Is it OK to Have an Argument with my 95 year old Grandmother......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs, OP here. I was sort of kidding about the hit man thing . The thing is she is kinda of mean old lady. She's always been that way. But she is my only living grandmother and she does care for me and has done a lot for me and I do love her and wish to have some kind of relationship with her. I do try to be polite and not bring up hot button issues but the mom comments come from out of the blue and it's the one thing that really bothers me. I've mentioned to her respectfully but she just doesn't get it. Her response is always "But it's true!!!" which doesn't help any. My mother has been gone ten years, she wasn't perfect but I miss her very very much to this day.[/quote]

If she does care for you - say this to her. Perhaps she'll tone it down.

[Anonymous]

I give really old people a pass on a lot of things, but I think I would just say something like, "I know my Mom wasn't perfect, but I loved her and I miss her to this day." Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

True or not, I'd also tell her "you know, my mother never said one nasty thing about you" or "my mother always said you were tenacious- and you are- you don't let the topic of her hatred for her go! Even when repeatedly reminded and cautioned" and repeat a version of that, "she was a good woman", "rest her soul- she'll need it if she hears this", "if you take my mother's inventory I'll be obligated to take your son's" etc etc every time. I also don't call back people who hang up. Life's too short to deal with adult infants of any age.

I don't want to start a fight with an oldster but this is beyond the pale. She's literally 80 yrs beyond the age at which you learn to not speak ill of the dead in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I just wanted to say that I appreciate that you posted this thread - much more thought provoking and useful than most.

OP here and thanks for your kind thoughts. Just trying to figure out how to integrate extended family as opposed to phasing them out despite toxicity (Translation: how to stay in good with the machatunim and sleep at the same time)

[Anonymous]

Despite should have been 'for cause'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs, OP here. I was sort of kidding about the hit man thing . The thing is she is kinda of mean old lady. She's always been that way. But she is my only living grandmother and she does care for me and has done a lot for me and I do love her and wish to have some kind of relationship with her. I do try to be polite and not bring up hot button issues but the mom comments come from out of the blue and it's the one thing that really bothers me. I've mentioned to her respectfully but she just doesn't get it. Her response is always "But it's true!!!" which doesn't help any. My mother has been gone ten years, she wasn't perfect but I miss her very very much to this day.

I would end any conversation with her (nicely), when she does it. Sorry, Nana, but I get too upset when you talk about my mom like that. Then hang up, or leave, or whatever. I wouldn't argue. I would try not to get mad. But I would make sure that she knew it was not OK - if for no other reason - to show respect for my mom.

Sometimes old people just lose their filtering system. You can be nice and still be firm.