estranged from a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mother sounds borderline. Borderline people often create intense interpersonal conflict and then fail to understand why people in their lives "hold a grudge" or even forget completely (it's almost like they have amnesia) the stress and strain of the immense underlying conflict.

Her telling you that you could no longer live in your home after she remarried sounds borderline to me. Then failing to realize this continues to be the reason why you can't be close to her, or that she needs to account for it/apologize. Also very typical borderline behavior.

Your disinviting her to the wedding sounds like immaturity to me or it could just be a logical way of dealing with a borderline person who was going to stir the shit on your wedding day. I wish I could have kept my borderline mother away from my wedding.

At any rate, what to do? She doesn't sound necessary to your life and frankly she doesn't sound like she ever played much of a mothering role to you. The posters who are advocating reunion with her have a perception of a mother/daughter relationship and family ties that while true in many families does not always hold true. Are you going to be inviting chaos and dissension back into your life? I definitely would not choose that. Because the kind of drama you refer to in your teenage years will NOT have gone away. Peoples' core personalities intensify as they get older and she will be more "herself" than ever.

How's your core personality, in your opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find it in your heart to give her a chance, OP. My best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mother sounds borderline. Borderline people often create intense interpersonal conflict and then fail to understand why people in their lives "hold a grudge" or even forget completely (it's almost like they have amnesia) the stress and strain of the immense underlying conflict.

Her telling you that you could no longer live in your home after she remarried sounds borderline to me. Then failing to realize this continues to be the reason why you can't be close to her, or that she needs to account for it/apologize. Also very typical borderline behavior.

Your disinviting her to the wedding sounds like immaturity to me or it could just be a logical way of dealing with a borderline person who was going to stir the shit on your wedding day. I wish I could have kept my borderline mother away from my wedding.

At any rate, what to do? She doesn't sound necessary to your life and frankly she doesn't sound like she ever played much of a mothering role to you. The posters who are advocating reunion with her have a perception of a mother/daughter relationship and family ties that while true in many families does not always hold true. Are you going to be inviting chaos and dissension back into your life? I definitely would not choose that. Because the kind of drama you refer to in your teenage years will NOT have gone away. Peoples' core personalities intensify as they get older and she will be more "herself" than ever.

How's your core personality, in your opinion?

You sound angry.

[Anonymous]

OP This is an unusual and lonely situation because most people are in touch with their mothers. But coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I can understand how suddenly you realize that 20+ years have passed. Whatever it was that caused this rift, it must have been serious. You could reach out and have a talk or text with each other. But in some cases, people do not change. If you find yourself falling back into what separated you in the first place, or old hurtful behaviors, back away. You could be drawn back into the circle of h**l and later wonder: why did I waste time and emotion with this person when I finally had a perfectly normal life? One thing you have to face -- this is different from most people and you have to act accordingly. And in your best interest. Do not romanticize "grandmother relationship" to yourself "for the sake of the children". BTDT. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

My father died while we were estranged and I have absolutely no regrets about it. I'm relieved and grateful that I don't have to go what you're going through right now - him getting older and wanting to reconcile. Not having him in my life is a blessing. I don't have to gird myself for interactions, I don't have to be guarded and I don't have any lingering anger waiting to be fanned when he's around. My kids don't miss him because they never knew him. An act of biology doesn't make a father.

+100 Now my mother is ill and when the family gets together I see that hate that he planted is still growing strong.

[Anonymous]

OP I understand where you are coming from. My dad subjected all my family members to a lot... things that if I was to share here most people would think I am a troll. I only talk to him when it is necessary... I don't try to establish a normal relationship with him because he is abnormal. When he is ill I call to check up on him once in a while, I send him financial assistance but I expect nothing from him because I know what kind of a person he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You say your sister has a close relationship with your mother. What's her take on the situation?

I have a brother and a sister. The sister is very close to my mother and when this all happened she was 13. I know it has hurt her a lot. She's very sensitive. We are fairly close and talk/text frequently but my sister lives thousands of miles away from me, is not married and has no children. I do know that she was a major proponent of this current push for my mother to reach out and if she hadn't encourage it I don't know if my mom would have tried to be honest. So she's thrilled right now.
My brother is the youngest and kind of uninvolved in the whole thing. He also lives very far away and is married with a toddler. We keep in touch, his wife is wonderful, but we don't see them often either, because of distance primarily (he's overseas).
Both of them have had their issues with my mom as well, but have gotten over them.

I should add that my mom is on her 3rd marriage. I am from her first, they divorced when I was a baby, my mom remarried when I was a toddler and my sister and brother are from that 2nd marriage. My mom and stepdad divorced when I was in high school and I am quite close to my stepdad today. My own father passed away when I was a child. I didn't have some horrible childhood, I wasn't abused or anything. I think what happened/caused so much drama as a teen is that I was a difficult teenager- I have a much stronger and more assertive personality than my mom. Also my mom tried very hard to be my friend and cool all the time. And she told me things that I don't think were appropriate at the time (now that I'm an adult) about her relationship, plans for divorce, etc. While overall I was a "good kid" I was definitely defiant, screamed at her, attitude, etc. And while I was an adult when she told me to leave, I was a college student living in a dorm in another state. I am not sure what she expected me to do on school breaks, summers, etc. I went to my stepdad and he said, of course you will stay with me, my home is your home. He never let me down no matter how terrible I was to him in my teens and for that I am extremely thankful. He didn't have to do that and he stepped up to the plate.

OP, you had a great step-dad. So glad he was there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do it for the sake of your children. Also, if this would not be your mom, but just another human being who is seeking forgiveness and kindness, would you respond?

I'll never understand the logic of keeping toxic people in your life for the sake of the kids. They are most likely going to pull the same shut in their grandkids. My grandmother certainly did.

+1. I refuse to expose my child to the disappointment my dad playing adoring grandpa for a couple weeks and then disappearing for months/years at a time without a word. They have absolutely nothing to gain from a relationship with him even if it's superficial.