What happened at counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "hijacker". My apologies.

You don't need to apologize if your ex was truly BPD. People who have never been involved with Axis II folks don't understand. OP wanted tales of sunshine and rainbows, its okay that you didn't have one to share. Although in a roundabout way, yours is.

OP here. PP, this is the second time you've posted that I wanted "sunshine and rainbows." I can assure you that I did not. I've been married/alive long enough to understand that basically nothing is sunshine and rainbows, other than actual sunshine and actual rainbows. I was more interested in seeing what kinds of different approaches that couples counselors take. I'm very discouraged that they apparently don't even have enough common sense to, for example, ask each party for their side of the story before making judgments/recommendations.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem comes from the fact that is is VERY difficult to convince anyone that their perception of a situation may not be accurate. Therefore, most people leave couples counseling feeling the exact same way as when they went it (I am right and spouse and/or counselor is wrong).

My experience: Ex dh insisted on counseling after he found out I had cheated. We went to 4 or 5 sessions and each one made him angrier and angrier. He felt the therapist's attempts at getting to the root of the relationship problem rather then focusing on the cheating was unfair and biased. To him, the affair was the ONLY problem in the relationship. Eventually he got so angry at a session that he threw a pillow across the room and stormed out, leaving me there with no car. We separated shortly after.

[Anonymous]

Our counselor met with us together to discuss background, family histories, difficulties etc. Then we had individual sessions to get a better understanding of things. Now he's giving us small steps to help build a better foundation for conflict management. We've been going a little over a month and it's helping already. We're also getting "homework" like books and videos (at my request)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so...

did anyone not married or engaged to a psycho person go through marriage counseling? Did anyone go into it in good faith and have a decent experience?

We had an, OK, experience. In retrospect, she was not a great fit for us (particularly for my husband) and he wasn't 100% open with her. But it improved some things, and it did at least prompt us. To spend some time each week focused on Each other and prompted us to discuss things outside of counseling.

Fast forward 7 years and my DH is in individual counseling and that is doing more to improve things than couples counseling did. I do, however, think that we could benefit from some sort of outside help with our communication. Right now we don't have time or money to commit to weekly sessions, but I'm thinking of seeing if his counselor might be willing to do 1 or 2 joint sessions, or to see if we can find a weekend workshop or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so...

did anyone not married or engaged to a psycho person go through marriage counseling? Did anyone go into it in good faith and have a decent experience?

We had an, OK, experience. In retrospect, she was not a great fit for us (particularly for my husband) and he wasn't 100% open with her. But it improved some things, and it did at least prompt us. To spend some time each week focused on Each other and prompted us to discuss things outside of counseling.

Fast forward 7 years and my DH is in individual counseling and that is doing more to improve things than couples counseling did. I do, however, think that we could benefit from some sort of outside help with our communication. Right now we don't have time or money to commit to weekly sessions, but I'm thinking of seeing if his counselor might be willing to do 1 or 2 joint sessions, or to see if we can find a weekend workshop or something.

The financial aspect is really difficult, our insurance covers 80% after a $600 deductible. I definitely think about that in our sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so...

did anyone not married or engaged to a psycho person go through marriage counseling? Did anyone go into it in good faith and have a decent experience?

We had an, OK, experience. In retrospect, she was not a great fit for us (particularly for my husband) and he wasn't 100% open with her. But it improved some things, and it did at least prompt us. To spend some time each week focused on Each other and prompted us to discuss things outside of counseling.

Fast forward 7 years and my DH is in individual counseling and that is doing more to improve things than couples counseling did. I do, however, think that we could benefit from some sort of outside help with our communication. Right now we don't have time or money to commit to weekly sessions, but I'm thinking of seeing if his counselor might be willing to do 1 or 2 joint sessions, or to see if we can find a weekend workshop or something.

You guys are a marital counselor's dream! Seven years and still need work - individual AND marital!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so...

did anyone not married or engaged to a psycho person go through marriage counseling? Did anyone go into it in good faith and have a decent experience?

We had an, OK, experience. In retrospect, she was not a great fit for us (particularly for my husband) and he wasn't 100% open with her. But it improved some things, and it did at least prompt us. To spend some time each week focused on Each other and prompted us to discuss things outside of counseling.

Fast forward 7 years and my DH is in individual counseling and that is doing more to improve things than couples counseling did. I do, however, think that we could benefit from some sort of outside help with our communication. Right now we don't have time or money to commit to weekly sessions, but I'm thinking of seeing if his counselor might be willing to do 1 or 2 joint sessions, or to see if we can find a weekend workshop or something.

Do not do this! I (DH) had an individual counselor that was working great for about 10 sessions. He then suggested a joint session. We did it, and he made a comment to the effect of, "You guys are basically fine," that totally destroyed my confidence in him. I terminated at the next session, now looking for another individual therapist for weekly sessions and a SEPARATE couples counselor for monthly sessions. Will not make that mistake again.