So many negative mother/MIL posts!

[Anonymous]

Are you being kind? Are you being loving? Are you being forgiving?

DIL or MIL, doesn't matter. If you can't say yes to these three things you are doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you being kind? Are you being loving? Are you being forgiving?

DIL or MIL, doesn't matter. If you can't say yes to these three things you are doing it wrong.

+1

Add to that *respectful* - as in mutual respect. There is *no* Queen Bee in the family. Period. Give and take, not just when it suits you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

+1. DIL here who gets along great with parents and in-laws. However, I also think that DIL's have to realize that they married into a family that had its own protocols and norms. I knew that I maried into family that was close and DH knew the same thing when he married. And while the immediate family is a higher priority than the extended one, one should not be forced to choose between the two ALL THE TIME. There are certain situations where I "rate higher" than his mother, father and siblings - most of them. But there are also situations where I need to fall back and allow him to be a son and a brother and vice versa. Sometimes I will not like it or may not agree, but I owe it to my DH to let him try and be the best son and brother I can be. And because I have not thrown up random boundaries, when I do put my foot down, there is NEVER a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

+1. DIL here who gets along great with parents and in-laws. However, I also think that DIL's have to realize that they married into a family that had its own protocols and norms. I knew that I maried into family that was close and DH knew the same thing when he married. And while the immediate family is a higher priority than the extended one, one should not be forced to choose between the two ALL THE TIME. There are certain situations where I "rate higher" than his mother, father and siblings - most of them. But there are also situations where I need to fall back and allow him to be a son and a brother and vice versa. Sometimes I will not like it or may not agree, but I owe it to my DH to let him try and be the best son and brother I can be. And because I have not thrown up random boundaries, when I do put my foot down, there is NEVER a problem

Yay for you. Unfortunately not all families and their issues fall into this neat scheme of things. I bent over backwards to include my husbands family in our wedding, so much so that we had it in his country of origin and my family all had to schlep there transatlantic. I have recently found out that MIL told DH on our wedding day "A mother gains a son when her daughter marries and loses a son when her son marries". She is a hurtful bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

I plan on being welcoming to them in my home and not being crass and rude around them.
I plan on being thankful for their interest in our lives instead of forever complaining that they're not doing enough.
I plan on showing interest in the grandchildren beyond an occasional "like" of a facebook picture.
I plan on listening when they talk, and not constantly do things they say they don't like.
I plan on respecting them as people enough to respect their home, and rules, and family.

When I speak negatively about my MIL, it's because she does not treat DH or me the way that adults treat each other. It goes beyond "she's kind of annoying" and has approached the territory of "she's an absolute lunatic who is doing nothing to maintain a relationship". So I'm over it. And I think she's a bitch. And if it didn't matter to my husband I would have absolutely no contact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

+1. DIL here who gets along great with parents and in-laws. However, I also think that DIL's have to realize that they married into a family that had its own protocols and norms. I knew that I maried into family that was close and DH knew the same thing when he married. And while the immediate family is a higher priority than the extended one, one should not be forced to choose between the two ALL THE TIME. There are certain situations where I "rate higher" than his mother, father and siblings - most of them. But there are also situations where I need to fall back and allow him to be a son and a brother and vice versa. Sometimes I will not like it or may not agree, but I owe it to my DH to let him try and be the best son and brother I can be. And because I have not thrown up random boundaries, when I do put my foot down, there is NEVER a problem

Yay for you. Unfortunately not all families and their issues fall into this neat scheme of things. I bent over backwards to include my husbands family in our wedding, so much so that we had it in his country of origin and my family all had to schlep there transatlantic. I have recently found out that MIL told DH on our wedding day "A mother gains a son when her daughter marries and loses a son when her son marries". She is a hurtful bitch.

You know..,you could have made your point without disparaging my equally valid point. But then again, I guess I am wrong for expecting people on DCUM to disagree with dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

Not acting like an overbearing psycho is a good first step.

Oh, okay. So none of you play even the tiniest part in all this relationship dysfunction? You're not at all accountable? And yet you complain about how un self-aware your mothers and MILs are? Good luck with that as you grow older and become the reviled crone.

I'm sorry that you hate your MIL, grannie, but get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

Not acting like an overbearing psycho is a good first step.

Oh, okay. So none of you play even the tiniest part in all this relationship dysfunction? You're not at all accountable? And yet you complain about how un self-aware your mothers and MILs are? Good luck with that as you grow older and become the reviled crone.

I'm sorry that you hate your MIL, grannie, but get over it.

Ha, that should've read DIL

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of people come on here to vent about stupid little things that they would never talk to their spouses or even friends about. I love my ILs but sometimes my MIL irritates the crap out of me and I would never tell anyone about it but I want to get it out somehow and this seems like a good place to do that. Of course then I get people telling me I'm a bitch but whatever…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

I plan on being welcoming to them in my home and not being crass and rude around them.
I plan on being thankful for their interest in our lives instead of forever complaining that they're not doing enough.
I plan on showing interest in the grandchildren beyond an occasional "like" of a facebook picture.
I plan on listening when they talk, and not constantly do things they say they don't like.
I plan on respecting them as people enough to respect their home, and rules, and family.

When I speak negatively about my MIL, it's because she does not treat DH or me the way that adults treat each other. It goes beyond "she's kind of annoying" and has approached the territory of "she's an absolute lunatic who is doing nothing to maintain a relationship". So I'm over it. And I think she's a bitch. And if it didn't matter to my husband I would have absolutely no contact with her.

+1

Amen.

My MIL forgets, rather conveniently, how old DH is. MIL thinks she can still tell DH what to do, ignore his needs, and leave him out, unless it suits her. DH married me *because* I am the opposite of MIL. Thankfully.

[Anonymous]

This is,an anonymous forum for people to bitch about people. People in happy and healthy relationships don't post about them.