What to tell mil that wants to be my nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL offered this but quickly backed down when I pointed out she would have to come every day 5 days a week for 8-10 hours - no travelling, no spending every other month at her vacation home. I think she was just saying it because she liked the idea but had not thought it through in the slightest.

This. If you are at all interested in having her do it, sit down with her and show her what it really means. I actually like the part time idea, if you want her around at all. She could do nap time, and afternoon.

[Anonymous]

At 2.5 your kid will benefit from being around other kids at daycare. I would use that as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do what you think is best for your child OP. If daycare/preschool feels right then do that.

There will still be tons of days out for illness, or holidays, or just the shortened school day, or whatever... If you are comfortable with using your MIL for any level of care then you can frame all of this in terms of what is best for your child - in terms of socialization, relationship with her, solid childcare plan that includes her as the core back-up element, etc...

Supporting a wonderful ongoing relationship between grandparent and child can be the thing you stress with her. That is different that using a grandparent as primary childcare. No childcare solution is perfect - there are holes, emergencies, etc... for which the scramble to find coverage is extraordinarily stressful.

Set the grandmother up to the be hero for those times, not the ongoing day to day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her thanks, and sign DD up for a good part-time preschool. Your MIL can take care of her for the rest of the day.

If you want to lose control, let your MIL take care of your child. Don't do tjis, please

When my MIL was in the midst of retiring, her standard answer to anyone and everyone who asked about her post-retirement plans was that she would be "raising her grandchildren." Especially odd because I am a SAHM to her three grandchildren. Control, indeed. MIL never discussed with us and no, we did not and do not need assistance from her in raising our children. So many implications here.

Did make me aware of MIL's passive aggressive, selfish ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless your child is very social, I wouldn't recommend a daycare at this age.

One on one individual care is in his best interest. He has his whole life to socialize...Yet only a small window of time to be pampered and spoiled. Personal attention is a huge plus.

Interesting. I'm going to be taking a time away from work when I have my 2nd (it times out with a dead end job wrapping up) and I'm a little worried about having my then 2+ year old home when he's been in a small home daycare that he seems to love since he was 4 months. I don't know if he's extremely social but its clear he loves his little buddies there so much day-to-day.

FWIW OP, I like the poster's idea of 1/2 day preschool and afternoon nap and pick up being grandma's responsibility if you want that. I had my grandma as my after school care all growing up (remember that even Kinder was 1/2 day until the 80s in lots of places) and there is a really strong bond there because of it

[Anonymous]

There are benefits to having MIL watch DC on a part time basis, such as the bond mentioned by PP and the fact that he would spend part of the day with someone who "loved him to death."

I echo that you should find a part time preschool for the socialization, but allow MIL to do pick ups. My parents watch my niece and while they love doing it, it requires the same level of coordination as if they were SAH parents -- extra planning for doctor's appointments, can't meet up with friends easily, etc. In their case, my dad is as involved as my mom in the childcare so that lessens the burden substantially.

I have a friend who splits the week up, as another PP mentioned. Their DD goes to preschool 4 days a week but Fridays are spent with the grandparents. That seems to be working out well for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once she starts preschool there will be plenty of snow days, teacher professional development days, and holidays that you will need backup care. There will be lots of opportunities for your MIL to help with DD without being her full time nanny.

+1. And a 2.5 year old is very tiring - I can almost guarantee that even if she only has your DD on no-school days, she will be wiped out. 2.5 is a great age for preschool because they actually enjoy socializing.

[Anonymous]

Does the MIL have a husband? What does he think?

After 20+ exhausting years raising our own children, my DS is insisting on being the full-time (and free) caregiver to our young grandchildren and the parents are happy to oblige. I love everyone involved dearly, but this isn't what I signed up for. I am routinely advised that since I am not the one doing the work it's none of my business, with no one appreciating that having an exhausted and indentured wife who has no room in her life for spontanaity has no effect on me.

Please send your children to day care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interested in the This is What Works for our Family responders. Would you ask for help with sick days, snow days etc?

This. Don't come crying on DCUM when your MIL does not help you. Worse should yourself have an emergency... or catastrophic illness. You can check yourself into a hospice.

If your mil behaves this way, she's not worth it. It means she's petty, immature, and doesn't respect you.

Most rational people aren't all or nothing. My own FIL is currently freezing us out for similar reasons, and while it's painful, not to mention unnecessary drama, it won't change our minds. He doesn't respect our decision, which is for him to deal with.

[Anonymous]

If you think your child would be better off in daycare, do that. But consider whether the child would benefit being cared for even part time by the MIL -- we have an arrangement like that and it's been incredible. So much one-on-one attention reading books, traveling interesting places, and love only a relative can give. So think about it, but then do what you think is best.