My SIL told the family that her father sexually abused her for 10 years

[Anonymous]

Questions I have.

How many years have gone by since the last episode of abuse?

Has SIL been in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Questions I have.

How many years have gone by since the last episode of abuse?

Has SIL been in therapy?

17 years since last incident

Yes. Lots of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

So how many days does mil put her head in the sand before I can justifiably hate her for only supporting the pedophile husband. Not be snarky, I just legitimately don't know a reasonably expectation of response time. I feel like she could have done freaking something. Like a one line to SIL "I love you" email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What gift your sister in law has given your family. Believe her. Take precautions. Use the therapy to sort out how you'll deal with MIL & FIL, esp if she'll be staying by his side in all of this.

This.

I wish your SIL much strength. Sorry her mother sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

So how many days does mil put her head in the sand before I can justifiably hate her for only supporting the pedophile husband. Not be snarky, I just legitimately don't know a reasonably expectation of response time. I feel like she could have done freaking something. Like a one line to SIL "I love you" email.

You don't get to decide how everyone reacts to everything. It does sound like you need therapy, for more reasons than you may be willing to admit here. Your focus should be on your DH and your kids, not how quickly you can "justifiably hate" your MIL. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

So how many days does mil put her head in the sand before I can justifiably hate her for only supporting the pedophile husband. Not be snarky, I just legitimately don't know a reasonably expectation of response time. I feel like she could have done freaking something. Like a one line to SIL "I love you" email.

After you start therapy, the answer to this will come. Right now your anger is targeting your MIL, probably because you know yourself to be a protective mother and can't fathom your MIL's lack of support.

However, your MIL's stance is rather common, horrifically common. Despite this difficult situation, it would be better to focus your energy on supporting your SIL and DH instead and with the help of therapy, you all can create a support system for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She did it to protect MY children. I am forever grateful to her.

That's very brave of her OP. I wish I'd been that brave for my cousins' sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

So how many days does mil put her head in the sand before I can justifiably hate her for only supporting the pedophile husband. Not be snarky, I just legitimately don't know a reasonably expectation of response time. I feel like she could have done freaking something. Like a one line to SIL "I love you" email.

You don't get to decide how everyone reacts to everything. It does sound like you need therapy, for more reasons than you may be willing to admit here. Your focus should be on your DH and your kids, not how quickly you can "justifiably hate" your MIL. Get a grip.

You're correct that she doesn't get to decide how everyone else reacts. She is focusing on her DH and kids, and her SIL-you know, the person who came forward and said her father abused her to protect OP's kids and was emotionally abandoned by her mother when she did so. So while the OP doesn't get to control anyone else's response, she does get to recognize what the appropriate response is and be disappointed that someone doesn't respond that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, if you're five days in, cut MIL a little slack. Her world just exploded. While I find it hard to believe all these parents who say later that they had no idea what their spouses were doing, it happens enough that it's likely true. What you all have to do is take care of yourselves. So since you find SILs story compelling, you support her and keep your kids away from the grandfather.

So how many days does mil put her head in the sand before I can justifiably hate her for only supporting the pedophile husband. Not be snarky, I just legitimately don't know a reasonably expectation of response time. I feel like she could have done freaking something. Like a one line to SIL "I love you" email.

You don't get to decide how everyone reacts to everything. It does sound like you need therapy, for more reasons than you may be willing to admit here. Your focus should be on your DH and your kids, not how quickly you can "justifiably hate" your MIL. Get a grip.

Based on what you report about your MILs response, she knew that her husband was victimizing her daughter. On some level she knew. Whether she allowed that knowledge to become conscious or not is irrelevant. She should have done something to protect her vulnerable daughter. She didn't, so she doesn't get to put her head in the sand. What does this mean for you? You support the heroic SIL to the extent you can, and you protect your children from their pedophile grandfather.

You're correct that she doesn't get to decide how everyone else reacts. She is focusing on her DH and kids, and her SIL-you know, the person who came forward and said her father abused her to protect OP's kids and was emotionally abandoned by her mother when she did so. So while the OP doesn't get to control anyone else's response, she does get to recognize what the appropriate response is and be disappointed that someone doesn't respond that way.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at the sympathy for MIL. I am thankfully NOT speaking from any direct knowledge, but in my opinion there is no way 10 years of sexual abuse happens under your roof without you having some knowledge, or working overtime to mentally detach enough that you don't know it. It possible this MIL will come around, but even if she does, she is going to need to recognize the enabling role she played that allowed this to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at the sympathy for MIL. I am thankfully NOT speaking from any direct knowledge, but in my opinion there is no way 10 years of sexual abuse happens under your roof without you having some knowledge, or working overtime to mentally detach enough that you don't know it. It possible this MIL will come around, but even if she does, she is going to need to recognize the enabling role she played that allowed this to happen.

I do want to say that abusers can be both cunning and manipulative. I know of a case where abuse went on for a long time and the mom absolutely did not know. Because the second she found out she called 911 and had the police come and arrest her POS husband. Divorced him, testified against him, he ended up in jail. Now that's the way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at the sympathy for MIL. I am thankfully NOT speaking from any direct knowledge, but in my opinion there is no way 10 years of sexual abuse happens under your roof without you having some knowledge, or working overtime to mentally detach enough that you don't know it. It possible this MIL will come around, but even if she does, she is going to need to recognize the enabling role she played that allowed this to happen.

I do want to say that abusers can be both cunning and manipulative. I know of a case where abuse went on for a long time and the mom absolutely did not know. Because the second she found out she called 911 and had the police come and arrest her POS husband. Divorced him, testified against him, he ended up in jail. Now that's the way to do it.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at the sympathy for MIL. I am thankfully NOT speaking from any direct knowledge, but in my opinion there is no way 10 years of sexual abuse happens under your roof without you having some knowledge, or working overtime to mentally detach enough that you don't know it. It possible this MIL will come around, but even if she does, she is going to need to recognize the enabling role she played that allowed this to happen.

I do want to say that abusers can be both cunning and manipulative. I know of a case where abuse went on for a long time and the mom absolutely did not know. Because the second she found out she called 911 and had the police come and arrest her POS husband. Divorced him, testified against him, he ended up in jail. Now that's the way to do it.

Amen.

+1 and I would have nothing but sympathy and respect for that person. While we don't have all the details, I'm thinking the situation outlined by OP is not such an instance.

In my mind the poster child for "sexual abuse enablers" will always be Dottie Sandusky. I loathe that woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the supportive comments.

The saddest, stupidest thing is that I thought mother in law would support her daughter a little. Like do something resembling support. Not the complete freaking opposite.

Selfishly I was hoping we could still have one parent/grandparent(meaning MIL) from DHs family. But her support of the pedophile means we've lost both of them.

Obviously there are bigger fish to fry in this whole ordeal. And more important issues to tackle.

Also I'm just so enraged that a mother could suck this much. And obviously a father too. I think the rage towards mil right now is because I'm first hand witnessing her (in)actions. Whereas FILs are more vague/past tense to me, but obviously much more horrific.

Is MIL very weak, dependent, traditional? Is she a slave to appearances?

Maybe she's just processing everything. Hopefully she'll do the right thing once she faces the truth.

I'm very sorry for your SIL. I'm glad she has you guys to support her.