Everything is Competitive These Days

[Anonymous]

I watched DS veer away from competitive sports and learned a lot from him. He discovered rock climbing, yoga, archery, and ballet---all activities where it's all about working with your own skills, not beating the other team.

He loves watching as the whole class of boys work in unison complete the ballet steps. I've seen him work to touch his toes without bending his knees. (It took forever!) He's sensitive to balance and struggles with his little scooter at the park.

He doesn't like the conflict or shit-talk of football, even though his build and strength would make him pretty valuable on any team.

He enjoys painting and puzzles. I think he's a great little kid and I applaud his decision to remove himself from competition. I have spoken to him about good sportsmanship, which I think is the central issue here. I wish coaches and leagues focused more on this than winning or star players.

I was really sad when my favorite stretch teacher at the gym left. She had done a brilliant job of creating a non-competitive atmosphere in her classes. She always gave multiple poses in yoga and pilates exercises at different levels, emphasizing the internal work and using one's own body. So, I hear where DS is coming from.

Last year, DS had a hard time with the boys in his class because they wanted to establish that they were the strongest before allowing him to play. He's the tallest, largest boy in his class by far. Most people are stunned to hear how old he is, he's really a big kid. Still, he's a gentle giant. He doesn't like how these boys needed to test their strength against him or beat him, win, in order to establish the ground rules for just playing around. I'm glad he's found good friends despite this. Not surprising that he found them outside of that group.

Like you, I also find a highly-competitive atmosphere undesirable, OP. We strive to be our best and measure ourselves against past performance, not others.

We don't like the competitive spirit, so we don't participate in that realm. I've seen how my children interact with their friends, and I am very proud of how easily they cheer on each of their buddies. There's no sense of competition to see who can be the best.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree. I want the doctor who does my heart surgery to have graduated from the least competitive program. If there's any stress or pressure then so what? Just take a break. Same with my jet pilot. Just put it on autopilot.
#loser

[Anonymous]

I gave birth to a child, not a race horse. The poster above is kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree. I want the doctor who does my heart surgery to have graduated from the least competitive program. If there's any stress or pressure then so what? Just take a break. Same with my jet pilot. Just put it on autopilot.
#loser

You're an example of someone who just doesn't get it. It's not about doing being smart, doing your best or working hard - all of those things can certainly be emphasized within a healthy home environment. The OP and some of us are rejecting the non-stop "keep up with the Joneses" attitude that is pervasive in this area. I know plenty of kids who are kicking ass in school and life despite not falling prey to your unhealthy attitude of getting ahead by pushing others out of the way. Besides, in my experience, the kids who have to put others down to make themselves feel or look better (whether in the classroom or on the field) are usually not as talented as they (and their parents!) like to believe they are...

[Anonymous]

No dear ones it's all about wanting to be in control. No stress no pressure = total control. Do you think a farmer ever felt total control? It's a by product of being self-centered and narcissistic. Everybody wants to rule the world and make it happen when we want it to happen.

Guess what?

Ain't gonna happen. Life comes at you fast. If you want to get off the Merry-Go- Round fine but rest assured it will move on without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny thing --- my kids have been watching Leave it to Beaver on Netflix and in one of the episodes, I heard Ward and June lamenting that competitiveness started before high school to get into college and do well in sports.

Kind of interesting that we think of this is some new issue when it was being discussed on a tv show set in the late 50's/early 60's/

The word isn't new, but how it plays out certainly reaches new heights every year. Ask any seasoned teacher.

It depends on where you went to HS. There have always been pockets of competitiveness- there are just more now. I went to HS in metro Boston and it was as competitive as my DC's here in McLean, if not more so. We had 23 NMF and 10% went Ivy- two dozen to Harvard alone out of a class of 625 (yes, many were children of professors, but they still had to get in). The top 20% took as many AP classes as they could. Class of 1982.

+1

I grew up in a close-in northern NJ suburb of Manhattan & graduated from high school in the mid-90s. The competition, stress & workload in high school (& even middle school) was insane. I've vowed to put my own kids' mental health first & to do what I can to discourage the rat race mentality early on.

Do you think being in the rat race helped those people achieve whatever goals they set (thus the reason for the stress and competition?)

Now some cases, maybe. In other cases, it caused them to be burned out before they even started college & become chronic underachievers as a result. I also knew kids who had nervous breakdowns in high school due to the stress & pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny thing --- my kids have been watching Leave it to Beaver on Netflix and in one of the episodes, I heard Ward and June lamenting that competitiveness started before high school to get into college and do well in sports.

