Reply to So how much "screwing up" do you think is acceptable for a freshman? (an immature freshman)!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's hard for me to hear this kind of thing because I didn't have the luxury of screwing around in college.  My parents were not well-off; I was working my way through college; I needed to graduate on time with good grades and get a job quickly to pay my way.  So, to hear these college kids waste away this opportunity is hard to hear.  I have two ES kids, and I'm so fearful that this will be them.

I think this is one of the reasons why people say you should make the kid pay for some of the college costs.  It gives them ownership.  I like the idea of having the kids pay for some and take out a loan for the rest, then I will pay off the loan when they graduate with decent grades.[/quote]

I think there have been studies on this that more binge drinking and blowing off college is more likely to happen with students who come from more advantageous backgrounds. You should be proud that you worked hard and didn't blow your opportunity.[/quote]

PP here.  Yes, I agree, that kids from more advantageous backgrounds feel more free to goof off in college.  My kids do come from an advantageous background, so much more than where I came from.  This is my fear.  It's a double-edged sword to have come from a poorer background and now be considered upper/middle class and be able to provide so much more for my kids.

To the other PP's, if you paid for yourself through college, then it's your right to goof off since it's your dime.  But, if a parent is paying for college, the adult child shouldn't feel like they have the right to goof off.  And yes, many guys are not mature in their late teens, but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to not have any responsibilities, particularly if the cost of goofing off is a lot (as most colleges are now),  and it's on someone else's dime.[/quote]

I am one of the PPs who said I paid. I don't think anyone is claiming that kids who experiments too much as a freshman are making good decisions. What we're (or I am, anyway) are saying is that they're making a relatively normal and common bad decision that a lot of kids make and most grow out of without doing too much long term harm to their future. I think that's useful for OP to hear before deciding how to handle the situation. I personally don't think making a huge show of force about how OP paid for college and DS needs to respect that or face stiff sanctions is going to improve anything. The root cause is immaturity and a little bit of fumbling around to learn how to use DS's new independence, and so responding to that failure by restricting independence is not a long term solution and may be counterproductive.[/quote]

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