How many people's spouses would be upset if you went through their phone or email?

[Anonymous]

my husband and i know each other's email passwords and have accessed each other's accounts from time to time when we need to retrieve some kind of information.

we each leave our phones lying around the place, and sometimes use each other's.

if he suddenly became cagey about me accessing either of these, I would start to become a little paranoid that something was going on (and i'm sure vice-versa).

but because we are so open and transparent with each other, neither of us feels a need to doubt the strong bond of trust that does exist between us.

and trust comes with responsibility--when he goes into my email account i assume he won't read any of my emails except the one he needs to access (i do also assume that he will glance at the titles and the first few words that are readable when scrolling down the gmail page, because one can't help but be a little curious!).

I could never be married to someone who didn't trust me completely and jealously guarded their email/phone accounts from me. that would make me very paranoid, as well as very annoyed (what's there to hide?! and why think you are so important that you have to keep them under such tight lock and key?).

oh, i'll admit that i've sometimes noticed the history has been cleared on the internet. i do think that my husband 'cleans it' from time-to-time (he's the techie one always fiddling with the computer), but then sometimes i think to myself 'hmmm, maybe he was checking out some porn or something...' but i honestly wouldn't care if he was checking out porn, but then that's probably because i know that if he does do it, it happens rarely...and i'll admit too, that i've sometimes accessed soft porn on the net (and wanted to clear the history out of a feeling of embarassment!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We used to be totally open with all this stuff, but not so much any more. He hides his phone, deletes his internet history, and has changed some passwords. All with good excuses, of course. "Too much cached history slows the computer down." "It's not hidden, I just plugged it in... in the basement..." When I ask to use his phone rather than go get mine in another room, it's always "out of battery" or something. He's never said that his email is now off-limits, but the one time I found something alarming he went all "you went through my stuff???" Like we didn't used to do this all the time.

That said, I have nothing to hide. He can comb through my emails, texts, facebook all he wants. Not that he would want to. He's not interested in me anymore.

Are you sure he is not cheating on you? Or hiding something? It looks like there is some communication he really doesn't want you to find out about.

I agree. Please be a little careful and listen to your gut instincts about this. It could be nothing, but these are all signs of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We used to be totally open with all this stuff, but not so much any more. He hides his phone, deletes his internet history, and has changed some passwords. All with good excuses, of course. "Too much cached history slows the computer down." "It's not hidden, I just plugged it in... in the basement..." When I ask to use his phone rather than go get mine in another room, it's always "out of battery" or something. He's never said that his email is now off-limits, but the one time I found something alarming he went all "you went through my stuff???" Like we didn't used to do this all the time.

That said, I have nothing to hide. He can comb through my emails, texts, facebook all he wants. Not that he would want to. He's not interested in me anymore.

Are you sure he is not cheating on you? Or hiding something? It looks like there is some communication he really doesn't want you to find out about.

I agree. Please be a little careful and listen to your gut instincts about this. It could be nothing, but these are all signs of an affair.

Yes, I know. It's textbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:\ In any case, DH and I are good communicators so I can't see either of us going through email when we could just talk about a problem.

I have to question some of the posters who say that people should be willing to share emails with their spouses if they are suspicious. Obviously, if you have an otherwise great marriage sometimes you might humor someone with this kind of thing. But I would want to address the reason the spouse is suspicious / asking about an affair. If you're innocent and your husband demands that you prove it to him by showing emails, I'd be concerned about the underlying reasons for that and his lack of trust. It might be a control issue, or maybe his insecurity, or maybe he is having the affair and is turning it around on you! Or maybe it's just a strange quirk. Either way, it would throw me off.

My husband and I are great communicators, too. Didn't mean that he didn't develop an inappropriate friendship with a female co-worker. And here's the thing: I knew there was something wrong, and I knew it had something to do with her. DH and I have been together for 15 years. He has had many female friends in those 15 years. And this is the *only* time I've felt insecure. Turns out my intuition was correct, and one way I was able to get proof of it was because I asked him to share his e-mails from her with me. I did not warn him that I was going to ask - I just approached him when he had his e-mail open. He was reluctant at first. When we read them together, it was clear that he had crossed a line.

My point is, if someone demands all the time to read e-mails, yes, it is a control issue. But asking to see them once - while the e-mail is open (thus before he can erase anything incriminating) - how is that controlling? And if your spouse is feeling insecure about your "friendship" with someone else, why wouldn't you want to assuage that insecurity by "proving" there was nothing to hide? It's not humoring your spouse, it is taking care of their emotional needs.

When 50% of marriages have to deal with infidelity, what really are your chances? And don't say - not my DH - we all think that.

I didn't mean to imply that he shouldn't have allowed you to read, in this case, or that you shouldn't have asked. It sounds like it might have saved your marriage (I hope so!). In any case, my point was more related to what might happen if you would have asked and been off-base. I think, in that instance, there is a very real concern about the reason why you wanted to see his email. This one-time ask was borne of insecurity and it turns out you were absolutely correct in being insecure about something. But the issue remains that you had a gut feeling to address. So even if you would have looked at those emails and found nothing, there was still something to address, right? Not sure I'm making my point very clearly, but I do have one!

You mention that we shouldn't say "not my DH" because we all say that, but just think, first of all, 50 percent of marriages do NOT have to deal with infidelity, so some of us are correct. "Trust..but verify" and all, but you can't verify too often or you really run the risk of eroding your relationship. As a kid, I remember being constantly mistrusted by my mom even when I wasn't doing anything wrong. That built up such a feeling of resentment inside me and ultimately, I remember a few times thinking "she'll just accuse me of it anyway" and doing something wrong. Of course, let's hope we've all matured since then, but there has to be some carryover.

As for the unlucky 50 percent, I imagine some of the wives are naturally suspicious, some of the wives are suspicious with damn good reasons, and some are completely blind-sided by their husbands. Some might have "let" the relationship get bad and some might have just married a jerk, or maybe he's not a jerk and just strayed due to his own personal demons. Who knows?

Of course anyone can be blindsided but there really are things that factor into whether or not you trust your husband, and not all of them are emotional. Of course, the primary trust issue IS the emotional / love-respect-fidelity pledge thing. If you believe in it, you believe in it, and there has to be some things taken on faith in a marriage or else what's the point? Of course, we all know it doesn't always work that way.

When it doesn't there a zillion reasons. Here are a few, though. First, there's the "type of guy." thing. Yes, even those we think are pure as the driven snow cheat, but I bet not as often as the known-scoundrels. I've dated guys who I suspected would cheat and guys I never suspected would cheat. I would have never married the suspected cheaters. I also have a friend who married a man who had started dating her while he was still in another relationship. He later cheated on my friend while they were married. Not saying that always happens, but there's a logical reason to distrust a bit. Also, even if the guy is a sweetest in the world, obviously, if opportunity more often, the chances for him straying increase, no matter how awesome he is. (He doesn't have to make those chances into a reality, but the chances are there). I used to date someone who was a baseball scout. He was a really sweet guy and I don't think he would be unfaithful, but going out with baseball players, spending a month at a time away from home? You've got to really trust someone (and maybe do some verifying of the SWEETEST guy) in that situation.

As for my DH, I know his friends, know his schedule, and he's home 99 percent of the time. (we both work from home so that's pretty unusual). When he's out with other friends he's always a text or phone call away. It's not that I say "never," I just say "not very likely." I plan to work to keep it that way!

Sorry, way too long-winded. I hope everything works out for the best for OP. I have to say that the phone hiding and things like that in her situation would make ANYONE nervous...