So how much "screwing up" do you think is acceptable for a freshman? (an immature freshman)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to hear this kind of thing because I didn't have the luxury of screwing around in college. My parents were not well-off; I was working my way through college; I needed to graduate on time with good grades and get a job quickly to pay my way. So, to hear these college kids waste away this opportunity is hard to hear. I have two ES kids, and I'm so fearful that this will be them.

I think this is one of the reasons why people say you should make the kid pay for some of the college costs. It gives them ownership. I like the idea of having the kids pay for some and take out a loan for the rest, then I will pay off the loan when they graduate with decent grades.

I think there have been studies on this that more binge drinking and blowing off college is more likely to happen with students who come from more advantageous backgrounds. You should be proud that you worked hard and didn't blow your opportunity.

PP here. Yes, I agree, that kids from more advantageous backgrounds feel more free to goof off in college. My kids do come from an advantageous background, so much more than where I came from. This is my fear. It's a double-edged sword to have come from a poorer background and now be considered upper/middle class and be able to provide so much more for my kids.

To the other PP's, if you paid for yourself through college, then it's your right to goof off since it's your dime. But, if a parent is paying for college, the adult child shouldn't feel like they have the right to goof off. And yes, many guys are not mature in their late teens, but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to not have any responsibilities, particularly if the cost of goofing off is a lot (as most colleges are now), and it's on someone else's dime.

I am one of the PPs who said I paid. I don't think anyone is claiming that kids who experiments too much as a freshman are making good decisions. What we're (or I am, anyway) are saying is that they're making a relatively normal and common bad decision that a lot of kids make and most grow out of without doing too much long term harm to their future. I think that's useful for OP to hear before deciding how to handle the situation. I personally don't think making a huge show of force about how OP paid for college and DS needs to respect that or face stiff sanctions is going to improve anything. The root cause is immaturity and a little bit of fumbling around to learn how to use DS's new independence, and so responding to that failure by restricting independence is not a long term solution and may be counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

Take a semester or two off. He is not mature enough to be on his own. But he is bright and has the ability to be happy - don't overlook the ability to be happy. My son took a semester off, switched schools and is now in overdrive, focused on career and just scored a paid internship in the area where he is interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's turning things around. I would give him a positive incentive for doing well, really well because its in him, sophomore year. Some kind of reward. Carrots are more effective than sticks. Maybe if it turns it around next year he gets his car back.

The most concerning part is missing classes. I don't know if you can have access to his class attendance next year but I would make that and GPA the goal for getting back his car (or whatever you choose).

Is this typical? I don't think its unusual. The first few months of freshman year are when cases of alcohol poisoning spike. A lot of these kids have gone through high school with intense pressure and have worked very hard and now that they are there they decompress. And then they can't take advantage of everything their school has to offer. A wise friend advised me that college should be a step up in difficulty from high school, that kids should not arrive burned out and unable to take advantage of the rigor, even if that means taking high school down a notch. We did this with our DC who was a high achieving high school student but did not go to the most competitive school (by choice). She showed up at college gung ho to study and immersed herself in the academics.

OP, I think your son will be OK. he's just doing it the hard way.

I think this is a very, very good point and one that I am thinking about a lot as we look at various independents and other schools for our oldest. People talk about how fabulously rigorous a certain school is, so that when they get to college, it's all a breeze. That is the LAST THING I WANT... an 18 year old away from home for the first time, with too much time on his hands because school is all of a sudden "easy!"

I'm PP and my point is this, but also that many kids are showing up at college completely fried. They've taken a bazillion APs and had hours of homework every night and now they have the gold ring and need or want to chill. Meanwhile here they are in an amazing academic environment where there are so many intellectual riches and they are just too checked out. I felt a little like that when I got to college and it makes me sad to think about the lost opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But to my point...do you think this is more common than I am thinking it is? Growing pains? I have heard some really crazy stories here and there, and you often hear how kids make stupid mistakes freshman year, I just want to be sure i am not being unrealistic.

I have a son who is also finishing his freshman year. Not to be harsh but I don't think screwing up to that degree is that common or is acceptable. Of course people can always pull up a story of a kid who had trouble - I know at least 2 smart kids who dropped out after freshman year because they were screwing around or not motivated (one ended up with substance abuse problems). Neither of them have gone back to finish and it's been 4-5 years. BUT...of my DCs high school friends who are currently finishing their freshman years I have not heard of any of them who really messed up.

Does he have AP credits he can use to take some time off? I might have him take next semester off unless you really think he is ready to go back. And you probably need to put some conditions on continuing in college (although be warned that can backfire - a parent of one of kids above tried that and it basically caused the kid to drop out).

The question on the GPA is whether a 3.0 reflects his abilities. I have one kid where a 3.0 is a good result and another where it would mean he wasn't trying.

