Did you marry up or down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH jokes that he married me for my (family's) money.

Both of our dads are self-made and both grew up in poverty (though we've figured out that my dad's family was worse off, relatively speaking) but my dad did better financially due to slow, steady savings, investments and a terminal degree.

DH's family still show their roots - most evident socially and in lifestyle choices and in their attitude towards money (never enough, scrimp/save, super cautious).

I grew up upper middle class (but with not so many frills/obvious displays of wealth) and DH had a different experience with a mom working a blue collar job, dad in a white collar job. Funny because both my MIL and Mom are obsessed with wealth and class; MIL wants to appear "rich" and aspires to obtain more and more trappings of wealth, whereas my mom glories in the few "fancy" things she has and talks about how hard she and my dad worked to obtain this success.

Class distinction. Class and money are very different.

[Anonymous]

IL's are more educated, but not nice human beings, generally. My family is warm, welcoming, talkative, vibrant, alive and engaging. My family happens to also be rich. If I had to choose, I would choose nicer human beings any day of the week. So in that regard, DH married up. Which is funny, because everyone assumes it is his money. No, its really funny.

[Anonymous]

I married sideways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Down financially and intellectually. Up emotionally.

Boy, you sound like a catch.

[Anonymous]

Pretty equal, although his family overall is probably slightly higher on the socioeconomic scale. His parents are more educated than my parents (his dad is an engineer and his mom is a nurse, while my dad only graduated high school and my mom went back and got her BA when I was in high school). I'd say his family was a little better off, financially, than mine was, but not wealthy by any measure. And they were very similar in terms of values and behaviors--neither family places a lot of emphasis on material things, family is highly valued, parents very supportive of their children's education. When our parents get together, they get along pretty well, and it's clear that they have a lot in common (and I don't mean interests and hobbies--they don't).

My husband and I are pretty equal in terms of education (we both have advanced degrees of some kind) and we actually make about the same amount of money now (he'll eventually end up making more than I do, since I'm a bit mommy-tracked these days). I didn't set out to make an equal marriage, but it does avoid a certain kind of stress.

[MaxwellSmart]

We both have strengths and weaknesses, but I would say it was a lateral move for both of us. We laterally didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to pour it out of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IL's are more educated, but not nice human beings, generally. My family is warm, welcoming, talkative, vibrant, alive and engaging. My family happens to also be rich. If I had to choose, I would choose nicer human beings any day of the week. So in that regard, DH married up. Which is funny, because everyone assumes it is his money. No, its really funny.

why do people assume that it's his money and why does that seem to amuse you? You also seem resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Down, by every measure. I would have responded differently if it had been a happy marriage because I (quite naively, I guess) didn't see the power (financial, cultural, family) differences as relevant. Still, very confused as to why it ended up mattering so very much.

My husband married up and got really angry about it. Soiled the marriage. Just wrecked it.

Me too. Not to generalize, but social classes in the US see the world completely differently. And it does not necessarily have to do with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UP! DH's family is full of lawyers, doctors, biologists. My family is most rednecks, mechanics, miners, bootleggers.

It has more to do with behaviors, and how you treat others, no?

I've known some blue collar people that show more class than "lawyers, doctors, biologists"...though my family has both.

well remember that in the DC area there is a ton of immigrants who back in their countries were lawyers doctors nurses scientists accountants etc whose credits or education didnt transfer over and they are now mechanics laborers construction workers waiters because credits or degrees did not transfer so yes they do have class. Class is just a manner of upbringing, education, polite skills, moral, ethical, etc. As a matter of fact an ivy educated american cdc director here woman was a huge pervert to animals and children with her classless boyfriend it made the news so just because she had a high ranking position doesn't make one more 'classy'. Take a look at other millionaires or educated actors who also have degrees from ivies in hollywood.