Kind of interesting that we think of this is some new issue when it was being discussed on a tv show set in the late 50's/early 60's/

The word isn't new, but how it plays out certainly reaches new heights every year. Ask any seasoned teacher.

It depends on where you went to HS. There have always been pockets of competitiveness- there are just more now. I went to HS in metro Boston and it was as competitive as my DC's here in McLean, if not more so. We had 23 NMF and 10% went Ivy- two dozen to Harvard alone out of a class of 625 (yes, many were children of professors, but they still had to get in). The top 20% took as many AP classes as they could. Class of 1982.

+1

I grew up in a close-in northern NJ suburb of Manhattan & graduated from high school in the mid-90s. The competition, stress & workload in high school (& even middle school) was insane. I've vowed to put my own kids' mental health first & to do what I can to discourage the rat race mentality early on.

Do you think being in the rat race helped those people achieve whatever goals they set (thus the reason for the stress and competition?)

Now some cases, maybe. In other cases, it caused them to be burned out before they even started college & become chronic underachievers as a result. I also knew kids who had nervous breakdowns in high school due to the stress & pressure.

^ Now should be In

[Anonymous]

Things are so much more competitive now because the share of the pie is rapidly shrinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. For example, my tweens might be interested in trying out a sport, but it seems that everyone has been doing it since day 1, so starting out now is hard. In my hometown, in the dark ages, there was basically one league per sport, and every team had a range of abilities, so it was easier for kids to move in and out of sports.

Failing is good for them. So is disappointment.

That's what govt jobs are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. For example, my tweens might be interested in trying out a sport, but it seems that everyone has been doing it since day 1, so starting out now is hard. In my hometown, in the dark ages, there was basically one league per sport, and every team had a range of abilities, so it was easier for kids to move in and out of sports.

Failing is good for them. So is disappointment.

That's what govt jobs are for.

and union jobs

[Anonymous]

I agree - particularly in this area. I put my daughter on the swim team in the neighborhood at the advanced age of 8. Totally turned her off. Kids who had been swimming since the age of 3 were yelling at her not to linger on the wall and turn quickly, Didn't want her on the relay team because she was too "slow" and on and on. These kids had been put on the team since very young ages.

Yuck. Too competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree - particularly in this area. I put my daughter on the swim team in the neighborhood at the advanced age of 8. Totally turned her off. Kids who had been swimming since the age of 3 were yelling at her not to linger on the wall and turn quickly, Didn't want her on the relay team because she was too "slow" and on and on. These kids had been put on the team since very young ages.

Yuck. Too competitive.

Yeah, this is my big concern. I like the idea of participating in team sports -- something I never had an opportunity to do as a kid because my mother didn't think girls should do sports. But I think that the younger elementary years should really be for playing, hanging out, developing that independence and basic social skills that come from unstructured play, etc. But I feel like if I don't get my kid doing sports now, they won't be able to do sports at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, the best thing you can do is look at each child's passion and natural talent. No matter what it is, allow them to run with it! But at their own pace. If kids are allowed to pursue their passions, they will become interesting. Their resume will stand out. Maybe all your kid cares about is playing video games. Great! There's something he's passionate about! I'm not saying to let him veg out in front of the XBox all summer, but maybe he would be interested in a video game design class or something?

DD started taking dance when she was 4. She would go for awhile and then quit when she felt like it. I would only make her finish out the month we had already paid for. She eventually quit altogether and tried various other sports. When she was about 8, she asked to go back to dance. While she wanted to stick with it this time, she lacked passion and often complained about going to class. Over time, she got more and more passionate about it. By 7th grade, she asked to be on the competition team. She lives and breathes dance. It's what she loves and she can't get enough of it. She is very good and will probably get dance scholarships. My point is that if we had forced her to stick with dance at a young age, thinking she had to excel at SOMETHING, i really don't think she would have the passion and the drive that she has today. Also, if we had refused to sign her up again out of fear that she would just quit again, she would be missing out on something that is truly special to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree. I want the doctor who does my heart surgery to have graduated from the least competitive program. If there's any stress or pressure then so what? Just take a break. Same with my jet pilot. Just put it on autopilot.
#loser

DC area is perfect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree. I want the doctor who does my heart surgery to have graduated from the least competitive program. If there's any stress or pressure then so what? Just take a break. Same with my jet pilot. Just put it on autopilot.
#loser

DC area is perfect for you.

+1000 Yup.