[Anonymous]

IMO, here'e what's ok, and what's not:
took away his car ~ he should not have had a car, despite convenience. He can ride a bike, take a bus. Too much temptation/responsibility - regardless of good or bad behavior. It's a luxury.
missing too many classes ~ not your business
drinking incident & loud noise violation ~ not your business. The college decides if the student stays/or he gets kicked out. He didn't get kicked out.
he dropped a class ~ not your business.
you're feeling rather downtrodden ~ not our burden (though it's hard)
If dropped class/repeated classes result in extra semesters, have him pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO, here'e what's ok, and what's not:
took away his car ~ he should not have had a car, despite convenience. He can ride a bike, take a bus. Too much temptation/responsibility - regardless of good or bad behavior. It's a luxury.
missing too many classes ~ not your business
drinking incident & loud noise violation ~ not your business. The college decides if the student stays/or he gets kicked out. He didn't get kicked out.
he dropped a class ~ not your business.
you're feeling rather downtrodden ~ not our burden (though it's hard)
If dropped class/repeated classes result in extra semesters, have him pay for it.

+1

[Anonymous]

If he is doing well in his other classes then it was probably smart of him to drop the class. Why are you livid?

He must be skipping a lot of classes if he is getting in trouble for it. Most college profs don't notice attendance much.

[Anonymous]

Dropping a class is better than failing the class. Did dropping a class take him under full load? 3.0 after freshman year is not bad if it's in a rigorous discipline. You have to keep communication open so he feels comfortable to come to you with bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a semester or two off. He is not mature enough to be on his own. But he is bright and has the ability to be happy - don't overlook the ability to be happy. My son took a semester off, switched schools and is now in overdrive, focused on career and just scored a paid internship in the area where he is interested.

With all due respect this is ridiculous advice I would venture to say at least half of the boys as college freshman have issues here and there- nothing OP has said raised an alarm-just an immature freshman boy thinking he can do it all and proving he cannot. Hopefully he learned his lessons and only his parents know that- let him start a clean slate for sophomore year and give him the benefit of any doubt if he seems genuinely sorry and remorseful for his bad deciosn making.

[Anonymous]

Normal! This was me. I had an awesome time in college, loved to party, missed a few classes, but studied some too. I graduated with a 3.0 which was great by me. I am a successful and well-adjusted adult now. FWIW I am so grateful I "made the most" of my college experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3.0 is quite a bit above the freshman average FYI. Most important thing is if hes learned from his mistakes, if he has and it sounds like he did, them carry on to the future and do not look back. Most kids I would venture to guess have slip ups freshman year, and I would think most boys for sure.

AGREE!

[Anonymous]

The semester is almost over. He can take the course he dropped at an easier college for summer school. Six weeks, boom, done.

Moving away to college is a HUGE life change. You have to learn how to "do life" while ALSO going to a school that's harder than any previous school.

Have him get a part time or full time job this summer. Have a talk about what needs to change for next year to go better. Don't harp on it all summer - one talk when he first comes home and another right before he goes back for fall semester.

[Anonymous]

Except for the dropped class and the discipline problem in the dorm (those are both problems) it doesn't sound to me like he *is* screwing up. A 3.0 is pretty respectable (at Dd's school it takes a 3.2 to remain in the HONORS program). With the exception of one class, which I agree he should have some sort of a plan to address and see that it never happens again, it sounds to me like he is doing what he needs to do.

As long as my kids are accomplishing the main goal of college, which we consider to be doing well in their classes, I don't mind what they are doing in their spare time.

I would probably only address the dropped class ($$ and extra time - more $$- that we don't have) and possibly the dorm writeup (more of those could be a big problem for future housing options). Otherwise, DS will probably figure out a balance and how to do what needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except for the dropped class and the discipline problem in the dorm (those are both problems) it doesn't sound to me like he *is* screwing up. A 3.0 is pretty respectable (at Dd's school it takes a 3.2 to remain in the HONORS program). With the exception of one class, which I agree he should have some sort of a plan to address and see that it never happens again, it sounds to me like he is doing what he needs to do.

As long as my kids are accomplishing the main goal of college, which we consider to be doing well in their classes, I don't mind what they are doing in their spare time.

I would probably only address the dropped class ($$ and extra time - more $$- that we don't have) and possibly the dorm writeup (more of those could be a big problem for future housing options). Otherwise, DS will probably figure out a balance and how to do what needs to be done.

I would hardly equate a dropped class as a problem. Many top students drop classes, and I can assure you it is not looked at as a problem. Discipline/drinking yes those are problems, though hardly not uncommon.

OP it sounds like your son is going through what most kids go through on some level- as long as he is remorseful and understands how he messed up. I would let it go, allow him to work over the summer, agree to a certain percentage that he will contribute back to his "fund" to retake the course. Other than that, allow him to start the next semester come fall as a fresh clean slate and hopefully he will show you what he is capable of!

[Anonymous]

I think there is a certain amount of learning how to "do life" as another poster points out. It is the transition from someone making sure you get to school for the day to you deciding you will get up and go to class when you don't have to go. I don't think you can force your child to go to class but I don't think you should shield him/her from the consequences. If the dropped class cost money, he has to both save for spending money and pay for/pay back the cost of the class with what he earns. At some point missing class likely impacts grades and if you are paying for school I think it is fair if GPA drops below a certain threshold he comes home and works and goes local. If he has a scholarship, he could lose it. If he is paying for it himself, show him what it will cost to go an extra semester or two, with interest, paid back over X years.

If you raised your kids to understand that they are accountable for the choices they make, what you do is let them make those choices and come to their own conclusions. I think if there is a mental health issue or worries about alcohol abuse/and or poor choices that could impact the rest of your life based on one event (like driving under the influence), I would address that. The rest of the items people can and do overcome by sophomore year.