No one ever invites us over to their house

[Anonymous]

I don't invite kids who are I'll behaved and cause damage to the house or make a huge mess.

Those kids roam around rooms they are not allowed in and go though our stuff, break things, climb on our very expensive leather couch in their shoes, leave dirty hand prints on walls, dents on wall, feel free to throw left over food on the floors and spill drinks.

My friend's DD at the age of 3-4 while at someone's house brought a watering can full of water into the living room and dumped it onto hardwood floors.

So when mothers are not able to supervise their kids and set limits, I don't invite them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your house huge and perfect? Sometimes people feel intimidated when they think their own home is too messy, not big enough or otherwise wanting.

+1 that's what I was thinking. Or, even if the home is modest, if it's "perfect"--no mess, etc. It raises the bar for the other couple. Mess up your place a little when you invite the next time.

This is true. I have a SAHM mom whom I love and they are awesome people, but her home is SPOTLESS and her food is AMAZING and her presentation is restaurant-like. When they come over, I feel so much stress from cleaning nonstop, trying to figure out the perfect menu, trying to make sure all the plates that match are clean, etc. I do reciprocate their offers, but I'm also much more likely to ask another friend of mine over who is equally messy as me (we're not slobs, but just... average?). I know I can tell her "hey come on over for some frozen TJ's snacks and some wine, but oh by the way, my kitchen is dirty and my living room has play dough and rice on the floor and I don't have time to clean it up before you come over."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How well behaved are your children?

Absolutely this. I host play dates at my house regularly, but one of my close friends is a more hands-off type of parent and the last several times she brought her two kids over (3 and 5), they broke various toys, climbed on the arms of my furniture with shoes on and jumped off (which I do not allow my kids to do), pried open the babygate at the stairs and raced up to the bedrooms (after repeatedly being told they couldnt go upstairs), requiring me and friend to go chasing after all the kids in the part of the house that was not "guest ready," which embarrassed me. My friend has a different parenting style and I'm okay with that on neutral territory, but when they are at my house I feel totally put out. I really like spending time with this friend and my daughter likes playing with her kids, but they destroy my house and cross boundaries that I don't like. So now I avoid having them over and we meet at activities or parks. I'm done replacing my kids toys after every playdate.

OP here. My kids are well behaved. We keep a clean house and pick up after playing. Our kids do not jump on furniture and we take shoes off in the house. They do not go around breaking toys and furniture. Our kids have not had much time to misbehave since they have been on very few play dates at other people's homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How well behaved are your children?

Absolutely this. I host play dates at my house regularly, but one of my close friends is a more hands-off type of parent and the last several times she brought her two kids over (3 and 5), they broke various toys, climbed on the arms of my furniture with shoes on and jumped off (which I do not allow my kids to do), pried open the babygate at the stairs and raced up to the bedrooms (after repeatedly being told they couldnt go upstairs), requiring me and friend to go chasing after all the kids in the part of the house that was not "guest ready," which embarrassed me. My friend has a different parenting style and I'm okay with that on neutral territory, but when they are at my house I feel totally put out. I really like spending time with this friend and my daughter likes playing with her kids, but they destroy my house and cross boundaries that I don't like. So now I avoid having them over and we meet at activities or parks. I'm done replacing my kids toys after every playdate.

OP here. My kids are well behaved. We keep a clean house and pick up after playing. Our kids do not jump on furniture and we take shoes off in the house. They do not go around breaking toys and furniture. Our kids have not had much time to misbehave since they have been on very few play dates at other people's homes.

Glad to hear this is not the reason!

(And this is not at all to suggest you don't know, but your post just reminded me - my friend has no awareness of the broken toys. I've only ever discovered them when cleaning up after a playdate and then felt too awkward to bring it up randomly.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your house huge and perfect? Sometimes people feel intimidated when they think their own home is too messy, not big enough or otherwise wanting.

+1 that's what I was thinking. Or, even if the home is modest, if it's "perfect"--no mess, etc. It raises the bar for the other couple. Mess up your place a little when you invite the next time.

This is true. I have a SAHM mom whom I love and they are awesome people, but her home is SPOTLESS and her food is AMAZING and her presentation is restaurant-like. When they come over, I feel so much stress from cleaning nonstop, trying to figure out the perfect menu, trying to make sure all the plates that match are clean, etc. I do reciprocate their offers, but I'm also much more likely to ask another friend of mine over who is equally messy as me (we're not slobs, but just... average?). I know I can tell her "hey come on over for some frozen TJ's snacks and some wine, but oh by the way, my kitchen is dirty and my living room has play dough and rice on the floor and I don't have time to clean it up before you come over."

OP here. I guess our house is pretty clean most of the time and then I step it up a notch when we expect company. Even when we don't have company, DH likes to keep a clean home. Our floors and carpets are always immaculate. I like to keep a clean kitchen. We make the kids clean up their art supplies and toys after they are done playing. When the kids wait for their friends to come over, I ask them to put away any stray toys while I prepare snacks and/or a meal depending on the time. I always put out a nice display of food. Maybe my efforts are backfiring on us. Even if we weren't expecting company, our house is clean. DH used to be a neat freak when we were dating. Our house is much bigger so everything can't be perfectly organized but it is always clean.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP with the TJs frozen apps and wine! We do this with a few other couples with kids. Come over, house any perfect, order a pizza etc. I don't have time in my life for an immaculate house or over the top production of food. OP maybe invite these friends over for something super casual like pizza & movie night and don't try as hard for everything to be perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the PP with the TJs frozen apps and wine! We do this with a few other couples with kids. Come over, house any perfect, order a pizza etc. I don't have time in my life for an immaculate house or over the top production of food. OP maybe invite these friends over for something super casual like pizza & movie night and don't try as hard for everything to be perfect.

