have had both arrangements. Seeing how happy my daughter (the first grandchild) makes my mother is such a wonderful thing. Yes, I lose a little control in the sense that my mother spoils my daughter quite a bit but my daughter is learning that that does not fly with me and DH. We had a nanny for about a year because my mother was still working when my daughter was younger and I didn't have 100% control over the nanny either and she was an amazing nanny. So, yeah, unless you're at home, you're never going to have 100% control and, sometimes, that's a good thing, especially if this is your first rodeo and it's not the caretaker's. I was humbled and learned a lot in that year that we had the nanny and I continue to learn from my mother.

[Anonymous]

Most recent PP again. I would also add that this tends to be a much more acceptable arrangement in some cultures than it is in others. In my family's culture, if you have a willing and able relative to care for your child, it would be odd to not have that relative watch the child, but I've known many American families with able grandparents who either are unwilling or the parents are unwilling for a variety of reasons. I don't think either one is right or wrong. For instance, a long-term nanny or a long-term home caretaker minimizes socialization opportunities for your child, so you have to actively seek out social groups and settings / classes, but this can certainly be done. We've done it!