Did you marry up or down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an odd question, very old-fashioned way of looking at things, sort of the way my grandmother looked at marriages and evaluated them. Strange that it surfaces here and now.

I wonder if OP is trying to figure out how others deal with differences in background within marriages. My DH came from a lower middle class background, and I come from an upper middle class background. Neither of our families had money, but my relatives are wealthy, and DH's relatives are impecunious drunken brawlers.

It has definitely caused stress within our marriage, if that's your question, OP? But we've been married a long time and have long since worked these things out.

The sad part is that my in-laws are still resentful of me. Whenever we're around each other, they say passive-aggressive nasty things to me. I love to eat at nice restaurants, love to cook. Whenever we take them out to a nice restaurant, MIL always says something about how she loves Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Last time we had her over for dinner, she raved about how much she loves Fritos and Doritos, and how much DH used to eat them when he was young. "But there are no Doritos in THIS house," she said. That's the tip of the iceburg, but you get the idea.

In the end, I just gave up, and we no longer see them regularly. That's a loss for our kids, who have no other grandparents, but the stress of dealing with all that class resentment (not on my part), was wearing me down, so DH agreed that we don't have to see them, except for short visits when I can tolerate them. He's used to their BS, but I really can't take it.

Nothing I can do about their resentment, but it's something I wish I didn't have to deal with. There are times when I wish DH and I were from the same background, but if that were the case, my MIL would find something else to find fault with. I think she didn't want anyone to marry her son, that's the bottom line.

Rant over.

Invite them over and serve them chili frito pie for dinner. You couldn't lighten up just a little? They probably did the Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Frito, Doritos bit on purpose because they knew deep down it made you cringe.

[Anonymous]

Im first generation relatives were rich descended from spaniard andalusians descended prince of spain relatives back home owned a movie theatre line of businesses eateries lot of business people. American life didnt go so well lot of american greed dog eat dog style greed fam didnt do well financially struggled to pay post grad education no good career advice engaged to doctor now.

[Anonymous]

Down in terms of family background and education, but euqal in terms of our individual attributes.

My family is very accomplished - parents and extended family went to Ivies, all have advanced degrees, well travelled, eat well, generally urbane and sophisticated.

DH's family is deeply ordinary. However both DH and I are very well educated, have advanced degrees (met at grad school), and have the same tastes etc. DH has definitely moved up in the world and likes spending time with my family more than his. Which is just as well bc his parents and family drive me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Not really related to the subject heading. This is gonna sound fake, but your post helped me realize my annoying behavior!
Thank you. Your description of your MIL's comments regarding fancy restaurants etc just hit me and made me I realize I do that (an my mom does too)! Ugh.
My sister in law (husband's brother's wife) comes from lots of money. I like her a lot and enjoy her company. Some of her choices seem frivolous to me and I have made observational comments to my husband about her choices (expensive clothes/accessories, routinely buying an expensive drink/food item only to not like it and throw 75% of it away - in my world you are careful about what you buy and or eat it anyway). I don't think of it as gossip, but I comment on this and it is very judgmental and passive aggressive, something I generally try to remain aware of in my behavior - but completely missed.
I also realize my mom makes similar comments (and it bugs me) ....It comes from a desire/need to demonstrate the value of being wise with money, an attempt to counter-act not having money and a mindset that you can't waste. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:It's an odd question, very old-fashioned way of looking at things, sort of the way my grandmother looked at marriages and evaluated them. Strange that it surfaces here and now.

I wonder if OP is trying to figure out how others deal with differences in background within marriages. My DH came from a lower middle class background, and I come from an upper middle class background. Neither of our families had money, but my relatives are wealthy, and DH's relatives are impecunious drunken brawlers.

It has definitely caused stress within our marriage, if that's your question, OP? But we've been married a long time and have long since worked these things out.