I am not putting out anything fancy - fruit, goldfish, cheese and crackers. I also like to serve TJ food; we love TJ's mac n cheese balls, banana bread and macarons. I may use nice dishes for a better presentation but the food I am putting out is nothing out of the ordinary. I always offer wine to be polite.

[Anonymous]

It could be that your clean house is off-putting to others that feel that their lives are more chaotic.

OR it could just be the luck of the draw---you happen to be in classes with people who are busy, introverted, maxed out with current friendships, or all of the above.
I've been in DC for about 7 years and through preschool and now public school and have probably met 100 families on an acquaintance level. Out of those 100, exactly 3 have become good friends that we hang out in each others' homes.
I feel like the stars aligned in each case--we both wanted friends, our kids got along, our lifestyle and entertaining style are the same, we are naturally comfortable with each other, etc.

[Anonymous]

It's not you, it's me - I suck at hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the PP with the TJs frozen apps and wine! We do this with a few other couples with kids. Come over, house any perfect, order a pizza etc. I don't have time in my life for an immaculate house or over the top production of food. OP maybe invite these friends over for something super casual like pizza & movie night and don't try as hard for everything to be perfect.

I am not putting out anything fancy - fruit, goldfish, cheese and crackers. I also like to serve TJ food; we love TJ's mac n cheese balls, banana bread and macarons. I may use nice dishes for a better presentation but the food I am putting out is nothing out of the ordinary. I always offer wine to be polite.

I'm confused. You asked why. PP offered a possible explanation. Now you are coming up with all these reasons why that can't possibly be it.

Regardless of how you feel about it, setting out a display of food in your matching, nicer dishes seems a bit too much for a simple playdate. Most people are too busy/tired (or just don't want) to spend their time running to the grocery store, getting out nice dishes, prepping food ahead of time, making sure their house is immaculate for a playdate. If you do that every time you have someone over, they naturally assume you will expect the same if they were to have you over. So they don't invite you. And maybe they invite the last person who had them over for a playdate in their just-clean-enough house and grabbed a bag of goldfish from the cabinet and threw some in a bowl mid-playdate only after the kids started asking for food. Less pressure to be perfect with that mom. And less time spent preparing for the playdate.

It sort of feels like you are humble bragging about how nice you keep your house and how put together you are because you set out a nice display of food and offer wine. Congrats if that makes you happy. But it doesn't necessarily make you friends.

[Anonymous]

It's because people are busy. That's all. Don't think they do not like you or your children. They like them just fine.

When I was a SAHM for a few months and then a Part-Time worker in a brand new city where I knew no-one, I hosted a ton. The people who invited us back were also new to town, and as it happens there were many of them, mostly with a SAH or PT working parent. Those were the people looking for new friends and had the time to invest in making them.

I'm not a FT working parent. Do I invite anyone new over? Not really. I'm busy and have two children who are in before and after school care. I hardly get a chance to really meet anyone anymore, and I'm so far behind in hosting closer friends that "new" folks almost never get a shot in my schedule That's the truth.

Sometimes a 50+ job and two kids (even with no commute, since I work from home) really truly is a suck fest.

[Anonymous]

PP, here. EDIT in bold.

Anonymous wrote:It's because people are busy. That's all. Don't think they do not like you or your children. They like them just fine.

When I was a SAHM for a few months and then a Part-Time worker in a brand new city where I knew no-one, I hosted a ton. The people who invited us back were also new to town, and as it happens there were many of them, mostly with a SAH or PT working parent. Those were the people looking for new friends and had the time to invest in making them.

I'm now a FT working parent. Do I invite anyone new over? Not really. I'm busy and have two children who are in before and after school care. I hardly get a chance to really meet anyone anymore, and I'm so far behind in hosting closer friends that "new" folks almost never get a shot in my schedule That's the truth.

Sometimes a 50+ job and two kids (even with no commute, since I work from home) really truly is a suck fest.

[Anonymous]

true for me too - except people don't accept my invites. Super polite and nice, but just say, "yes, we have to get together sometime . . ."

So I am going to have another baby. I can LITERALLY make my own friends. Perhaps they aren't great conservationists, but they want me around them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, please don't take this personally. It is just so much work to have people over. You have to clean (no cleaning person), shop for food, prepare food, get drinks, etc. I love to entertain, but it is a lot of effort I don't always have time for. I don't want people over at a messy house or feed them frozen pizza. We are not SAH anything. We work and have activities and house projects, just like everyone else. I know a lot of friends that agree with me. We want to see each other so we meet out a lot - parks, coffee, dinner etc. Again, its not about you, its about everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I have never reciprocated invites because I am embarrassed about some aspects of my house. I always suggest meeting at a park, coffee shop, etc. I would guess this might be the case for your friends.