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How many people's spouses would be upset if you went through their phone or email?
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Anonymous
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People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I will never again be in a relationship with a person who safeguards their phone, email, etc in the name of "privacy". It's complete transparency or it's a no go. |
Anonymous
I'm a PP who said I go through my DH's and he has no problem, but I do not like mine to be touched. I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my space. I like to have my world and I was a piece of my stuff without someone going through it and invading my private conversations. I have friends who might share something with me, but they do not intend for my husband to be privy too. Even without that scenario, I just want to keep a piece of me intact. We've been married 11years and my husband has never went into my email or phone at least that i know of. The topic has never come up, but I think he knows me well enough to know I would not appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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Just because someone likes privacy doesn't = they have something to hide. I will not take a shit with my husband in the bathroom and vice versa-does that mean we're cheating on one another or have something to hide? I think privacy is something to be respected and acknowledged. I don't feel the need to check my husbands phone or email because I have nothing to fear or hide and nor does he. Maybe if I did, I'd feel the desire to check up on him. This behavior is called TRUST.
Boundaries do exist even in a marriage and should. |
Anonymous
| I would be upset if my spouse went through my email. The phone, depends on why he went through it - if to get a number or call someone, then no problem. But if he went in because he wants find something bad and doesn't trust me, then it would be different. With email, I feel it is different. I don't go into his or he into mine (as far as I know) just to read emails. If there is any specific email which he is looking for, I would be OK about it I know before hand that he needs to get into my account. |
Anonymous
Are you sure he is not cheating on you? Or hiding something? It looks like there is some communication he really doesn't want you to find out about. |
Anonymous
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"Maybe this is weird, but DH and I share an email account and have access to one another's work accounts."
Unless you both own your own businesses you really should stop sharing your work accounts. You could get into trouble depending on where you work as the passwords should not be shared and the information in these accounts is not meant for non employees. |
Anonymous
I agree. If we had a reason to share a joint e-mail account that would be one thing but since we already had established e-mails and I especially used e-mail a lot to communicate with my friends, it would be like having him on the other phone while I am talking to my friend - it would seem either intrusive and/or co-dependent. If it is anything important - we forward e-mails to each other or talk about it - like I will say oh I got an e-mail from so and so about X or can you believe my sister sent me this e-mail. For me, going thru my e-mail would rank right up there with going in someone's pocket book or wallet without asking (assuming the person is around). We do joke about these things though - if the 25th wedding anniversary will be the year of the e-mail passwords. There was also a comedian that talked about going in someone's pocketbook on a date and finding a prescription for something that would be alarming on a first date. So one time when he had to go in my purse to get something - we would joke back and forth about if he found X. In general - kind of like someone said - we share most things - what's going on with work, our friends, joint bank accounts, kids, house projects etc. Probably the only thing we don't share is toothbrushes and e-mail passwords. It would seem akward to me if my DH was like - yeah I saw that crazy e-mail from your sister - and I wasn't at the point I was ready to talk about it or I felt something was being pulled from me rather than actively shared with him. Or more likely - he would see it and know it was there but not know what to say so it would become the elephant in the room. It's like when you get info on a friend from another friend in the group but know it would feel very intrusive if you said - oh I heard your brother is going thru chemo and the person hadn't told you directly. As for going thru his phone messages - again it would seem weird from the standpoint that we would ask first. We each have our own cell phones so I would ask "oh was that call from so and so" rather than pick up his phone and start scrolling thru the missed calls without it being a situation where either DH asked me to get his phone and see if X called OR the phone was ringing and he couldn't get to the phone in time. |
Anonymous
www.survivinginfidelity.com Hiding the cell, deleting the internet history, changing passwords, losing interest in you - all 4 are big red flags. And to the posters who talk about privacy: where is the boundary between privacy and secrecy? I agree with the poster who said that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. |
Anonymous
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I have never gone into my husband's wallet either. Once or twice, when I needed cash, he's told me to take it from his wallet. Snooping is sneaky. When I was in my teens, my mother would go through my stuff in my room. I really resented her for doing this to me!
