20 years Older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of think you're trolling on the back of the 9 page thread about spouses with age differences but if you're not, the problem isn't that he's 20 years older it's that he's a dick.

I lost you on the 9 page thread part- but ok.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is an extremely unhappy man. He is taking it out on you. He either needs to shape up and treat you better or he will be alone very soon.

My guess is that he needs counseling. I think the only way to improve your marriage is for him to become happier with himself. If he isn't willing to admit that there is a problem with the way he treats you (or himself, for that matter), then there is little you can do.

While I don't call his behavior abusive in the sense of you being physically afraid of him, the way he treats you is abusive. After living with someone like your DH for 10+ years, my self esteem was shot. It has taken me a while to get back on my feet -- and I am still not there yet.

Don't hang in too long. I do recommend working on your marriage and seeing if you can fix things BEFORE you leave. You won't regret trying to improve your marriage. If you do decide to leave, you will know that you didn't make the decision lightly and you tried to salvage things to protect your child.

Good luck, OP. Take your time with any major decisions on divorce. While it feels better to make a quick decision and get out fast -- you will be better off mulling things over for longer. I speak from experience on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm your husband's age (early 50's) and no way am I that "old".

You sound as though you are talking about a difficult elderly dad.

I'm PP @8:35 and no, it's not "difficult elderly dad" - it's insecure controlling asshole. He could very easily be her age and pull the same shit. What you see with these age differentials, is that oftentimes these controlling assholes (and there are plenty of women among them - see the guy in the "My Wife Hates Me" thread") choose inexperienced (younger) partners who don't recognize and call them out on their BS (or their real peers just won't have anything to do with them), and aren't equipped to stand up to it.

I'm an older (mid-40s) guy with a brand new younger DW (mid-30s) and our first child (both of us) ever, and I'm as (or more) youthful than DW. We also both have learned from our pasts being with abusive|user controlling people to not put up with BS from each other (and neither of us is really insecure and controlling).

Where are you seeing "abusive" in the Op's posts? The yogurt thing is - annoying and know it all-sh. The yelling about leaving insurance/registration info on the table at home during a traffic stop - it's actually kind of understandable why he was irritated that his wife had left those important papers at home.

Even the Op points to age as the reason for this guy being irritable.

Please keep in mind, that the wife left those papers at home because the wife went into labor and was not driving prior to because I was shopping/switching insurance. The fact that he wouldn't accept that he would have never gotten pulled over had he not being backing up a one way street!!! That's the illegal act that cause him to get stop! The police never asked for the insurance information.

Yes. I get it, these things happen. He was likely stressed (as most people would be) by being pulled over and felt thrown off/embarrassed by it. Not having the papers just increased his anxiety.

Has he always been like this or is this a personality change? Did he used to be more laid backand considerate, accepting of your friends/family? Or has he always been like this?

No way!!!! If it started like this I would have been out of it long ago! He use to be much more laid back. Although he never really liked when I would go out with my friends. My solution to that was suggesting that he took me out. We use to always go out in the beginning. I often look back at photos and trinkets and wonder what the hell happen. He is at work allll day! I have dinner prepared. Some times he may come in the house and say that he had meat for lunch and if I cooked meat he won't eat. Like that's rude and inconsiderate. I talk to you throughout the day, so you have the chance to give me a heads up on what you've had for lunch. Just selfish- and self absorbed!

Did your lifestyle change when your baby was born? It is not unusual for couples to stop going out as much once they have a baby...

[Anonymous]

Dump him.

[Anonymous]

I'm 50 and I enjoy going out and doing things. But the idea of having a new baby at this age, working full time and having a much younger SAH spouse who complains that we don't go out enough anymore - seems sort of draining to me.

The guy is probably feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And irritable.

If he wasn't an abusive control freak 5 years ago, why would he be a control freak now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50 and I enjoy going out and doing things. But the idea of having a new baby at this age, working full time and having a much younger SAH spouse who complains that we don't go out enough anymore - seems sort of draining to me.

The guy is probably feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And irritable.

If he wasn't an abusive control freak 5 years ago, why would he be a control freak now?

