My SIL told the family that her father sexually abused her for 10 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the supportive comments.

The saddest, stupidest thing is that I thought mother in law would support her daughter a little. Like do something resembling support. Not the complete freaking opposite.

Selfishly I was hoping we could still have one parent/grandparent(meaning MIL) from DHs family. But her support of the pedophile means we've lost both of them.

Obviously there are bigger fish to fry in this whole ordeal. And more important issues to tackle.

Also I'm just so enraged that a mother could suck this much. And obviously a father too. I think the rage towards mil right now is because I'm first hand witnessing her (in)actions. Whereas FILs are more vague/past tense to me, but obviously much more horrific.

Is MIL very weak, dependent, traditional? Is she a slave to appearances?

Maybe she's just processing everything. Hopefully she'll do the right thing once she faces the truth.

I'm very sorry for your SIL. I'm glad she has you guys to support her.

Yes on the dependent and traditional. AND big yes on slave to appearances. I guess I should have expected her reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the supportive comments.

The saddest, stupidest thing is that I thought mother in law would support her daughter a little. Like do something resembling support. Not the complete freaking opposite.

Selfishly I was hoping we could still have one parent/grandparent(meaning MIL) from DHs family. But her support of the pedophile means we've lost both of them.

Obviously there are bigger fish to fry in this whole ordeal. And more important issues to tackle.

Also I'm just so enraged that a mother could suck this much. And obviously a father too. I think the rage towards mil right now is because I'm first hand witnessing her (in)actions. Whereas FILs are more vague/past tense to me, but obviously much more horrific.

Is MIL very weak, dependent, traditional? Is she a slave to appearances?

Maybe she's just processing everything. Hopefully she'll do the right thing once she faces the truth.

I'm very sorry for your SIL. I'm glad she has you guys to support her.

Yes on the dependent and traditional. AND big yes on slave to appearances. I guess I should have expected her reaction.

Yeah. Not uncommon. My wife says that she's pretty sure that her mother knew, but her mother was a SAHM and knew that if she admitted it she'd have to leave him and get a job and she didn't want to have to work...

This is the social machinery that perpetuates abuse. Good for your SIL for breaking out of it -- and you (and your husband, presumably) for supporting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Very very sad, though I have to say that you never ultimately know in these cases who did what.

Fuck you very much.

When an adult child discloses and the MIL reacts the way she just did, you can bet money that FIL did it. A normal mother is confused and questioning both sides. MIL is on the attack. She knew what he was doing and ignored it. She is protecting him now.

I hope to God that nothing like this ever happens to one of your children. Because you will die a little inside when someone says "Well, you just can't know what happened..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Very very sad, though I have to say that you never ultimately know in these cases who did what.

Fuck you very much.

When an adult child discloses and the MIL reacts the way she just did, you can bet money that FIL did it. A normal mother is confused and questioning both sides. MIL is on the attack. She knew what he was doing and ignored it. She is protecting him now.

I hope to God that nothing like this ever happens to one of your children. Because you will die a little inside when someone says "Well, you just can't know what happened..."

+100

MIL's response is disgusting. She is attacking her daughter. I would cut them off. No questions.

[Anonymous]

Where's your husband in all this? It's his sister, his father, and his mother, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where's your husband in all this? It's his sister, his father, and his mother, right?

DH and I are on same page. He is more of the quiet type and tends to compartmentalize. I am more of a dweller. And it's on the front of my mind all the time.

We've both agreed that if the past 5, now 6 days is indicative of how they intend to handle this moving forward then it will likelybe the end of any relationship. Interested to see what our therapist says on Tuesday about moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the supportive comments.

The saddest, stupidest thing is that I thought mother in law would support her daughter a little. Like do something resembling support. Not the complete freaking opposite.

Selfishly I was hoping we could still have one parent/grandparent(meaning MIL) from DHs family. But her support of the pedophile means we've lost both of them.

Obviously there are bigger fish to fry in this whole ordeal. And more important issues to tackle.