However, my husband and I have shared a toothbrush, and not just on a vacation. Now, if someone has multiple email accts, I would start to question why. I knew someone who did and sure enough, he was cheating on his girlfriend. |
Anonymous
| Do you tell your friends and family that your spouse has full access to your email if he does? My husband and I don't read one another's email, although I leave it open on the computer all the time without concern and would be happy for him to look for something specific. Anyway, I have a lot of emails from friends about things that are private to THEM, and therefore are none of my husband's business. These include, e.g. stupid things like my sister commenting on having bad gas, as well as friends complaining about their husbands, MILs, etc. Why should these people have to share all this stuff with someone they didn't email?? I don't care if my husband sees who I'm communicating with, but the substance of those communications should not necessarily be fair game. Of course I share with him what's going on in my friends' lives, but things like the bad gas email get left out... |
Anonymous
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Sure, but if he said he suspected that you were having an affair with one of the people with whom you corresponded, wouldn't you share the e-mails with him?
If not, what does it say about your relationship with your husband? |
Anonymous
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DH and I have one another's passwords to everything because we are not exactly high-tech individuals and have I have one password for all of my accounts and he has one password for all of his accounts, and we know it. (IN other words, we didn't expressly give one another email passwords, but I know his and he knows mine regardless). I have never been curious enough or suspicious enough to check my husband's email messages. I check his phone from time to time for him because he usually sticks it in my purse when we're out and then forgets it, so he'll ask me to see who it is if it rings, in case it's something important. I wouldn't imagine he'd check my phone, though I don't generally leave it with him. Sometimes if I'm in the shower and my sister calls or something, though, he will pick up. So I guess our phones are basically available to one another. I guess if my husband checked my email, it wouldn't be the end of the world (I have nothing to hide) but I would be greatly surprised that he felt the need to do that and maybe a little bit put off by the invasion of privacy. Not that I say anything I wouldn't say in front of him, but like another poster said, I wouldn't want to think my friend's husbands were directly reading all of the emails I write, so they should expect the same from me. In any case, DH and I are good communicators so I can't see either of us going through email when we could just talk about a problem.
I have to question some of the posters who say that people should be willing to share emails with their spouses if they are suspicious. Obviously, if you have an otherwise great marriage sometimes you might humor someone with this kind of thing. But I would want to address the reason the spouse is suspicious / asking about an affair. If you're innocent and your husband demands that you prove it to him by showing emails, I'd be concerned about the underlying reasons for that and his lack of trust. It might be a control issue, or maybe his insecurity, or maybe he is having the affair and is turning it around on you! Or maybe it's just a strange quirk. Either way, it would throw me off. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I have a shared email account, and a bunch of individual accounts, but we know the passwords to all of them. My husband says he reads my sent email to find out what's going on with me, since we often have so little time to talk. My friends know he reads their emails, when he has time, or at least that he has access to them, and they don't care. I'd share what they tell me with DH anyway, and if he wants more detail, he can read the emails. He absolutely never responds to my friends' emails to me -- now that would be crossing the line.
We've always shared email just as we've always had a shared checking account. There's nothing I want to keep private from him. My phone is an open book as well, as is his. No secrets there. |
Anonymous
My husband and I are great communicators, too. Didn't mean that he didn't develop an inappropriate friendship with a female co-worker. And here's the thing: I knew there was something wrong, and I knew it had something to do with her. DH and I have been together for 15 years. He has had many female friends in those 15 years. And this is the *only* time I've felt insecure. Turns out my intuition was correct, and one way I was able to get proof of it was because I asked him to share his e-mails from her with me. I did not warn him that I was going to ask - I just approached him when he had his e-mail open. He was reluctant at first. When we read them together, it was clear that he had crossed a line. My point is, if someone demands all the time to read e-mails, yes, it is a control issue. But asking to see them once - while the e-mail is open (thus before he can erase anything incriminating) - how is that controlling? And if your spouse is feeling insecure about your "friendship" with someone else, why wouldn't you want to assuage that insecurity by "proving" there was nothing to hide? It's not humoring your spouse, it is taking care of their emotional needs. When 50% of marriages have to deal with infidelity, what really are your chances? And don't say - not my DH - we all think that. |
Anonymous
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I think that email and phone records should be completely open to your spouse. That doesn't mean that he should be reading my emails to mom my, sister, or best girlfriend all the time. But that my account is open IF he wanted to see it, which he should never need to.
Obviously your girlfriends don't want your DH reading their personal correspondence with you. I am not envisioning a spouse who would actually read through all the emails. Just a mail box that is open. Obviously if you have a spouse who is neurotically checking your phone and reading your email all the time, when you have never done anything to deserve such suspicion, is unacceptable. But complete openness fosters trust so that, yeah, you know the phone records are in the filing cabinet, and you have no desire to go through them and see who he is talking to. |