Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts

[Anonymous]

Mom,

Thanks for asking about gifts for the kids. The following are toys that they're currently interested in:
Toy A
Game B
Baseball Glove
EZ Bake Oven

Also, a reminder that we aren't planning on introducing them to electronic games, even educational ones, until they are X years old, so any such gifts will b put in storage until then. Thanks for being so thoughtful!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"

Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.

I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?

It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.

That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.

+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.

Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?

PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.

Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?

That's great for you, but this is something OP is clearly worried about or she wouldn't be worried about heading her mother off at the pass in buying something she doesn't want to give her kids.

NO, I would not want my mother to go against my wishes, but not because of being worried about being the bad guy, it would be about respecting my wishes. Two different things.

Then I don't understand your concern at all. You can't control whether someone is going to "respect your wishes." If she doesn't, return the damn thing and get him something else and tell your mother you did so and why. Why exactly is this an issue?

You cannot control anything anyone does, but you sure as heck would hope you could work on your relationships with people so that you do. So OP would like to figure out how to deal with/work out with/handle/request/PRAY TO GOD that her mother respects her damn wishes.

[Anonymous]

11:14 here. Given you are only worried she won't respect your wishes without any apparent concern over fallout on xmas morning, I wouldn't do anything other than give her some suggestions for things he'd like. Why wouldn't you give her the benefit of the doubt?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"

Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.

I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?

It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.

That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.

+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.

Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?

PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.

Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?

That's great for you, but this is something OP is clearly worried about or she wouldn't be worried about heading her mother off at the pass in buying something she doesn't want to give her kids.

NO, I would not want my mother to go against my wishes, but not because of being worried about being the bad guy, it would be about respecting my wishes. Two different things.

Then I don't understand your concern at all. You can't control whether someone is going to "respect your wishes." If she doesn't, return the damn thing and get him something else and tell your mother you did so and why. Why exactly is this an issue?

You cannot control anything anyone does, but you sure as heck would hope you could work on your relationships with people so that you do. So OP would like to figure out how to deal with/work out with/handle/request/PRAY TO GOD that her mother respects her damn wishes.

So then OP's question would be: my mother doesn't respect my boundaries. How can I work on this with her? Instead, she's worrying that her mother MIGHT not respect her boundaries on this one particular issue. Why would you pick this hill to die on when you don't even know if it's a problem yet?

[Anonymous]

Do you think it would be helpful to make her a part of the experience when the time comes for introduction?

For instance, my mother is obsessed with getting my daughter an American Girl doll. She recognizes that now is too early, (DD is 1), but would probably want to get it for her before I think its ok. I might never spend that money on a doll. But, for now, I have told my mother that it would be really special for DD's grandmother to get one for her, help her pick it out, etc., but that we would like for that to occur on the occasion of her 8th birthday. My mother was able to accept this, so long as I emphasize that it will be her special thing with DD. Its a weird way to manage my Mother and help her to accept the boundaries I have chosen.

So, in your case, somehow suggesting that while, for now, these types of toys are great, when the time comes for the types she seems focused on, you will let her know and let it be her special thing for the kids. And, perhaps for now, you can come up with something else really special for her to do for the kids that would make her happy. Tickets to a really cool live performance with grandma.. or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you purposefully not stating the age of your kids? I think the discussion is really hard without this information.

Did I miss you posting it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"

Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.

I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?

Wait, technology goes against your values?

How are you typing this?

Also, I assume you aren't in public school (because all testing happens on a computer). I'm just adding - that is a valid a point that you may not be considering. Accept the gift, don't let the kid use it. And move on.

This doesn't need to be crowdsourced.

[Anonymous]

Will Grandma be there on Christmas when they open gifts? If so, then I agree about having an explicit conversation before gifts are purchased.

If not, I'd open whatever shows up so that you know beforehand and can bring it up without getting the kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you purposefully not stating the age of your kids? I think the discussion is really hard without this information.

Did I miss you posting it?

It's irrelevant. Point is, she doesn't want them to have it, and wants to know how approach that with her mother.

--NP

[Anonymous]

Tell her to send it here instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you purposefully not stating the age of your kids? I think the discussion is really hard without this information.

Did I miss you posting it?

It's irrelevant. Point is, she doesn't want them to have it, and wants to know how approach that with her mother.

--NP

NP. Maybe. Grandma needs to respect wishes, but it is likely perhaps that she has a point if the kids are old enough. I don't let my kid's brain bleed in front of the tv and computer all day, but he is using one. It is 2015, almost 2016. There is no going back to "in my day."

[Anonymous]

OP, whew! Where to start....

Why do people care about age?! I have one kid who is 6, for example, who is not in public school and uses no computers. Am I unreasonable for not wanting my 6 year old to have an iPad? Well, even if you think so, I don't see how it's relevant. If I'd said I am an atheist and my mom might give my children Christian jewelry, the issue would be the same: if someone asks "what would little junior like for Christmas" is it ever OK to also say, "don't give my kid this gift."

My mother does a big Christmas and gives my kids lots of gifts every year. I personally would not be in favor of this massive gift-giving but we go along with this. I am not some control freak. But she also loves to buy electronics -- Christmas at our house is electronics-heavy -- and she also has repeatedly told me her worries about how I am depriving my children and how important the computer culture is, blah, blah, blah.

I guess I will just tell her what the kids would like and cross my fingers and deal with it if it happens.

[Anonymous]

No one wants gramma to usurp your authority OP. But in this case, you may want to reconsider your reasons for digging in.

But I think the atheist analogy is a good one, as for some people, you included, being anti-screen is definitely a dogmatic religion

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am truly not dogmatic! At Christmas, my kids have watched videos on their cousin's iPads. They have played educational videos on my mom's computer. If they go to someone's house and there is a video playing, they certainly can watch it. I don't walk around telling other people that screens are evil or that they are horrible people for letting their kids watch screens. I am sure at some point my kids will have their own computers. I just don't want my freaking 6 year old to have an iPad and if, come Christmas morning, I have to take it away from him unopened, I guess I will do that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with you on this.

If your kids are old enough, I think it's worth reviewing with them what the plan is if they receive something you don't think they should have. "Grandma really wants to get you an iPad, but I want you to know now that if she does we are going to have to return it. You know daddy and I don't want you playing with those kinds of electronics until you're a lot older. So please thank grandma for the gift, but we will be replacing it with something else."

When my kids were really little I made all kinds of crap "disappear." But fortunately, no one in our family is big on gifts (we don't celebrate Christmas) and they would certainly have asked (and respected our wishes) before buying anything really extravagant.