I don't complain to him that we don't go out. It's another tthing I suppress. I just enjoy being able to do activities with my toddler and the families at school. I would like to have some time for just us. I doubt if he is overwhelmed. Most people wait on him hand and foot because he is the boss. 5 years ago I had my own everything. My own place, I worked, and I had my own vehicle. So of course he wasn't a control freak then. There would be no way in hell that I would have stayed around. Those were the fun days. I don't see how he is overwhelmed about the new baby. He probably have held the baby a total of 5 times.. But who's counting. No support my entire pregnancy. He went to 0 appointments went me... But who's monitoring. Yet he makes sure that he doesn't miss taking his female friend to her chemo appointments. During my pregnancy I tested positive of having a trait of Gaucher's disease. It's commonly found amongst Jews. Mao they wanted to test him as well for the baby's sake.. They gave me a kit, where all he had to do was literally spit in the tube.... Do you think he did it? He carried this test too work everyday. Yet you can make it a priority to take another woman to her appointments, take her out to lunch afterwards etc... It truly made me feel like shit my entire pregnancy. He pushed my family and friends away...yet he is still friends with his ex wife. He would pay someone to do his share of responsibilities before he feels like he is entitled to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50 and I enjoy going out and doing things. But the idea of having a new baby at this age, working full time and having a much younger SAH spouse who complains that we don't go out enough anymore - seems sort of draining to me.

The guy is probably feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And irritable.

If he wasn't an abusive control freak 5 years ago, why would he be a control freak now?

I don't complain to him that we don't go out. It's another tthing I suppress. I just enjoy being able to do activities with my toddler and the families at school. I would like to have some time for just us. I doubt if he is overwhelmed. Most people wait on him hand and foot because he is the boss. 5 years ago I had my own everything. My own place, I worked, and I had my own vehicle. So of course he wasn't a control freak then. There would be no way in hell that I would have stayed around. Those were the fun days. I don't see how he is overwhelmed about the new baby. He probably have held the baby a total of 5 times.. But who's counting. No support my entire pregnancy. He went to 0 appointments went me... But who's monitoring. Yet he makes sure that he doesn't miss taking his female friend to her chemo appointments. During my pregnancy I tested positive of having a trait of Gaucher's disease. It's commonly found amongst Jews. Mao they wanted to test him as well for the baby's sake.. They gave me a kit, where all he had to do was literally spit in the tube.... Do you think he did it? He carried this test too work everyday. Yet you can make it a priority to take another woman to her appointments, take her out to lunch afterwards etc... It truly made me feel like shit my entire pregnancy. He pushed my family and friends away...yet he is still friends with his ex wife. He would pay someone to do his share of responsibilities before he feels like he is entitled to do so.

He sounds like a complete and total ass then. I'm sorry. I'm offended for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm your husband's age (early 50's) and no way am I that "old".

You sound as though you are talking about a difficult elderly dad.

I'm PP @8:35 and no, it's not "difficult elderly dad" - it's insecure controlling asshole. He could very easily be her age and pull the same shit. What you see with these age differentials, is that oftentimes these controlling assholes (and there are plenty of women among them - see the guy in the "My Wife Hates Me" thread") choose inexperienced (younger) partners who don't recognize and call them out on their BS (or their real peers just won't have anything to do with them), and aren't equipped to stand up to it.

I'm an older (mid-40s) guy with a brand new younger DW (mid-30s) and our first child (both of us) ever, and I'm as (or more) youthful than DW. We also both have learned from our pasts being with abusive|user controlling people to not put up with BS from each other (and neither of us is really insecure and controlling).

Where are you seeing "abusive" in the Op's posts? The yogurt thing is - annoying and know it all-sh. The yelling about leaving insurance/registration info on the table at home during a traffic stop - it's actually kind of understandable why he was irritated that his wife had left those important papers at home.

Even the Op points to age as the reason for this guy being irritable.

Please keep in mind, that the wife left those papers at home because the wife went into labor and was not driving prior to because I was shopping/switching insurance. The fact that he wouldn't accept that he would have never gotten pulled over had he not being backing up a one way street!!! That's the illegal act that cause him to get stop! The police never asked for the insurance information.

Yes. I get it, these things happen. He was likely stressed (as most people would be) by being pulled over and felt thrown off/embarrassed by it. Not having the papers just increased his anxiety.

Has he always been like this or is this a personality change? Did he used to be more laid backand considerate, accepting of your friends/family? Or has he always been like this?

No way!!!! If it started like this I would have been out of it long ago! He use to be much more laid back. Although he never really liked when I would go out with my friends. My solution to that was suggesting that he took me out. We use to always go out in the beginning. I often look back at photos and trinkets and wonder what the hell happen. He is at work allll day! I have dinner prepared. Some times he may come in the house and say that he had meat for lunch and if I cooked meat he won't eat. Like that's rude and inconsiderate. I talk to you throughout the day, so you have the chance to give me a heads up on what you've had for lunch. Just selfish- and self absorbed!

