Would you rather your family were close-knit or high achieving?

[Anonymous]

This is a silly setup dichotomy. My family of origin was both very close and very high-achieving. We are a team. But my parents never demanded that we achieve certain things (Ivy, though we did anyway), only that we made our best effort. Our character was always the most important thing. And they showed that by never thinking themselves superior to people with less impressive resumes. So, the really nice lady at the flower shop was talked about just as positively as the college professor.

[Anonymous]

My life is a perfect study in this.

My husband's family relationships seem very superficial. They don't talk about very personal things, neither of his brothers is warm or caring (though my husband is a very caring person). They went to expensive high-ranking universities and make a lot of money (well, not my husband, but he has an ivy-league education), and prefer expensive restaurants and vacations. They are not terribly supportive of one another and I consider my brothers-in-law to be rather self-centered and lacking in compassion. My mother-in-law says all the right things, always nice and polite, but I think she's kind of full of shit.

On the other hand, my family is very close, all up in each other's stuff, very loving and demonstrative. My father made a very good living but we always ate and traveled on a budget. My siblings and I all went to state schools and now support ourselves comfortably in careers that we enjoy, ranging from art to medicine to engineering. We lean on each other regularly. I can't imagine it being any other way. I don't have a lot of respect for my husband's "successful" family because I think they're failures as human beings.

[Anonymous]

High acheiving - you can make your own connections outside of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Close knit without being too clannish or stand offish - if that is possible.

DH's family thinks they are close knit, but only when they want something. Also, they are very exclusionary, and proud of it. They are awkward and awful.

My family is high achieving, and usually close knit, though we don't have to live near each other to be close. I would feel terrible if my family needed to be located close by in order to be close - that would actually not be "close" at all, to me.

I understand what you are saying but respectfully disagree. My sister is my closest confidant outside of my DH, we are very close. I adore her and she's really just awesome (we have no other siblings) we are also both close with our parents and I'm sure our upbringing in an extended, immigrant family helped foster a lot of this. Character and hard work was important, not one's rank or status, since TBH my family didn't have much rank and status!

But my sister lives in Boston and I am here. Our lives have gotten pretty set with our spouses and jobs (and my DH job in particular). We talk a lot, we fly back and forth, we meet up in our hometown (middle ground driving distance), we are the ones who actually look forward to a summer beach house extended family rental because all IL and step siblings get a long well. But there is not a doubt in my mind that there is an even different kind of closeness that is achieved with proximity. Its because then seeing each other isn't about an event or a planned visit. It can be something as simple as "Hey I'm going hiking this weekend, I can pick up your son if he wants to come do that trail with me for 2 hours" or I have that dress you wanted to borrow, we can meet by your office so I can give it to you. Or getting to see your nephews' mid week tee ball game just because its a nice night and you want to see them.

No doubt I am close to my sister but we have a strong desire to live near each other because we have seen first hand that different kind of "close" that proximity can bring if you already have these relationships.

Proximity doesn't force it, it enhances it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High acheiving - you can make your own connections outside of family.

+1
Most definitely!

[Anonymous]

Close knit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High acheiving - you can make your own connections outside of family.

+1
Most definitely!

Of course! Ideally, most people want both. Great friends and great family!

[Anonymous]

My DH's family is high-achieving and close-knit.

I find this to be true for the other Asian immigrant families I know.
Partly this is because their parents had to struggle when immigrating, and they became close as a result.
Partly this is because of their culture of expecting much higher standards than those of the schools, creating a certain distance between their families and the other school families.

[Anonymous]

DH's family is not close knit, and they don't have much professional satisfaction. My family is quite close, and we all have careers we love and that pay for what we need.

I think you need to redefine "achievement." My guess is that if a family strives for high achieving kids (and the parents go after that, too) they will focus on grades and competition and schools and salaries. I think that eats away at family health, and is antithetical to my own values. But focusing on curiosity, hard work, kindness, service, and doing your best is likely to end up with close loving relationships AND careers that are meaningful and pay the bills. That is high achieving to me! Achieving in the best sense of the word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a silly setup dichotomy. My family of origin was both very close and very high-achieving. We are a team. But my parents never demanded that we achieve certain things (Ivy, though we did anyway), only that we made our best effort. Our character was always the most important thing. And they showed that by never thinking themselves superior to people with less impressive resumes. So, the really nice lady at the flower shop was talked about just as positively as the college professor.

+1

Us, too. You are not from the local area, right? People here (OP?) are really too shallow for me, and don't really have a grasp on what life is about. Too busy trying to compare where there is no comparison. Look at yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a silly setup at all. Sure, you could have both. But asking you which one you would want if you could only have one is a question about your priorities.

I've been thinking about this lately because my extended family specializes in brilliance but some dysfunction and competitiveness. One of my children is turning out at 10 to be of pretty average intelligence, but exceptionally kind. Unlike all of the rest of us in our clan, he is not growing up thinking he's better than everyone -- or even that being better than everyone is something to aim for. He is simply wonderful. I might rather have a whole extended family of folks like him.

[Anonymous]

Close knit!

Although the ideal in my view would be close knit first and mutually supportive next (to the end of encouraging achievement among group members).

My parents have snubbed a lot of family members for not being as achievement oriented as themselves. It has been very sad for me, and I am disgusted with the "only achievement matters" mentality. They are also unhappy, functioning alcoholics.