Also I'm just so enraged that a mother could suck this much. And obviously a father too. I think the rage towards mil right now is because I'm first hand witnessing her (in)actions. Whereas FILs are more vague/past tense to me, but obviously much more horrific.

Is MIL very weak, dependent, traditional? Is she a slave to appearances?

Maybe she's just processing everything. Hopefully she'll do the right thing once she faces the truth.

I'm very sorry for your SIL. I'm glad she has you guys to support her.

Yes on the dependent and traditional. AND big yes on slave to appearances. I guess I should have expected her reaction.

Yeah. Not uncommon. My wife says that she's pretty sure that her mother knew, but her mother was a SAHM and knew that if she admitted it she'd have to leave him and get a job and she didn't want to have to work...

This is the social machinery that perpetuates abuse. Good for your SIL for breaking out of it -- and you (and your husband, presumably) for supporting her.

Yes very similar circumstances re MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's your husband in all this? It's his sister, his father, and his mother, right?

DH and I are on same page. He is more of the quiet type and tends to compartmentalize. I am more of a dweller. And it's on the front of my mind all the time.

We've both agreed that if the past 5, now 6 days is indicative of how they intend to handle this moving forward then it will likelybe the end of any relationship. Interested to see what our therapist says on Tuesday about moving forward.

I'm glad he's with you, and also glad that he has therapy for support -- this must be excrutiating for him, especially if he feels that he should have protected his sister or known about it. He's losing both his parents and his vision of his own childhood. My heart aches for all of you. Bless you and your SIL for doing the right thing. Some families never manage to surface the secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's your husband in all this? It's his sister, his father, and his mother, right?

DH and I are on same page. He is more of the quiet type and tends to compartmentalize. I am more of a dweller. And it's on the front of my mind all the time.

We've both agreed that if the past 5, now 6 days is indicative of how they intend to handle this moving forward then it will likelybe the end of any relationship. Interested to see what our therapist says on Tuesday about moving forward.

I'm glad he's with you, and also glad that he has therapy for support -- this must be excrutiating for him, especially if he feels that he should have protected his sister or known about it. He's losing both his parents and his vision of his own childhood. My heart aches for all of you. Bless you and your SIL for doing the right thing. Some families never manage to surface the secrets.

+1

Resulting in them acting out in other ways, even as adults.

Kudos to you for being an amazing SIL, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Questions I have.

How many years have gone by since the last episode of abuse?

Has SIL been in therapy?

17 years since last incident

Yes. Lots of therapy.

Regression therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Very very sad, though I have to say that you never ultimately know in these cases who did what.

Fuck you very much.

When an adult child discloses and the MIL reacts the way she just did, you can bet money that FIL did it. A normal mother is confused and questioning both sides. MIL is on the attack. She knew what he was doing and ignored it. She is protecting him now.

I hope to God that nothing like this ever happens to one of your children. Because you will die a little inside when someone says "Well, you just can't know what happened..."

I am not the PP.

Wow, you sure are authoritative in your approach and certain in your conclusions. Not to mention profane.

Too bad you couldn't be more wrong with such a broad brush not to mention you impose your own emphasis on an event and you weren't there. No doubt it has foundation in some cases but considering I have BTDT and it was all a lie...believed as it was...it was still a false memory.

And I abhor abuse in all it various forms, take it very seriously and know firsthand just how devastating it is to the person who is abused and even for those in the family that weren't.

[Anonymous]

PP were you accused of abuse or were you (false memory) abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Questions I have.

How many years have gone by since the last episode of abuse?

Has SIL been in therapy?

17 years since last incident

Yes. Lots of therapy.

Regression therapy?

Why would you assume that?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Your poor SIL. How in the world did she come to tell you? Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Questions I have.

How many years have gone by since the last episode of abuse?

Has SIL been in therapy?

17 years since last incident

Yes. Lots of therapy.

Regression therapy?

Why would you assume that?

PP is looking for a way to deny that this happens. Recovered memory therapy is notoriously unreliable.