Would you rather your family were close-knit or high achieving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both. My family is and I love, love, love it.

+ 1/2

My family and extended family is very close knit. Cousins like siblings, aunts and uncles like parents, etc. The generations blur due to large families and age gaps in children. I love it. Only half of us are high achieving. But everyone chose their own path, everyone supported those choices and (almost) everyone is pretty darn happy.

[Anonymous]

Close knit. Daughter, sister, mother, etc on tombstone, not degree from Ivy

[Anonymous]

Though both would be great

[Anonymous]

my family is neither. Fantastically dysfunctional underachievers who never miss a chance to take petty swipes at me (the one successful kid) and spend all their time keeping track of who isn't talking to who this week and who said something nasty about them to someone else, etc. etc. While it's given me great fodder for a couple of books, it's not exactly something Id wish on (most) people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High achieving all the way - who needs closeness when you can wrap yourself in your dollar bills!

What a silly question - the way you framed it like they're opposites and leading to one "good answer". Maybe your question is how do you create closeness regardless in a family?

OP here. You are right, of course. The underlying issue is, really, how does one create both. It would be fatuous to ask simply which one is preferable -- everyone wants to strive for both. But I was trying to to come up with a post title. Thanks for posting at any rate.

[Anonymous]

I also come from a very high achieving family that is not close at all. Half the people can't stand each other. It makes me very very sad and I would always choose a close knit family over high achieving. I see people with big, warm, close knit families and feel so jealous.

[Anonymous]

I think lots of times in high achieving families, the parents can unwittingly set the kids against each other -- Why can't you be more like your brother? Do you know how much your sister earns?

Also, high achieving often means that you end up geographically spread out. We have doctors, lawyers, professors, etc. but everyone went to the best college and we all ended up in different parts of the country, married people from other parts of the country. We don't see each other much.

Finally, high achieving often means that kids go to high powered summer programs, etc. starting when they're 14 so you don't all spend summer together at the pool., etc. I am concerned about this with my own kids who are in college and already choosing the 'looks good on my resume summer job' in another city over living at home with mom and dad and their siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both. My family is and I love, love, love it.

+ 1.

In fact, I believe that the high achievement is because of the closeness. People don't do well in isolation, we need the village and the emotional support of belonging with a family - so that we can achieve.

OP here. What if there is an obsession with achievement?

Obsession indicates mental pathology. Mentally unhealthy people have a hard time maintaining relationships but can be technically brilliant. There's your answer, I think: therapy and medication for the underlying mental issues that are creating an unhealthy atmosphere in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both. My family is and I love, love, love it.

+ 1.

In fact, I believe that the high achievement is because of the closeness. People don't do well in isolation, we need the village and the emotional support of belonging with a family - so that we can achieve.

OP here. What if there is an obsession with achievement?

Obsession indicates mental pathology. Mentally unhealthy people have a hard time maintaining relationships but can be technically brilliant. There's your answer, I think: therapy and medication for the underlying mental issues that are creating an unhealthy atmosphere in your family.

Well, putting my entire extended family on medication would be a rather, um, baroque, undertaking unless I intend to poison the water supply.

[Anonymous]

Close knit, close knit, close knit!

We had money, high achievement, and misery. Neither my brother nor I live anywhere near my parents, and we aren't close to anyone in the family.

My cousins? Very little money, moderate achievement. Such a happy family. I've been jealous my whole life.

Rather have both, of course, but if I had to choose ...

[Anonymous]

Mine is both. I know I'm lucky.

[Anonymous]

Close knit. DH makes enough to go around.

[Anonymous]

Close knit for sure. My father sneers at my uncle's family also -- none of uncle's kids went to college, whereas my sister and I have advanced degrees. But uncle's family all live in the same town and are extremely close and constantly post pics on Facebook of them all hanging out together, whereas I talk to my dad maybe 2x/year. I envy the close relationship uncle has with his family. (Having that type of closeness with my father is impossible, for many reasons I won't get into here.)

I'm lucky that my sister and I have a close relationship and that our partners get along as well. Hopefully, she and I will be able to create a close knit group of cousins/aunts/uncles for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Close knit, close knit, close knit!

We had money, high achievement, and misery. Neither my brother nor I live anywhere near my parents, and we aren't close to anyone in the family.

My cousins? Very little money, moderate achievement. Such a happy family. I've been jealous my whole life.

Rather have both, of course, but if I had to choose ...

It is not that simple. You know that, right?

Often, there is jealousy, in close knit OR high achieving families. I do not think they are mutually exclusive, OP. Some people spend every waking moment with their families, to their detriment of their own success, perhaps.

That said, I have both on my side; and in DH's family, DH is the high achieving one. It causes problems, mostly with DH's mother, as DH could not marry anyone she would get along with - unless DH married spmeone exactly like her (a scary thought)! Instead, he married her opposite - so that tells you something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Close knit. DH makes enough to go around.

Really? You spend it all? Wow?