Did your lifestyle change when your baby was born? It is not unusual for couples to stop going out as much once they have a baby...

Of course our lifestyle would change. We had a nanny for 3 years. There was plenty of time to do a lunch date, movie or something. We do nothing. We don't even watch movies at home if our kid is sleeping. Like today... I stayed in the room all day along with the newborn to prevent any arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50 and I enjoy going out and doing things. But the idea of having a new baby at this age, working full time and having a much younger SAH spouse who complains that we don't go out enough anymore - seems sort of draining to me.

The guy is probably feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And irritable.

If he wasn't an abusive control freak 5 years ago, why would he be a control freak now?

I don't complain to him that we don't go out. It's another tthing I suppress. I just enjoy being able to do activities with my toddler and the families at school. I would like to have some time for just us. I doubt if he is overwhelmed. Most people wait on him hand and foot because he is the boss. 5 years ago I had my own everything. My own place, I worked, and I had my own vehicle. So of course he wasn't a control freak then. There would be no way in hell that I would have stayed around. Those were the fun days. I don't see how he is overwhelmed about the new baby. He probably have held the baby a total of 5 times.. But who's counting. No support my entire pregnancy. He went to 0 appointments went me... But who's monitoring. Yet he makes sure that he doesn't miss taking his female friend to her chemo appointments. During my pregnancy I tested positive of having a trait of Gaucher's disease. It's commonly found amongst Jews. Mao they wanted to test him as well for the baby's sake.. They gave me a kit, where all he had to do was literally spit in the tube.... Do you think he did it? He carried this test too work everyday. Yet you can make it a priority to take another woman to her appointments, take her out to lunch afterwards etc... It truly made me feel like shit my entire pregnancy. He pushed my family and friends away...yet he is still friends with his ex wife. He would pay someone to do his share of responsibilities before he feels like he is entitled to do so.

He sounds like a complete and total ass then. I'm sorry. I'm offended for you!

Please excuse any typos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm your husband's age (early 50's) and no way am I that "old".

You sound as though you are talking about a difficult elderly dad.

50s is pretty damn old.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the issue is less that he is 20 years older and more that he just is immature and an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about age, it's about incompatibility. If you're in your 30s it means your DH is in his fifties. My DH is 14 years older than me and in his 60s now, and wouldn't do a single one of these things - if anyone's likely to nag, it's me. So if you're in a bad place, look at the actual issues. Sounds like you either need counseling, or you have to decide to do the only thing you control - staying or leaving.

+1. I agree with this. This is not about him being 20 years older. It's about his personality. May be it is amplified with age and stress of kids but it's not pure age difference problem.

[Anonymous]

Most people mellow out and become more compassionate with age. Being a hypercritical micromanager has to do with his personality, not his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm your husband's age (early 50's) and no way am I that "old".

You sound as though you are talking about a difficult elderly dad.

50s is pretty damn old.

eh, some days it is and some days it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm your husband's age (early 50's) and no way am I that "old".

You sound as though you are talking about a difficult elderly dad.

I'm PP @8:35 and no, it's not "difficult elderly dad" - it's insecure controlling asshole. He could very easily be her age and pull the same shit. What you see with these age differentials, is that oftentimes these controlling assholes (and there are plenty of women among them - see the guy in the "My Wife Hates Me" thread") choose inexperienced (younger) partners who don't recognize and call them out on their BS (or their real peers just won't have anything to do with them), and aren't equipped to stand up to it.

I'm an older (mid-40s) guy with a brand new younger DW (mid-30s) and our first child (both of us) ever, and I'm as (or more) youthful than DW. We also both have learned from our pasts being with abusive|user controlling people to not put up with BS from each other (and neither of us is really insecure and controlling).

Totally agree.

I will admit I usually see big age difference couples and think "gross" cause I think there's usually a power dynamic at play- particularly the older men, younger woman dynamic seems like a beacon to men with power complexes.

However, there are plenty of lovely couples with an age difference that I have zero issue with. Relationships with mutual respect that just happen to have been born many years apart. Those relationships are fine.

Unfortunately for OP, sounds like she is in the "power dynamic" relationship. And, accordingly, she is the one without the power.

It sucks, cause a lot of women have been lured into these types of relationships, promised the world, when they were too young to realize what was happening. OP is certainly not the only one.