The sad part is that my in-laws are still resentful of me. Whenever we're around each other, they say passive-aggressive nasty things to me. I love to eat at nice restaurants, love to cook. Whenever we take them out to a nice restaurant, MIL always says something about how she loves Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Last time we had her over for dinner, she raved about how much she loves Fritos and Doritos, and how much DH used to eat them when he was young. "But there are no Doritos in THIS house," she said. That's the tip of the iceburg, but you get the idea.

In the end, I just gave up, and we no longer see them regularly. That's a loss for our kids, who have no other grandparents, but the stress of dealing with all that class resentment (not on my part), was wearing me down, so DH agreed that we don't have to see them, except for short visits when I can tolerate them. He's used to their BS, but I really can't take it.

Nothing I can do about their resentment, but it's something I wish I didn't have to deal with. There are times when I wish DH and I were from the same background, but if that were the case, my MIL would find something else to find fault with. I think she didn't want anyone to marry her son, that's the bottom line.

Rant over.

[Anonymous]

A little bit down. His parents are less educated than mine, and have less money, but we're both from middle class families and he and I are educated to the same degree.

[Anonymous]

Married "across"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do ppl really think this way???!

Why label ppl for past things which they are not responsible for....who controls what situation they are born into, and what's the point of talking about it?! Smh

Because it's relevant. I'll give you an example. My family was middle class four or five generations ago. My husband's parents were the first generation to rise from working class to middle class. This has resulted in my husband not having a long term view of savings and investments - no one in his family ever had any extra money. He's an immediate gratifier. I'm a saver, and was raised knowing that one of my duties was to pass money on to the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Down - IQ wise.

[Anonymous]

Up, in terms of "family money." DH comes from money in that his ancestors were loaded. Most of that money is tied up in trusts though and although we know DH will inherit some significant amount eventually, we don't know when or how much.

Down, in terms of earned income. My dad earned way more money each year than either of DH's parents, but there wasn't "family money" in my family.

[Anonymous]

same-both upper middle class. Fathers are college educated, moms less so but had careers after being SAHMs. College paid for, some debt for grad school but all loans paid off. We have the same expectations and styles when it comes to money management. We never live beyond our means. Money definitely breeds money. We are omfortably in the 5% now.

[Anonymous]

I married up in terms of class. DW was raised in an upper middle class home. I was poor. Like trailer park poor. In terms of income, DW married up. I make nearly 250K more than she does a year when she decides to work (she intermittently is a SAHM). So, YMMV on this question.

[Anonymous]

My DH jokes that he married me for my (family's) money.

Both of our dads are self-made and both grew up in poverty (though we've figured out that my dad's family was worse off, relatively speaking) but my dad did better financially due to slow, steady savings, investments and a terminal degree.

DH's family still show their roots - most evident socially and in lifestyle choices and in their attitude towards money (never enough, scrimp/save, super cautious).

I grew up upper middle class (but with not so many frills/obvious displays of wealth) and DH had a different experience with a mom working a blue collar job, dad in a white collar job. Funny because both my MIL and Mom are obsessed with wealth and class; MIL wants to appear "rich" and aspires to obtain more and more trappings of wealth, whereas my mom glories in the few "fancy" things she has and talks about how hard she and my dad worked to obtain this success.

[Anonymous]

UP! DH's family is full of lawyers, doctors, biologists. My family is most rednecks, mechanics, miners, bootleggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's just say my husband married up.

+1

Every time I see his family, it reminds me, unfortunately. Burping out loud (really, really loud) just to see the reaction of the person next to you; and picking your teeth, for a really long time (about ten minutes), with your finger, looking at what came out, talking about it - often, yeah that bugs me. Just a couple examples. They love to rub it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UP! DH's family is full of lawyers, doctors, biologists. My family is most rednecks, mechanics, miners, bootleggers.

It has more to do with behaviors, and how you treat others, no?

I've known some blue collar people that show more class than "lawyers, doctors, biologists"...though my family has both.